Alone is a place
I’ve never ventured
Always attached
Slightly indentured

Self inflicted fidelity
Unwarranted, at times
Despite indiscretions
Despite others’ crimes

There is something
Twisted, yet satisfying in this
To me, I feel loving
As red flags are dismissed

I hold on by a thread
He, on solid ground
He, allowed to feel loose
While I’m tightly wound

It’s time to stop
This time I meant it
Knowing it now
Being codependent

I wish you would dive deep
Explore the cavern
In my chest
I am empty
I am hollow
Not much left

I started so strong
Much resolve
Too much to give
All along

It was too easy
For you to take me
I let you in
I let you have me
So easily

I shouldn’t have to
Guard myself
From the one
Who should have
Protected me

Maybe I’ve been complacent
Unable and unwilling
To do without

Maybe I’ve been screaming
With my own hands
Over my mouth

I love to love you fully
Give myself away
As I lose sight

As if it were romantic
Tempt me
And I might

It is the map I follow
Hang a left
At a guilt trap

Empowering myself to change it
Not too late
For turning back

I’ve been told
Anger is how
Your body
Communicates
Wakes up
Something in you
Disrupts
And I am
Furious

For myself
And the times
I disregarded
My needs
For another’s
Seemingly more
Important needs

I am someone
I am important
I am here

I have needs
Even if
You can’t
See them
Or choose
To tend
To them

I am
Willing
And able
To help
Myself
For
Myself

How could I suffocate
My living, breathing fantasies?
Vacuum seal them, pack them up
Asphyxiate the fire inside me

Why do I detest the intricate ways
My heart wants what it wants?
Its off rhythm beats and wildness
A feral labyrinth of knots

I am slowly untying, exploring and finding
Myself within my own mess
If others deserve what makes them happy
Why would I deserve any less?

I need to be leaving
I’m going away
It’s too painful
Right now, to stay

I found a place
For a few days
To be alone
Leave no trace

I hope I will
Hear my quiet voice
Find myself there
Without the noise

I set out at sunset with Spotify
“Ophelia” as my soundtrack
Trekking on the Huckleberry trail
As the sky faded from red to black

“Sirens” began and there I was
Looking at my ex to say goodbye
Unable to feel anything like him
Forcing feigned tears from sapphire eyes

“29 #Strafford APTS” sang and I recall
Wondering what and who he’d be
Imagining a man I didn’t know if existed
Someone who’d love and cherish me

I dreamed he would know me deeply
Love my quirks and intricacies
Know my hopes and dreams and secrets and fears
And remember how I like my coffee

I wished for someone transcendent
To make life light up like a rampart
Someone that liked to learn and grow
Someone like “Steal Your Heart”

Then with a twist of fate you appeared
We reconnected like “Lost Stars”
You made me feel so new again
Despite our past love’s scars

“Lay Me Down” brought me back
To nights spent miles apart
Long distance with the one I love
Empty arms missing half a heart

Sometimes we felt like “Two Ghosts”
Sometimes when you weren’t there
Sometimes we didn’t talk enough
I was left without your care

But it felt like “Home” when you returned
My cross heart melted when you arrived
Catching up on all the time we lost
An era of distance we survived

I’ve always felt this “Stubborn Love”
It cuts me deep, it heals me too
Joys, devastation, laughter, life
I’m living it with you

But as we’ve lived, at times I feel
You’ve been a “Cold Cold Man”
I’ve felt ignored, I’ve felt rejected
I have felt less than less than

When I encountered “Someone New”
It caught me solely by surprise
Somehow you supported and encouraged me
When you saw the sparkle in my eyes

This one I met was different
He came in like a “Happy Accident”
It was so easy to feel it all at once
My preoccupations up and went

My feelings for him did not begin
Because of your inattention
He woke up something inside of me
Something I forgot to mention

He made me feel new in a new way
Flow so easy, we were a “River”
Kindness and connection I can’t contain
The intoxicating alchemy of two givers

But you and I were not aligned
You didn’t realize the full extent
To which I fell into “Someone Else”
Into “Madness”, your descent

Now I am working to pick myself up
The future feels like a maybe
All of this occurred when I opened up
And that’s just “Wasteland, Baby!”

He used to go to another room
When I played my favorite songs
The piano would clash
When I got notes wrong

It turns out, though
He never told me that
He went to another room
So I could relax

He loves to hear me play
But he was giving me space
To relieve my performance pressure
So I could make mistakes

He knew I felt compelled
To be perfect in every way
He thought it would be less stressful
If he was away

All the things he never told me
The secret ways he cares
I’m slowly uncovering them
The more that he shares

You put me on low
Let me simmer alone
All day long
While you worked
Expecting I’d be ready
When you came home

You set me
And forgot me

Bon appetit