January 20, 2014; 8:00 p.m.
I still remember this moment like it just happened.
I till feel all the emotions that i felt.
I was the happiest person in the world.
Only if i knew what was to come, I could've saved myself from all the pain.
Only if i knew that after tomorrow i'd lose everything i ever cared about.
Yes, everything is gone now.
But yet, it is all my fault.
If only i would've stopped him from hurting himself over me that next day.
I don't know if i can ever fix anything i did wrong.
I don't even know half the stuff i did wrong.
Its been six months.
There's so many questions left unanswered.
Why I still love him.
Why i still care. Why I;m still trying after all this time.
Why i cant let it go.

When I try to sleep I listen, I listen to my heartbeat the bump and thump of knowing I'm still alive. I toss and turn in bed, wake up with sweat dripping. There back, the voices saying I'm worthless and no good. But this time it's not just in my head, the feeling is much deeper. I try so hard to shut them out I do, but they just keep getting louder and louder until I break and my eyes act like storm clouds as they rain. I then sob with loss of air and earthquake sized shudders. My parents call my name, it's time I wipe my red puffy face and put on a fake smile, what's wrong the ask, oh nothing my head hurts, belly ache, or I don't feel good, I'm tired. There I sit in a spiral of depressive and usual lies as I try to protect then from my doubts on life. What is the point of life? To be put down at every corner you turn? To where a fake smile instead of a real one? To always be depressed? Yes, that must be it I think as the laughter of my peers sets in my mind and the feeling of being unwanted settles in, until I miss the cold sharp metal taking away my pain. This is not the way to live. Why can't I be normal? I ask every day. Why can't I be pretty? I look down to my arm and see the remains of past pain, and I remember that's why, I don't deserve it. I wonder what it's like to be truly happy, to truly forget about the bad that has happened In my past instead of it always being in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's like to not have to fight off the tears in every second of every day. I wonder what it's like to live every day happy with a genuine smile. I have a feeling I'm never going to know what it's like. When I have kids they're going to ask "mommy what are those scars from" and I will just say " I hurt a lot somtimes baby". I don't regret the scars one bit though.  They make me feel like I have gotten through a lot. They remind me of my past battles and how I won. They also remind me of how I chose to live another day. My thoughts are always clouded with thoughts of sadness. Thoughts of why I can't be normal. Why does everyone hate me? I ask. Because you're a worthless no good waist of air that's why. My mind says. I don't want to believe it but it's hard not to when it's your mind saying these things.  I'm tired I sleep so much. Just to shut out the world and hatred. But lately there are a lot of nightmares. Those come true, not the good dreams but the nightmares. The good dreams of love are just one big ******* fairy tale I will never get to live.

When I try to sleep I listen, I listen to my heartbeat the bump and thump of knowing I'm still alive. I toss and turn in bed, wake up with sweat dripping. There back, the voices saying I'm worthless and no good. But this time it's not just in my head, the feeling is much deeper. I try so hard to shut them out I do, but they just keep getting louder and louder until I break and my eyes act like storm clouds as they rain. I then sob with loss of air and earthquake sized shudders. My parents call my name, it's time I wipe my red puffy face and put on a fake smile, what's wrong the ask, oh nothing my head hurts, belly ache, or I don't feel good, I'm tired. There I sit in a spiral of depressive and usual lies as I try to protect then from my doubts on life. What is the point of life? To be put down at every corner you turn? To where a fake smile instead of a real one? To always be depressed? Yes, that must be it I think as the laughter of my peers sets in my mind and the feeling of being unwanted settles in, until I miss the cold sharp metal taking away my pain. This is not the way to live. Why can't I be normal? I ask every day. Why can't I be pretty? I look down to my arm and see the remains of past pain, and I remember that's why, I don't deserve it. I wonder what it's like to be truly happy, to truly forget about the bad that has happened In my past instead of it always being in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's like to not have to fight off the tears in every second of every day. I wonder what it's like to live every day happy with a genuine smile. I have a feeling I'm never going to know what it's like. When I have kids they're going to ask "mommy what are those scars from" and I will just say " I hurt a lot somtimes baby". I don't regret the scars one bit though.  They make me feel like I have gotten through a lot. They remind me of my past battles and how I won. They also remind me of how I chose to live another day. My thoughts are always clouded with thoughts of sadness. Thoughts of why I can't be normal. Why does everyone hate me? I ask. Because you're a worthless no good waist of air that's why. My mind says. I don't want to believe it but it's hard not to when it's your mind saying these things.  I'm tired I sleep so much. Just to shut out the world and hatred. But lately there are a lot of nightmares. Those come true, not the good dreams but the nightmares. The good dreams of love are just one big ******* fairy tale I will never get to live.

