I stood there alone in that sun-drenched field
The grass was all dead,
It was stiff yet it would still yield.
I was plugged in, dead to all but what I saw.
I let the music wash over me as I wished the stinging in my eyes would subside.
There was no one around, no to hear me yell or cry.

The strange thing was, I didn’t do either.
I couldn’t, wouldn’t, or didn’t want to.
Whatever the case, I knew that I would have to move soon.

The world around me was as dead as it could be,
Yet it seemed so bright and clear
Almost as if it were somehow happy.

Not once, despite this strange quandary
Did I get the feeling.
The one of sadness and extreme self-loathing.
I just stood there and watched as this pristine world
Slowly shaped itself and the clouds whirled.

For once, there was no logic or extraneous though.
I felt one with this world, I was newly begot.
Reborn to peace, a happiness inside.
My darkness dispelled, yet I still didn’t cry.

That was it, all that I felt.
I was looking through a crystal lens at it all,
And it made me feel so fake,
Like I was drawn into a photograph by some cartoonist.

Yet, I knew I was there.
I felt he swinging of the camera around my neck
And the bite of the cold on my cheeks.
But not much else.

I was happy for a time, so very pleased
But slowly I came to center
And that elation ceased.
I felt nothing, was nothing, and knew nothing.

I was just there, a being without purpose
A man without reason
And a boy staring at the swaying trees.

The only thing that dared cross my mind
Was a thought of you
And how I wished you were there upon that windswept field with me.

It’s been seventeen years now
Of listening to these
“great men”
Stand and pontificate.

And so this poem
Is seventeen years too late.

Because honestly,
I’m tired.
Tired of someone trying
To brainwash me with lies and hate.
To force me to give into blind faith.

I won’t be another drone
Standing, repeating
In a dull monotone.

I will believe what I want
And practice how I will
I will question it all.

Religion is a creation of man
A belief in naught
We are man
And we have killed God.

Though,
Can we **** what never existed?
We created him
And we can destroy him.
But can we **** him?

It only takes thought
And reason,
Logic
And freedom.

We are who we are,
And so we must think,
Free our minds from what we are taught
And give it up,
The whole **** lot.

We cannot be free
When constrained by God.

For Paige:
I’ve wanted to ask you,
For so long now.
I just wasn’t sure,
Exactly how.
So I thought I’d give it a try.
This has been on my mind,
And I tried and I tried
To come up with ideas
But none were really mine.
Until I thought of this poem,
Something that I could create,
I and I alone.
So please consider it,
It would really mean a lot,
If you went with me to prom.

I’m standing here thinking
“****, where you going kid?
Can you possibly succeed?
Is life wasted
On you and all you do?”
I know the future looks bleak
And the sky’s so dark,
You won’t find what you seek.
But please,
Don’t give up on me.
Don’t quit,
Don’t go,
Don’t leave.
There’s a spark,
I see.
It’s in your heart,
Your mind,
Your being.
So just cut the ****
And stand,
Don’t sit,
For what you’re worth
And go for it.
You have a chance,
So please don’t
Bind your own hands.
Grasp your life
And all that you see.
Cradle it,
And brace yourself
For the hit
Of harsh reality.
You’re not done,
You’re not lost,
But you’re still not ready for what may come.
Seek happiness, no matter the cost.
Life is not done,
All these chances
Are not gone.
Life is what you make it,
A window, a door,
Or a wall.
You can go through,
Stop, or stall.
Whatever you do,
Live it,
Love it,
and grasp it all.
Your descent through life
Is not a free fall.
You have you,
Yourself,
Your friends,
Them all.
Use it, guide it,
And walk down that hall.
Where greatness resides,
And you feel small.
So please,
Just straighten up
And stand tall.
This life is yours,
So own it,
Own it all.

I sit on the edge
And swing my legs over.
I think to myself
“Should I do it?”
“Would someone hear me
If I screamed out as I fell?”
No, it would all be drowned out.
Am I too late
To change this terrifying fate?
I’ve committed
So there’s no turning back
There’s a rock below, I might hit it.
That would certainly end my journey
Down this track.
It makes me quiver
And turns my thoughts to you.
Oh how I wish you were here!
This dizzying height
Makes me unsteady.
That terrible sight,
I’m sure I’m not ready.
Yet I still go.
I inch closer to the edge.
I hope that I don’t
Hit my head.
Still closer I get,
Barely holding on.
Just telling myself,
“At the end of this song.”
There it is,
The last blaring chord,
My cue to jump
And land so hard.
So I push off,
As if on chairlift,
And let out a scream.
But you,
You cannot hear me,
Just the splash as I hit the water
With a dull thumping “thud”
Like a sack of potatoes,
In the hot summer sun.
I surfaced in a panic,
Soon changed to delight
I had conquered my fear
And vanquished my fright.
The high dive became my favorite
That very night.

I can’t let go
I can’t move ahead
All that I know
Is this feeling of dread

Of foreboding and pain
Of knowledge lost
And the ground not gained
The paths not crossed

The past is a prison
My fear the bars
I hold myself back
Oh so far

I fear my mistakes
Those I have made
I fear what it takes
To not make them again

My future unclear
My mind full of dread
All I hold dear
Burdens my head

I don’t want to lose it
To see it all go
My being, my mind
All that I know

I fear mistakes
More than death itself
The fool I will make
Of myself

Those in my future
Bred of my past
With consequences
That will forever last

Ones that will haunt me
And torture my thoughts
Twist them against me
And make my resolution naught

These are the things that hold me back
And leave me hidden
By the bars that are the past

Those bars I build
With my own mind
To avoid the roles I need to fill
In my life, in this time.

This world is spinning
And my head along with it
So I just sit writing
And wait for a hit

That magical moment
When I cannot stop
And my fingers take charge
Recording my thoughts

That time when life
Reveals itself
And it’s all I can do
To contain myself

That moment of joy
That feeling of grace
Where all the words
Fall into place

When I saw you
And sat here and wrote
My thoughts anew

So much beauty and poise
I just want to speak my thoughts
But I cannot make a noise

So instead I sit
In front of this machine
Watching my fingers flit
From key to key

Seemingly random
These thoughts enter my head
I see them differently
Things of beauty instead

Thoughts of you
And who you are
Where you are from
What your joys are

Your amazing smile
That takes a place
Of great wonder
On your face

Your laugh so sweet
I could listen for days
Your quirks so endearing
They make me crazed

These sights I see
And feelings I feel
Sometimes I wonder
If they could be real

For never before
Have I felt like that
And never before
Have I seen anyone like that

I would walk the world over
For another chance
To see you smile
And watch your eyes dance

Beautiful
And endearingly shy,
As awkward as me
And I don’t know why.


And no matter
How hard I try
I can’t shake that feeling

The feeling of longing
And the wish for your warmth
The ability to hold you
In my arms

To sit and talk
And laugh away
To be with you
Each day.