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A Mareship Sep 2013
I.
Perhaps I’m dying.
It’s December and
My legs will break
In the frost.
My jaw whips up saliva.
Tell me.

Am I lost?

II.
“It’s one road to hell
and one to the sea,
mum.
The diseased oyster
Gives us the pearl.”

I garble out my sentences
in a whirl,
My name is Arthur
And I’m ok,
I’m ok,
I’m ok…

When I was a little boy I would obsessively count
The fingers on my hands
(onetwothreefourfive - onetwothreefourfive)
To make sure I hadn’t lost one
During the day.

III.
I’m a construction.
I am failing.
It’s not poetic y’know –
No,
It’s pointless.
I am sailing with God and
His breath is in my nostrils,
I am taken hostage,
Alternating between
Spitting at my captor
And kissing the ends of his jeans.

IV.
(I am God’s son! Please God, please. Please. I want to live. I’ll give you anything. I want to live. **** anyone but me, anyone but me.)

V.
I will not sit like a jumbled mannequin
in the corner of a room.
I’m not going to lay down in
This tomb lightly
With flowers in my hair.
People say that the real tragedy
Of being human is that
We’re aware of own approaching demise,
But at the moment I’m
Not sure that's true.
We are only aware of it in a hazy,
Not-quite-there way.

I am stubborn.
And I am not convinced.

VI.
You’re punishing me
Aren’t you?
I never did too many bad things, anyway.
So goodnight then, day.
*******
I’m up up up up up up up
And away.

VII.
Holding a mug
Touching a face,

The cat –

Such little things
Are keeping me alive.
The melodrama.
The ******* melodrama!
Suicide.
God **** it!
You’re always

The

*STAR.
This is not really constructed, more stream of consciousness and I wrote it a while back on some old computer paper. It's not good, but it's an accurate portrait of the way I was feeling at the time.
A Mareship Sep 2013
A handcream made with shea butter,

A record collection all-a-stutter,

Fancy watches, ermine fur,

“Cold blooded luxury”

Strawberry liqueur.
A Mareship Sep 2013
Oh my God my heart is slamming

Off the walls in squishy thuds,

Oh my God my mouth is jamming

All my words are wordy muds -

Muds? Muddles!

I’m befuddled!

Watch my lips all slobberdrool!

My ******* lungs are outerspace!

THYROID STORM!

Sounds

So

*cool!
A Mareship Sep 2013
It stands for
soldiers
in the soil,
sleeping there,
full of holes.

It was currency around the ward,
slashing up our weekend goals.

Red all red,
Little wars,
Little pins,
Behind the doors.
thought I should add an explanation for this one - in Britain we wear poppy badges in memory of those who have died in combat. During a spell in hospital someone smuggled in one of these brooches and it was passed around as a tool for self harm.
A Mareship Sep 2013
You have eighties shoulders
Of twill
fish bones.
You speak in rumbling
R.P tones.

I know you've never
forgiven the time
you heard him thump
my dark design
behind the door.
Incestuous, yes,
and so
much more.

I've never been one
for jealousy.

She sat herself upon
your knee
and dipped her fingers in
your tea,
She was more of a boy
Than I'd ever be
and worth ten of the men
that I've had in me.

(Oh, the horror in your masculinity!)

Certain men I've met have said,
whilst reclining heavily on a bed,
that they blame daddy
every time,
(they sit up, take a sip of wine)
and say that hands ****** down
their kecks,
is replacement for arms around
their necks.

But your arms just weren't made for me.
(No, I was made for *** -
Is that what you once said to me?
And ****** and ECT?
Let's agree to disagree.)

You are the marble pallid giant,
Silver statuesque,
Defiant.
I'm the pigeon on your head that
loses footing,
Underfed.

(I want you.

You know that,

Don't you?)

You eye me up,
Your spoiled brat boy,
Like a child in some deflated joy
would finger a scratch
in a favourite
toy.
Hating my madness and sexuality,
hating hating hating
me,
You hate my writing,
Hate my books,
Hate my mother's French good looks.

(And you especially hate
my inherited size.

It affords me
the ability to
surprise
you with glorious,
stars-in-the-eyes

Right

Hooks.)
A Mareship Sep 2013
I miss

the billowy cotton of you,

I  miss

what I haven’t forgotten of you,

I miss

the willowy half-life of you,

and dismiss

the way that you seemingly threw

your life

into holes that I can’t crawl into.

I insist

that you wait for me out in the blue,

because I miss -

oh darling I miss,

I miss you,

and I wish

that we’d both gone and got that tattoo,

(before you made up your mind you were through)

and I wish

we could sit down at dinner for two,

(and I swear I won’t order for you)

and I could kiss

I could kiss

only you,

before your billowy cotton

turns blue.
A Mareship Sep 2013
Polka dots

Little beads

Rain drops

Cloudy seeds

Pastel pink

Lipstick red

Take too many

Wind up dead

…….

Pills for mania, laughter – blue,
An inappropriate colour,
But what can ya do?

Pills for thyroid, goitre, shakes,
Bottle green like the bottom of lakes,

Pills for pain, black –  red  - pink,
Pills that can’t be mixed with drink,

Pills for anxiety, phobias, fears,
Fleshy coloured,
Like children’s ears,

Pills for dreaming, dozing, sleep,
Pure white
Like counted sheep.
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