How would life journey on
If life is the child,
unable to answer
to some beautifully layered page.

I stood there amongst the dead stalks,
my deadened and darkened mind
devoid of even the least comprehensible thought.
I was looking neither forward nor behind.

It was at the cyclical death of this dreary world,
an annual and expected occurence,
heralded by dark clouds across the sky curled.
The sky itself will be gray from this point hence.

By chance I looked up above
and saw a single white particle,
spinning and twirling as if shoved.
My breath suddenly grew shallow.

I knew its fate,
that crystalline little flake.
He was to fall to its warm end in my place,
melted without want or the slightest hate.

It's life was much shorter than mine,
much less at stake.
Nothing left behind,
no family or place.

We were similar we two,
that is to say.
We each quickly grew,
and we share the same ultimate fate.

When the sour deed was done,
and I'd destroyed the small friend,
I'd turned and swiftly gone.
With the knowledge that I'd tread that field again.

And so it came to pass that I was walking that field,
it was just a short time later.
My tattered wits had greatly healed,
and I felt infinitely safer.

My thoughts were here above me now,
no longer embattled or fraught.
I could see perfectly how
I had accepted what my dear friend had sought.

The beautiful little flake had fallen,
it had tumbled so that it may seek the end.
No matter how short its life may have been,
I was happy for my lost friend.

For that is really it,
that is the ultimate end.
There is nothing more after you sit,
after every last bit of energy is spent.

That's it now
that's what you've reduced me to.
And I honestly have no clue how,
I'm going to deal with losing you.

I said three words,
that ever important,
but terrifying verb.
But I meant it.

I've tried killing my mind,
going back to where I was when I met you.
I wanted to be numb so I tried and tried.
That failed too.

But I think I've found a solution,
a way to forget for a few hours,
a blood stream pollution.
I won't have to think about all that was ours.

But those three words always return,
I love you.

I had no clue
what it actually meant
to lie beside someone
and be entirely theirs.

I had no clue how amazing it felt
to shut my eyes inches from theirs,
and open them again in the same place
hours later.

I had no clue what it felt like
to hold someone close,
and feel their body warm against mine.
To feel like one.

I had no clue,
what it was like to bury my face in someones hair,
and smell their shampoo.
To recognize them by their scent.

I had no clue,
what it was like to say
"I love you"
And mean it with every ounce of my being.

But I do now,
and I love it.

That smell,
that musty odor caressing the air,
coddling it and cooling my mind.
Growing stronger and stronger with each successive stair,
birthing me into the world.
It doesn't fit,
not in these temperatures,
not in this light.
It's a cube,
in a gray matter hole.
It just doesn't work.
But it's there,
permeating the stinging air.
Cold and deadly,
it lingers without approval or purpose.
Yet,
It's inviting,
sentimental.
As the leaves shake off their bonds,
as they find rest on the dead ground,
it grows.
It's presence princely among the colors,
adorned in darkness and a shimmering beauty.
It's a rot,
a stench of death.
The silent death of a million bright jewels,
resplendent with the auras of natural flame
and lost underfoot with a magnanimous crunch.

18 days left now,
since when was that an eternity?
I know it's been 30 already,
but it sure as hell feels like it.
18 days until the countdown ends,
and then I guess I could say that a new life begins.
Less than three weeks I tell myself,
then I can look into the brilliant blue eyes.
They won't be blurred by the camera,
because skype just isn't the same,
or hidden behind my own digital reflection in your glasses.
I can run through the city with you,
sit on the beach,
and watch contentedly as a brightly burning sun kisses the ocean goodnight.
But that's 18 days away,
and that seems like an eternity from now.
Whatever the case,
it's been a month and I love you,
so I can wait.

So it begins,
that song comes on.
It's not attached to any one event,
no breakup or loss.
It's just intrinsically sad.
It doesn't way upon the soul,
or displace the mind.
It causes a sadness,
not like a madness or depression.
It's too clean for that.
I'm not implying that they are *****,
or bad.
No, they are just torn and tattered,
much like the old blanket they make you want to bury yourself in,
to hide where daylight will never seep in.
Rather this sadness is crystalline,
a pure movement of emotion.
A product of dark and shimmering beauty,
much akin to tears,
the ones that roll slowly down one's cheek
as the song goes on.
This sound,
this jumbling of frequencies,
an phonemes.
Words that mean so little upon listening,
but so much upon LISTENING,
and melodies played upon a machine.
This song about choices,
about struggling, about strength.
This perfect sound,
this glimmering song,
is life.