Everything reminds you of him.

Everything.

I stepped out of my bed and looked at my bare feet, the nailpolish on my toes chipping away from prom night.

I get into the shower and I wash my hair, feeling its curliness and remembering his fingers running through it.

Fingers, and then

My hands, dangling them behind me in long hallway, wishing you would latch on.

My dad, and the times I biked to your house to drown out the hurtful words he screamed in my ears, and knowing that you would kiss the bruises on my thighs until they disappeared.

My ankles and the times you laughed at the patch of hair I missed while shaving

My backpack and the how you lent me three dollars and 48 cents so I could buy it.

And my cheeks, and all those ****** days when you refused to kiss them, but kissed my lips instead


Thinking about God, remembering thanking Him everyday that I’m alive every time I pass the part of 94 E where I got into my car accident, on the way home from your house on that icy night.

I can’t function in a normal way without pangs of hurt
Popping into my head like bee bee gun pellets.

I can’t think of bee bee guns without thinking about that night we hung out with your stupid friends and they shot a phone book with it, putting holes three inches deep.

I can’t think of that night without getting angry at your parents.

I can’t think of your parents without thinking about the day your mom caught me putting my shirt back on after an hour and a half of happiness
and how she sat us down

And said that you needed to think about your future, you future wife.
Was I really worth it?
Were you wasting your time?
I guess that was always up to you.

I can’t think of Christmas, because you gave me a ring that morning
And we fought a lot that winter.

I can’t think about Halloween because we used to go to Erin’s party every year
Except this year because she cancelled it
At least
I think she did.

I can’t think about valentine’s day because the day before it is our anniversary, the day you asked me to be yours
Over a text message.

And I said yes.
Over a text message.

I can’t think of easter because that was the day I kidnapped you
And took you far away from your mom
Where we couldn’t hear her tell us we were wrong about each other.

We went to a bridge
And you made me feel so beautiful even though my shoes were so ugly.

And we kissed on top of every sculpture
And we tried to kiss at the very top of the world, but it was closed
Because of easter.


And I can’t think about the day after easter
Because that was when I ended it.

And I’m not ever gonna get over this.

I write to remember
I write to hear the rain fall over and over in my head

I am writing to hear his voice softly in my ear,
feel his lips and breath next to my face

I have written to cry
i write to make others cry
because that’s how I know they feel something

that’s how I know the difference between us
and them

I write to remember the mud under in between over up top of my toes
And the glorious cold sweetness of it
How I remember it musty and home-like

And I write to remember her eyelashes
And her crinkly smile

I always write to make myself feel something
And to make others feel me
Feel my soul
Reaching out like
I reached out to him
After I drove away

I write to remember
The people I have lost

And I hope that when people read what I have written
They will change their minds about killing themselves
Because it will remind them
That life is beautiful

I’m so troubled

The way he kisses me is the same way you used to
And I don’t know

If I like it or not.

Déjenlas ir a sus casas
Sanas y salvas.
Paren la contaminación
En nuestras personas.
Nuestros niños están llorando
Pero hay silencio en los campos
Nuestras personas
Tienen hambre
Déjanlas comer
Nuestras personas
Tienen sed
Déjanlas beber
?Que están haciendo?
Ustedes beben con vasos de cristal
Pero nuestras personas
Beben con las latas sucias.
Nosotros estamos hacienda una función
Pero el público es ciego
Y algunas cierran los ojos
Abran los ojos
Las pesticidas están matándonos
Paren
Y no les importa
Tenemos el poder
De levantarnos.
Vamos a trabajar
Para nuestra libertad.
!Den la libertad!

he lifts up my skirt
and says not to worry

but I do anyway

but I don’t tell him that
and he gazes into
my blossom

while I am cringing
because of the cold

but i don’t tell him that

and then it’s hurtinghurtinghurtinghurtinghurtinghurting

and then it’s over
and I feel the exact same as I did before
but I don’t tell him that

and I don’t think he proved his love to me
like he said he was going to
he didn’t make me feel good
like he said he was going to
and I still don’t love him

but I don’t tell him that

I am his soda; he drinks me in

caresses me with his hands

brushes lips against me

for the period of bliss, life is heaven

                                Pure Ecstasy

I am his soda
  
Until one day, unexpectedly

he drops me

on the pavement- Crunch! with his foot.

he tosses me carelessly  

into a bin. He threw me in.

He threw me away.


I am an empty, crushed soda can.

The recycling man soon arrives

melting me, molding me back into myself

He fills my soul with something
  
bubbly and sweet

So here I'll wait

for a boy who won't crush me up

But instead, pour more Love into his cup.

The worst thing to ever happen
Was you

When you kissed me that first time
I thought I was gonna have to pay you money for it

And when I first held your hand
I thought it was gonna feel like needles

The first time we had ***
I thought maybe
I would hate it
I thought it would scar me

I thought maybe you would be so bad for me

But the worst thing that happened
Was me

Being wrong
About you

this year,
i will not kiss anyone
that i don't want to kiss.

i will not let people grind up on my ***
in clubs
if i am not interested.

when my heart races and falls, dead
into the sea of stomach acid
I will scream no
at the top of my lungs

so that you will hear me, for once

I will value
myself
and what i want.


I will actually learn
what i want
and chase it

like horses in
a meadow
running

because they have the most beautiful freedom to do so.


**i will stop being afraid
of hurting you

because, ******

you hurt me too.

love always ends with someone getting ****** over-

you said.

well, i guess i want to know-
-need to know-

was it worth it?





     before you go
allow me

to slap that cigarette out of your hipster mouth


and whisper

"when you grow up,

i hope you're better than you are now"

blood drips drips drips into the sink

flows between my fingers


my forehead
throbbing

dripping sweat

hair plastered to my cheeks
and eyelids



then, in a streak of insanity

i settle deep into the floor
and pull the shower curtains off the rod,
over my head



falling deep
into the floor
past the tiles

past the pipes
past the old couple living in the apartment below mine

and they hold each other
and i watch


as he tries to put it in her

he can't.

they're both too squishy
and wrinkly

and tired

(he collapses on top,
rolls off of her

her ****
sagging towards her arms
******* with a diameter of my balled up fists
she sighs at him and gives a yellow toothed smile)




i want to feel something hard
and slippery
against my skin

i want to get ****** up

                                           i'll never forget
                                 that blood stained towel
                                      we placed under my hips

                                           to stop the blood
                                                           ­                    from staining the bedsheets.


                                              just like the one

balled up under my head
on the bathroom floor



eyes closed