Standing in the wind
wishing I could start agian,
but yet
I relize I can't.
I try to get up, or move, or walk,
but yet
I relize I can't.
Now they come to
terrorize me agian.
They grab me by the arm
and take me away once more.
But yet,
I dont undersand why.
They take me underground
to see their high master.
So they can decide my fate once more.
He took one look,
and smiled his evil smile,
and told the gaurds
to do the extreme to me.
I cry,scream, and try to tear my way out,
but only in my mind.
Because i relize
if I did it outloud,
I would surely die.
But yet,
something still came out
of my mouth once more.
Now the king
told them to do the extreme
plus more.
Now I've done it.
I've killed myself today.
I will not be able
to breath or live for another day.
They take me away
to where they will **** me today.
So now I wait
for my fate to come,
and start to pray.
They start to beat me,
and throw me agianst the rocks.
But I relize,
I do not feel any pain.
I feel strength growing
in my arms
and start to think
I can live another day.
But before they hit me agian,
a light shines.
It takes away
every drop of darkness
in the world.
A person comes down,
tells me to stand back,
and starts to fight
agianst them.
They flee in fright,
because of what is in their sight.
I really dont know why they ran,
but yet
I relize I didn't see the face of the man.
He turned around
and I instantly relized
this wasn't any ordinary man.
This was the lord, my savior,
the ruler of the light.
I could not beleive my sight.
He takes my hand,
and asks me to walk with him.
Then he takes me
out of here
to never go back agian.
He lifts me free,
and I am forever faithfull to him.
He takes me to his kingdom
where I am forever free.
To walk
and talk
and live worry free.
I can finally be in a greatfull peace.
I reize now,
I can finally start agian once more.

The love of my life causes my tears to fall every night.
And the hard part is I can't even tell him.
I don't want to ruin the relationship he got right after we ended.
What hurts the most is knowing I was never good enough.

I miss the days when we talked everyday.
I miss the days when we always laughed.
I miss the days when you'd smile at me.
I miss the days when you'd do you anything for me.

I miss you.

I miss the times when there was no time to worry.
I miss the times when you said you loved me.
I miss the times when we would do everything together.
I miss the times when we could talk about anything.

I miss you.

I miss your eyes.
I miss your smile.
I miss your laugh.
I miss your hair.

I miss you.

I miss you more
Than the number of stars combined.
I miss you more
Than anything else.

I miss you.

I miss you so much, I can't even breath.
I miss you so much, I can't think strait.
I miss you so much, I can't stop worrying.
I miss you so much, I can't take it anymore.

I miss you.

Isolated in by my terror;
it seems like it has forever.
But yet,
its just been a couple of years,
but im still controlled by all my fears.
I dont try to fight anymore
I have become way too sore.
One day, i shall escape into the light,
but not without a terrorizing fight.
But for now im am still isolated;
Isolated in by my terror.

The life inside my sole
Has died and turned cold.
Instead of a warm beating heart,
I have this lifeless crumbled rock.
Instead of a  life of laughter and happiness,
I have this cold endless depression.
Instead of thoughts of love,
I have this  cold empty place 
Where there is only disaster
And suicidal thoughts.
But I will survive.
I always have. 
I put my faith in the lord,
My savior.
I will survive,
If only to die fighting.

What have I become?
I have turned into nothing.
I cant stand what life has given me.
I had something special.
Something that I loved,
but I had to go mess it up.
I should get over it.
Its been way too long,
but yet it still burns in my mind.
I should be happy,
but I'm overwhelmed by sadness.
It seems that I still have some tears to shed.

Not a word has gone by, not the sound of a person's breath; nor a the sons of their heart beat. Silence is what I'm afraid of; but yet, it's gives me solitude. I guess that means there are different kinds of quietness.  What I'm afraid of the most is when it will be silent forever. When I well never be able to hear the sweet sounds of their voice, witness the words they say. Not even watch the beautiful mess I just happened to fall in love with. Silence is what I'm scared of, not that I might lose them forever; I can handle that. But I cannot stand listening to the nothingness that has has been bestowed upon me. Silence is the death that is soon to come to me.

Forever is a lie that every one tells

What do I do now?
Now that everything is gone.
You’ve already taken everything away.
You've crushed my soul.
You've tore my heart into pieces.
You've left an everlasting scar on me.
You've caused my tears that run down my face
So please stop torturing me now.
I don’t think I can take it anymore.

On what seemed like the happiest day of all,
Turned into the day that I will start to fall.
So on that one beautifully horrid Christmas eve,
you turned and took your leave.
But There was something I could not tell you.
with you gone, my thoughts, my happiness will begin to subdue.
you see,
there are monsters that live deep inside of me.
with them growing stronger by my pain and fear,
they will start to tear me apart beginning with a single tear.
My monsters feed on my despair, but run in fear when I find a smile rising across my face.
You gave me happiness, something to think about instead of the monsters filling my mind.
You gave me hope; something that I needed to find.
Unfortunately nothing lasts for long,
but your happiness is more dear to me than my own.
Win the war that you're fighting.
If you ever see me later in life,
remember me as I was in your memories.
not the way you should see me.
For I may not know what I will be.
With you in my life coming coming to an end,
Let the fear and darkness start to ascend.

I've shed a sea of salty tears that flood the world. And not even the fish survived.