i wake up tired
and before i fall asleep
i feel the most awake
the most alert
my mind doesn't work
until the sun goes down
i don't know why
why its so hard to get going
my biggest regret
is waking up this morning
not that today was any worse than yesterday
or tomorrow will be any better
im not afraid
sometimes i think i am
afraid to make the choices i need to make
its not fear
its apprehension
not of what will happen
but what will become
what will become of me
i spoke to god once
just once
it was on a rickety subway car
we were alone
as only he would have it
i cant share with you what he said
im sure you'll understand
but i'll tell you this
he doesn't hate you
because of the things you do
or the people you hurt
he talks to you like a mother
with the wisdom of your father
his presence was fear
of his strength
i could feel it to the bones
his presence was love
because he came to me
and wanted to know my answers
which im sure he already knew
but to speak them aloud
to hear my voice carry
the answers within
the questions i knew
he broke the silence
and i knew why
he gave me a voice
so that we could speak
he gave me a voice
so that i could be heard
and as he approved
rejection
i of he
he couldn't change it
and so we sat
on a rickety subway car
i spoke to god
before i killed him