Letter to God

Dear God,
I have been crying a lot lately.
I don’t know why
But I’d like to make some changes in my life.
I’d like to be happy, God.
I know I don’t come to you for much,
But I feel like there’s no other way out of this overwhelming depression
I feel every day.
I don’t want to push others away anymore;
I want to do things for myself and others
Without feeling like I’m being rushed into growing up.
I don’t know what the plan is, God,
Or however they refer to life as
But we need to get on it.
I know you won’t answer,
But I’d like to know why you took Jack.
I hope he’s happy up there. We really miss him.

Please do not take anyone else. Don’t take my daddy from me.
I need him more than ever right now.
Help him to stop smoking. He can’t use cigarettes as a stress crutch anymore.
Take care of Mom and Grandma too.
They’re doing the best they can.
Don’t let anything hurt them. If you ever sent me angels, they must be it.
Bring Aunt Katie and Uncle Brandon a healthy baby girl, like they’ve been wanting.
I want to see my baby brother, God.
I don’t understand why you’ve kept him from me. He’s turning seven in a week.
I haven’t seen him for months.

I’m sorry for saying I didn’t believe in you, God.
I don’t know if you can hear me up there,
But I ‘m sorry I haven’t come to you before, and I ‘m sorry for avoiding you.
I hope you can hear me,
Because I’ve decided I don’t feel worthless anymore. I want to live, not die.
You’ve helped me to realize that even if I’m alone,
I can get through life. Thank you
Thank you for gifting me in art and literature, sports and mathematics.
I promise I’ll do better.
Oh, and God? Please help me to overcome my issues with Aaron.
He’s my best friend, and I love him to death.
I could never part with him. I don’t care if we’re ‘too young’.
Please, let us show them we were right, that he is the one.
Don’t take him from me, like Jenny was taken from Forrest Gump.
I watched that movie today, and it made me cry.
You know that movies never make me cry.
I would be so lost without Aaron.
If I had to die to save him, or anyone I love, I’ve decided it wouldn’t be so bad.
After all, I would get to meet you.
Lastly, God, I’m trying to be simply happy.
When I was little, as you probably know,
I asked Dad what the point of life was.
He told me that it was to be happy;
That’s not what I’ve been doing….
But I’m going to start.
If I cry from being happy, so be it. But it hasn’t happened yet.
I’m ready, God.
Take my hand, and lead me into the sun.

Jack
A loving and faithful companion

It was upsetting to see you lay around for days
Drinking nothing
Eating nothing
And sleeping little
But it was a lot worse when we found out why.
You had a volleyball-sized tumor on your tummy
And it ate you inside out.
They got it removed, and you were fine.
But suddenly
Cancer struck again
And you became riddled with tumors
Like Swiss cheese.
But I didn’t even know.
I wasn’t there for you, to embrace you when you came to me
After all those times.
I came home one day
And Dad brought me a box
With a paw engraved on top.
He said, “This is Jack now.”
We both began to sniffle.
“We had to put him down. His cancer came back.”
Sniffle.
“He shook my hand with his paw before we let him go. We took him to the beach with the other dogs the day before, and he was the only one who went in.”
Sniffle.
“He went in up to his chest. All by himself.”
Sniffle.
“No one lays on his bed anymore. The other animals will sniff it and walk away. They don’t know what to do without him.”
I had to leave the room
And muffle my sobs with a hand towel.
I can’t ever scratch his ears again.
The red-haired puppy that jumped into my lap and licked my face
Is a ghost now.
A memory.
You were only six, Jack
I hope you’re happy in doggy heaven
With a peanut butter filled Kong chew toy.

My hand doesn’t seem to want to hold a pencil;
My brain is having trouble focusing.
What is this?
Multiple choice?
Worksheets?
Essays and Assignments?
Woah, wait a second
I can’t handle this algebra equation
And forget about a ‘great thesis’!
Give me a second to comprehend!
Can we please skip all the introductory class rules?
I wont spit gum in your class
Or write on all the desks.
I already know where to turn my paper in, and yes,
I will sharpen my pencil whenever I feel like it.
I’m bored already, I want to get moving
I’m ready to learn.
Golly gee, it sure is hot in here!

Once filled with a writhing mollusk
Now excavated and empty
Enter at the mouth of a continually twisting cave
To the left
Curling deeper into the heart of the shell
Shining and polished from years
Of water lapping at the coating
And brushing gently against the sand
Iridescent green and blue fade into purple
Suddenly
The shell’s twisting cavity
Ends

I open the message
And my jaw drops open.
My hand flies to my lips
To muffle the gasp that unwillingly escapes them.
I utter, “No, no, no….”
As reality sinks in and paralyzes every rational thought inside me.
I drop my phone
And run out the door
Hoping to find you, to see you.
Panic bubbles from deep inside my chest
And a cry escapes my throat
As I feel my heart tearing itself apart over your absence.
You abandoned me.
I desperately glance down the streets
I run
And run
And run
In search of you.
You’re the big bad wolf
How come you get to hide?
I’m the little piggy
Running, searching for you without pride.
Knowing I won’t find you
I run and cry out anyways.
Alone.
A tear slips down my cheek
Life a solitary brick that keeps a dam together
And so forth plummets a waterfall
From my windows to the world.

Have you ever spoken a word aloud
That you didn’t know the meaning of?
Didn’t you wonder at the strange noises rolling off your tongue?
Did you question the point of all those gobbledygook syllables?

Life is like those words.

I do not know the meaning of it.
I wonder at the strange games daily life asks me to join in playing.
I question the point of all the nonsense
And dread slouching from out of my inviting bed each morning.
Day upon day, a terrible occurrence
Occurs,
Shattering my confidence like a stone thrown through an icy window pane.
I come home
And gravity forces me to kneel
As the day’s events overcome me with a wave of fresh pain.
I cannot suppress it for another second.
My composure topples like a house of cards.
Sobs tear through my throat
And the monster of depression violently rips from my chest.
It escapes my lips, blocking all air from my lungs
And frees itself.
Cold and alone,
Depression decides he needs his host.
He stays nearby,
Descending in a dark cloud
Then wraps himself around my shoulders and neck.
The escape leaves me gasping,
Hoping it is all unreal.
My body shakes the tears down my blotchy face
Staining my cheeks with the release of broken promises,
Forgotten achievements,
And pointless dreams.

There is nowhere to turn for comfort.
I try to turn to food,
But I am already full of despair.
I try to turn to physical pain
In hope that my torn hairs and scratched skin
Will give me a “real reason” to cry.
I’m too scared to do real damage
Fearing no one will want me because of the marks.
So I leave none.
Eventually,
Exhaustion takes its toll
And I am out of tears

For the time being.