Away:

Perplexed
Eternally
Remembering
Sounds
Of
N**othing

These days are different,
don’t ask me how;
there’s only one way for you to understand what I mean.

Now things are changing, no longer simple but more complex yet all the same repetitiveness of the day before.
What changed might you ask, and personally I will tell you, EVERYTHING. It all happens in small amounts, the change, from new seasons to new haircuts, the little thing you don’t notice much. However there are a few times that the change is really noticeable, like when you move from place to place or when you wake up on a Saturday morning before everyone else and you simply lay there, the warm beams of sunlight shining on your face and you just think about how things are
and how they used to be.
That is when it hits you on the head like a ton of bricks, this change is dramatic, its huge and complex.
"But that’s ok" you say to yourself, change is good.
Or maybe just maybe it might not be.

In my mind I am miserable,
in my heart I am joyous.
However, I am stuck in my throat
as are my words when I see you.
There's no way I could tell you how I feel when I'm caught here,
trapped in a place where I hear the music but can't see where it's coming from.
If I could I would tell you exactly what I wanted to,
but in the throat thoughts are not housed or fed,
and emotions do not take action.

God is subjective.
If you really think about it,
God could be anyone or anything.
I prefer to look onward as other helpless people look to the sky.
"I'm talking to God" they tell me.
In reality they merely "pray" or confess to themselves which in turn makes them feel better.
The "Miracle of God" is nothing more than their own brains releasing healing and soothing chemicals as a reaction to stress release.
Religion is simply, in my opinion, people tricking other people into investing their lives to prepare for an afterlife that may or may not even exist.
So when I am forced to attend church, I simply pray to a different God.
The figure of god is supposedly loving, gentle and only truly visible in heaven.
But my god is the one I love.
They love me back and worship me as much as I do them.
If heaven does exist anywhere, then it would be right here.
Where I am loved and happy for at least parts of my life.
Not in some fictional place that is supposedly perfect for everyone.
Well, yes...life isn't perfect, but i can tell you,
It's a hell of a lot better than dying.

Every once in a while,
Something strange happns.
I dream.
Sometimes, I’m not asleep.
Dreams are everything you want, but just can’t have.
I dream of the past.
I go through old notebooks amd folders, work that has consumed hours of my life.
It reminds me of happier times.
So, I sit on the floor and I dream.
Every once in a while.
I have courage.
I build up the strength to sit and listen as I'm told everything i'm not and everything I could be, or at least could have been.
I build up courage to talk when all my throat and mouth wants me to do is shut up.
Every once in a while,
I can't take any more.
The tears run down my face for reasons unknown to myself and the rest of the world.
I am a shell.
Empty.
Void of anything remotely human.
I put earbuds in to make myself look busy, but no music is playing.
I listen as people around me question me and my existence as I sit and pretend not to hear.
Every once in a while, regaurdless of all the displeasures,
I don't mind and I am happy.
These periods are more brief, so I grasp them tightly as they begin to fade and try to hold on.
On one of these rare occasions, I found love.
and every once in a while,
they tell me they love me.
And from that every once in a while...
I feel Joy.

I've heard so many people talk about "one day". One day they'll be happy, one day they'll follow their dreams.
One day everyone will get along.
One day is by far the most passive sentence I have ever heard.
No, I'm not saying you should jump and run to go do something right this second.
But think about it.
If your "One day" was to come tomorrow, would you be ready?
To make that move/ Jump/ step/ or even leap?
Could you accept and live with the life and fate you have always dreamed of?
Most people would say yes because the think only of the positive things like learning to do something, advancing in your workplace or in life, but what about the other "One day"s?
"One day I'll die."
"One day it could all be over."
"One day the things you depend and rely on won't be there for you."
So take some action, put your plans in action.
Or better yet, make plans, have fun, take risks.
Enjoy life.
It won't always be there.

I love those special moments, the everyday ones that are so easy to miss. The fine details that make things beautiful despite its ugliness. The silver lining in the rain cloud.
I love those special moments, the ones that make you want to scream. The ones where you can’t tell if it’s white hot furry, or extremely strong admiration. The drop in the pit of your stomach before you talk to someone.
I love those special m the ones that make you realize you don’t matter. The snide comments, being ignored, that’s the best. The hours of homework that the teacher doesn’t collect.
I love those special moments, the ones that ruin your plans. When you just move on and they pull you back in with a sleepy Monday morning smile.
I love those special moments that break you. When you see something. Ugly or beautiful and your heart just stops. As if it is afraid to beat because it will either explode or interrupt.
I love those special moments.

I know you said you needed space, and I know you said you needed time.
But I can't walk away from you,
When I know all that I will leave behind.
I want you to know me, and I want to know you too.
The only way I can sleep at night is knowing I'm one day closer to seeing you.
I know that I've messed up, and you
have too.
But perhaps we can surpass
All the things that we've been through.
Because after all of this,
The only thing I want to do is to sit down and talk with you.