I'm never good
but I'm not dead yet.
Oh,
I want to be,
but somehow there,
at the top of the tree,
I instead came down
to learn
German.

So here I am.
I swore tonight I was going to die;
the movies are over,
there's nothing left to show,
nothing left to teach.
I have no purpose.
Numbness cascades over me,
the cat scratches
stovetop burns
and splinters
are nothing more than peripheral sensations.
So why am I still
hesitant?

If you're reading this for the thousandth time,
the clock ticking ever on,
the time marked out in white numerals at the bottom of the screen,
ignore me.
Go back to work.

But if you're reading this and the movie's over,
the clock having skipped a beat,
the morning peaking through the window,
WAKE UP *****.

Ask someone what the color is today,
wear your special satchel bag
and new skirt like a uniform with tinsel woven in.
One of the speeches is labeled -
"******* that Better Work."
The other one is yours,
"New Speech," it says,
even though it's two months old.
Look in your backpack for the incomplete worksheet,
hopefully it's in the pink binder
where you left it.
Don't forget your sister after school and feed the cats before you leave.
Sincerely,
Yourself

The words came into her mind
e   ff   o   r   t   l    e   s   s   l   y
it was then that she
k       n        e       w
they were
l   i   e   s.

There's no reason why
I'm too tired to get up
too excited to go to sleep
too numb to know when I'm cold and
too frightened to make a sound.
No longer does sensation hold weight
nor thought hold value,
only empty promises I wish to fill
to keep me moving forward.
The ice in the yard is soiled
by dog tracks and
by marks from my feet
sprinting laps at three am to make me
just sleepy enough to collapse
(and though I want to lie down in the ice and stay there I do not).
Of course I'd like to say something,
to have someone know in case
by morning I am gone,
but as soon as I find the words the subject's passed,
shoved in a corner where
no one likes to look.
The look of the words spelled out
on the screen make me want to take them back,
and I rush to do so before realizing
*it's only in my head.

a splitting headache
accompanied by saline raindrops
are more common now
as the hours drag by.
                                                 it's just one quick packet
                                                 you have a week for this
the expectation of perfection
is absolute,
as evidenced by how easy it is
to lose the faith of those once close.
                                                 I didn't want to bother you
                                                 that was quite unexpected
the desire to be good enough
for what little is received
is outpaced only
by the desire to rest for just a moment.
                                                 stop goofing off so much
                                                 lights out early tonight, ok
only through perseverance
can one be successful
but only through failure
can one know the value of success.
                                                 calm down and walk away
                                                 in my own mind, even, I am lost
even in death we are unsafe
as the days go by
with nary a memory of all the jumble
studied and fought in life.
                                                 there's always a choice
                                                 **nothing about it can be helped

Suddenly I'm out of excuses
and it makes me very afraid.