"You make me hate myself"
I am frozen
I am paralyzed
The words seep into my brain desolving it like water over cotton candy
Like a meal to starving stray pup
Like a saline knife melting rapidly in my chest
Without warning or a time for protest I begin to feel the utter devastation overflowing a cotton candy pink ooze from my pores staining your bed sheets and then your mind.
Turmoil can be felt billowing and building beneath my fingertips which lay taut and stiff against your chest as you make every attempt to collect the broken glass, to sweep it from my under my eyelids to under the rug.
An admirable but ultimately digressive goal.
Each earnest attempt to redact the words burrows them further, more tangibly into my ears,
breaking the protective barrier named ear drum to find a lovely two story home behind my eyes.
"Talk to me"
The plea itself,
though honest and resolute robs me of the ability to make a sound in any direction, specifically yours.
The spiralling despair that becomes consciousness shrieks in discerning defiance.
My thoughts mustn't be released lest to reinforce the self hatred you've gathered from my dangerously weilded words that had so carelessly danced from my tongue to your own cotton candy solution performing a passionate display of ignorance and inconsideration
How can I know which words are rotten and which words are safe for you to eat?
How can I stand and watch, in complacency or in horror, while my speech cuts you down, chipping away what fragile pieces remaining of an already bloodied but beautiful masterpiece?
How can I continue to exist in your presence at all, knowing that every heartbeat, every breath, every kiss misplaced or not could cause such a reaction?
How do I tell you that my stomach is growling and the beast of my own self hatred smiles, knowing it too has received the promise of a meal fit for an exponential growth?
I don't
Urgent expectancy hanging in the air in a thick cloud of smoke
I fumble
flounder,
Grasping for air,
For words full bodied but empty enough to satisfy and not destroy you.
A uncalculated disaster spills from my mouth,
my words limp and painfully aware that they hold no content.
This is not enough for you.
Why is it you seem crave the blade of my tongue?
I will endeavor to dull it against every rock in my heart, mind and mouth as consequence for such a heinous crime as this.
I settle on,
"I'm just sleepy"
Unsatisfaction visibly conducting your movements as you wiggle me off your chest,
The distance between our hearts becoming personified
I lay face up, making patterns in the ceiling where you would see nothing I can see marks colored in every shade of defeat.
I watch them overlap for a time
And now
The sound of your snores seep into my brain dissolving it like water over cotton candy.

Leaving situations like this to my past and to others to struggle with is never an option. It's like I force myself into the tightest corners and fastest sinking quicksand within my eye sight as some sort of life experience I can equip like tools in my utility belt. I'd like to think I don't do it on purpose but to be entirely honest, I'm not ignorant in my self proclaimed adversity, I crave it. I probably wouldnt know what to do without that ever present impending doom and self loathing. I look into strangers faces often just to imagine that the version of me they've crafted, that unknown strange rubric of myself they've weaved into reality, is the most pristine copy of myself. Oh how blissful not knowing my thoughts could be; sweet unsustainable ignorance.
I wonder if someday I can shed this ugly coat for one that shines in the sun; if change for the better is possible, I cant seem to figure out how. Lamenting seems a more suited pastime for the likes of me. Oh how I speed to sadness on the highway like my last ditch option to sanity, my life whirring past like irrelevant scenery. I watch the trees of my memories blend into one clip reel of a movie exiled to extinction. I want them to be on fire. I'd like to light then aflame