I always wondered what it felt like.
Not being able to breathe
Just silently sinking down
And then it ends, and it’s a relief.
I’ve always managed to float.
Or at least keep my head above the surface
And there were those times when I would almost let go and fall in
But I thought everybody has a purpose.
Now I know how it feels
And I wish I didn’t know
Because I feel like I’m drowning
But I can see everyone around me breathing
I don’t know if it’s worth the fight
When you’re slowly sinking into the deep
And you know if you let yourself fall any more
You can’t get out, but it would all end and be a relief.
And then there’s that moment
When you suddenly change your mind.
I don’t want this to happen to me, I want to get better.
By then you’re almost of time.
So you start thrashing around, struggling.
I can resurface, I can.
And you fight against the force of the water
That’s when the struggle began.
I want to know how to breathe again.
I’ve been in the deep so long.
I want to feel the same like I used to be
I don’t want to have to be strong.
So you start lashing out, in the water.
Whipping, and beating, and squirming.
I’m so close. So close.
I can fulfill that yearning.
Do you know what it’s like?
To almost be there, just a nose away.
It’s like I can breathe. I can breathe again.
But then it’s dark all over
And I realize I’m back in the deep.
Too deep. Too dark to see.
I can just catch a glimpse of the sun’s rays.
Before I’m pulled back into the abyss.
I might never see the light again, I have to stay here forever.
I’ll just wait though, I can wait.
It will be worth the endeavor.