1.  Understand Weather.

(Strangers on a bench,
Looking up.)

“Cirrus, I think.
Cirrocumulus?”
“Stratus surely.
Or altocumulus.”

(You must also hate the cold
And the sun,
And always wish the current season
Was a different one.)


2. Never Be Honest About Stuff That Hurts.

Pain so bad
Can’t even **** –
“How are you, Arthur?”
“Brilliant, thanks!”

3. Have An Opinion On These People

Katie Price (Feminist? Witch?)
Kate Moss (Goddess? *****?)
Stephen Fry (Snob? Wilde?)
Frankie Boyle (Offensive? Mild?)

4. Never Talk About Money.

“So.” An American asks. “How much do ya make?”
“I…I…Oh My God look at that dog over there that has a face like a pancake!”

5. Learn How To Apply The Class System To Cigarettes.

Pipe – Monty Withnail
Silk Cut – Comfortably Middle.
Lucky Strikes – Probably not British.
B&H; – Shops at Lidl.

6. Secretly (Or Openly) Enjoy The Royal Family

“So, did you hear what they called the baby?”
My boyfriend shrugs and says -
“I don’t give one tiny ****.”
“They named him George. Isn’t that twee?”
“Aw ******* hell, I had a tenner on Louis!”

7. Hey Jude.

If all else fails,
At the end of the night,
Sing na-na-na
And it’ll be alright.

8. Never Complain About Your Meal

“Hm. These mussels look a bit suspect.”
“How’s your meal, Sir?”
“Perfect!”

9. Always Hate The French, (Even If Your Own Mother Is French)

Numberplate 'F'
On an articulated lorry.
“Stuck up…onion…*******.”
(I’m sorry mum, I’m so sorry!)

10. ‘Jerusalem’

Mime a sword in your hand,
Bang your chest with devotion,
Wave the sword about,
Sing with emotion.

You stood up,
Your blazer ironed to immaculacy,
And in the quietest voice I’ve ever heard
Told the Society
That
You

Were

A

Nihilist.

I piped up like a prophet and said
"The only true nihilist
Is a dead one."
I just wanted to speak to you.
God,
I didn’t mean it.

My phone clamped to my ear,
Listening to you think.

We were punning.

(We would combine categories like ‘The Royal Mail’ and ‘Sea Life’,
And come up with things like Octo-post and
Cod-espondence.)

That night it was ‘Crockery’ and ‘Celebrities’.
You thought of Plate Moss
And
Camilla Parker Bowl.

I spent a whole hour chasing the ducks,
Trying to make friends with them.
You watched.
I don’t think you even cracked a smile.
As the sun went down you took my hand
And in the resigned manner of a man resigned,
said,
(For the first time,
Like you’d been shoved into it)
‘I love you.’

Perhaps envy is the mark of love -
Especially when you can devote yourself to the art of it,
To covet every grin and wish that you were half as sincere,
Half as pure,
Half as certain.

Faceful of eyes -

Handling a beer bottle
Like a loaded gun.
(You never tripped over your shoelaces,
You never danced at parties,
And you never kissed strangers.)
How I loved that about you.
How I envied it.
How I fashioned an idol out of it.
For someone so feather-light, you were  
Immovable.
How I wish I'd known
That night
That I would never see you
Never dancing
Again.

Do you remember
When you called me
‘******* of the
Century?’

I do.
I remember the exact
Shade of red I went –
I can pick it out from
Colourwheels in DIY
Stores –
(“An *******’s
Shame",
Also available in gloss.)

Look –
I know what you thought
And I know what you’re
Thinking,
But you were never an
Experiment,
Never on a par with a
Night of heavy drinking,
Thinking,
‘I’ll never touch ***** again!’

And no,
I’m not sure why
We still end up in
Each other’s arms,
But I don’t think we should
Talk about it…
What good will it do
For me and you?
Why strip ourselves
Of the only innocence
We ever had?

Reliving you is
A beauty to me
Because you are the only
Souvenir of a past
Before Him,
A breathing reminder
That there was such a thing.

So,
Do you remember
Calling me
‘******* of the
Century?’
I do.
I remember the exact shade
Of red I went,
And I paint my guilt in it.