Crushing the air from my lungs, exhaling in a gasp
If it's nothing more than the dance of neurotransmitters across synapses
Nerves transmitting impulses
Proton gradients forming and dissipating
Why do I feel it so vividly

Her face is a continent
Her eyes are algae-brimming lakes swirled with sunlight
In their centre dark pools, you could dive for eternity
Tanned skin spans vast distances
And freckles mark capital cities
Her smile causes earthquakes but there is no one there to mind
Fine laughter lines form ridges that will later form mountain ranges
Degeneration will take over
Sharp cheekbones and smooth jawlines
Lose definition and second glances
A sea of fine hair, once a deep gold
Fades to grey and grows brittle with age
Time takes it's toll
It happens to all of us
But her eyes remain fathomless

We danced in your room on a weekday evening
To that song by that band that we liked
Graceless and inelegant on my part
Stepped-on toes and laughter in unity
You held my waist and I hid the tears that beaded in the corners of my eyes
In your shoulder so you wouldn't ask what was wrong
Because I was so happy
Not like the clichés you might see in a film
There was no orchestral soundtrack, no montage of our time together
Angel choirs didn't sing of the best coupling in history
Nor did they lament our separation
The world went on
And I got used to it
But to this day
I can't listen to that song without crying

Eyelids flicker
Under eyelash sheaths irises roll and pupils dilate
Hands clench sweat-soaked sheets
Clinging onto cliff edges of their minds
Lips mumble incoherent protests
Begging for a release not available
From the captors in their head
Until you are released, dropped if you will
The fall. The jolt.
The few seconds of paralysis
Caught between the paroxysm of colour left over from your mind's eye
And the cool darkness of your room
Your breath catches, your pulse slows
And you fall back, oblivious, into many hours of vividly shadowed dreams before dawn

Paint my eyes with rich black kohl
Butterfly eyelashes
Heavy with fakery
My skin like porcelain;
Every freckle masked, every expression hidden
Lips stained scarlet
Doll-like and wide eyed
The emotion playing across my face carefully chosen
To make you believe what i will you to
I can keep every soul out, stay mint-condition, so to speak
Only if i pretend hard enough
Only if i am perfect

It's not fair for you to want me back
I am not your puppet
I am not at your beck and call
It's not fair to drop me with no warning to land feet first
Then call me to heel when you're bored
Using the inflection you know will unleash a flood of memories
And the look that leaves me awash
In thoughts of the past tinted by time
We are interconnected by a multitude of strings
Pull a thread and I will unwind
It wasn't fair when your words opened gashes in my skin
Roses grew sharp, wanting thorns that pricked still raw wounds
For months I cowered and flinched
Away from the kindness of others
For I felt too despicable to accept such morsels of sympathy
Unworthy of anything but revulsion from another
Then I built myself back up
Slowly, so gradually, broken pieces of my self respect
Reformed until I was scarred and uneven, but whole
And I should be strong enough to say no
Strong enough to deny you what you denied me all those months ago
But the reason I hate myself
The reason for my confliction
Is after everything you put me through
I so badly want to say yes

I'm about to start feeling bad again
I've experienced a tangible expectancy
The past few weeks
It's like standing on the edge of a building
Knowing the low is inevitable

Unbalanced, they call it
Too much of one and too little of another
A deficiency and an excess
You can't help it, it's chemical, it's beyond your control
And unbalanced is a just description
Because at any moment I feel I could fall off the precipitous line I walk

They call your name, you look up and pull on a smile
They bring you out of your reverie and are left waiting
For that second from when they ask for your interest
To when you remember what is expected
The breach between what you are feeling
And the expression on your face
Is wider and deeper than an ocean trench

Stumbling through
Weary and war wounded
Limbs dragging and time clawing
It's way around the clock
When will it end
When will it stop
Stop leading me to believe in a change that won't happen
An alternate reality i don't deserve
Feet dredge up cloying mud and vapid memories
From the airless depths of my mind
And i am sinking
Losing time
Time is moving
And i am trailing
Falling to the exertion
Tripping over obstacles of human form
Still pushing forward
But slower than i did before
Oh
So this is the end

Of course you're the victim
I'm the *****
I'm in the wrong
Obviously i should make it up to you
Because you're perfect
You're always right
When actually you're a joke
I don't like you
And never will
And when you end up alone
It will only be what you deserved all along

China skin
Ivory,
Blushing delicate rose at the apple of my cheeks
Late nights and an excess of alcohol gone
Leaving a porcelain mask
Freckles, normally multiplying exponentially in the summer
Frozen in an eternal spring, not yet brought out by sun
Not yet spread in continents across my face
Hair, glossy and spilling into curls down my back
Tendrils resting waist-length
Flesh cool to touch,
Not marred or marked or scarred
Pulse stilled under my pale, pale neck
Close the casket, and I am preserved
In a 7 by 2 world unchanged by time
With a finality that will outlive any legacy I left behind

Sick
Of
Being
Treated
Like
I'm
Fragile
Or
Easily
Hurt

I don't want to deal with this
All these questions and this prying
Torrents of words which demand answers I'm not ready to part with yet
Your voice amplified in my head a hundred times
And your phrasing repeated a thousand times over
The concept of 'not your business' is obviously alien
To people like you, who know everything about everyone
You can't stand that I'm an enigma to you
But you will have to, for a while longer at least
Because,
I don't want to deal with this
I don't want to deal with you

I would never have left you on your own
Have left you with your thoughts and your thoughts and your thoughts
Have left you to this interminable half-life, this crippling paralysis
If you share your burden with anyone you will shatter and the shards will be fine as splinters
Too small to put back whole
I would never have chosen someone else, do you know what it's like
To cover your ears to screaming only to realise the voice is yours
And it’s all inside your head
And the comparisons spin round and round and round your unconscious
Fixated on what only serves to hurt you further
I would never have left you so repulsed by your own skin,
Left you finding your own flesh so repellent
You want to claw your way free and just cease to exist
And you scratch and you slice and you scar the surface but wake up every morning
To the realisation that you are still you and it was not a bad dream
I would never have wished this on anyone
I would never have done to you, what you so thoughtlessly did to me

The light hit your face
In such a way
I understood where paradisiacal got it's meaning
And in that moment
You were more than I ever deserved