Andrea

Andrea Mar 2013

The darkness is back.
And this time
I'm not too sure how
to shed some light on it.

It's like I'm being weighed down
by a cinder block
in the Pacific.
I think I'm drowning.

A permanent stone in my
dry throat. It's hurting.
I wish I could let it burst
and spill out of my eyes.

I am not okay,
but at least I can say it.
Not a lot, but I'll let you know
if i'm not. And if I need your help.

*And I do.

Andrea Mar 2013

Bad Choices

There's no point
in ensuring my safety.
For the world I've been
forced to dwell in
is a hazard to all.

Every choice I make
is inevitably a bad one.
So why should I take
procedures, and wrap myself
in a safety blanket.

Everything that's cherished
has been ripped away from me.
There's nothing
to look forward to.
So excuse me for not playing it safe.

I'll make the worst choices,
never think about anything that could go
wrong.
Because everything bad that could happen
already has.

I'll walk on hot coals with naked feet.
I'll stay underwater
for minutes too long.
I'll taste the sweet forbidden fruit
that is actually living.

Put the poisonous nectar
in my already dying body.
I'll get hazy and fade away
and let the worst people
do the best things to me.

Because I have absolutely nothing to lose.

Andrea Mar 2013

Hot Water

I want every trace of it gone.
I turn up the heat
until the water is warm
on my soft skin.
When I close my eyes
I cringe
because I remember.
Turning the heat up,
the water is slightly stinging.
Not one time did I ever
say that I wanted you.
So I have the comfort
of thinking that it wasn't me.
The steam starts to pour out
from behind the curtains.
The hot droplets roughly pat
the bruises on my back.
I open my eyes
and realize that the pain
is inviting.
What's left of my makeup
runs down my cheeks
carrying the tears
I'm still shedding
into the drains.
Turn it up
all the way.
I let myself smile
as my back is scalded.
I asked for this pain.
I'm still in control.

Andrea Feb 2013

Won't Be Fooled Again

Reach out and touch my cheek.
Don't be offended when I turn away.

Take me out to the dark beach for a walk.
I'm not sorry I don't reschedule for another day.

Wrap your arms around me.
Try not to cough as I fall to ashes.

Yell at me and get angry.
Apologize when I bat my sorry lashes.

If you call me beautiful, I'll tell you you're lucky.
I know you won't find someone like me.

And that's what I'm aiming for.
You can tell I'm not right. All I feel is misanthropy.

Broken hearts, broken by me.
But I've been broken too.

It's painful, depressing, you feel ripped to shreds.
So don't act like I can't feel you.

I know the darkest roads that can be travelled in my mind.
They're all paved with memories of your face.

So don't be hurt when I let you suffocate on yourself.
I want to watch you disappear without a trace.

I'm not the bad person, you know.
I'm simply confused and lost.

Is this what you accomplished?
A sense of power. But at what cost?

Andrea Feb 2013

You Again

You've knocked me off my feet again,
I fell on the hard ground and bled.
You're cuter when your mouth isn't moving,
and your lungs stay still.
What nerve you have.

Andrea Feb 2013

The Light Dims

Haven't you ever scared yourself?
You look at yourself in the mirror and cry
"What have I become?"
Five years ago
you were completely different.
Whether you were more reserved,
safe,
you questioned from a distance.
You were observant
but never acted on anything.
Did you suddenly wake up one day,
different?
As you sat up in your familiar bed,
did everything feel foreign?
When did you break?

Andrea Feb 2013

Laughing At Freedom

I want to escape reality,
so I do.
I write and write,
about the lives I'd love to live.
I'm not sure why it's funny.
And I'm not sure why you laugh.
If you've never done it,
I'm going to question your sanity.
Isn't there a life you'd like to live out?
Put it down on paper,
to remember what could be
if you just escape to your
mind.
You could say things
you know you'd never
have the nerve to.
Love people
that don't exist.
Go places that frighten you
intrigue you.
Why would anyone laugh at that?
An alternate reality,
or realities, endless.
Everything you'd ever want.
It's as close to perfection as you can get.
So why would you ever laugh at me
for being creative,
and simply putting
alternate lives on paper?