If I’d just confessed to you exactly what I feel. Exactly what I’d want. Would you be glad to know? Or would you rather have me say nothing? Change nothing and let you be? What do you want? I never know. You are so busy and so occupied. There seems to be no time for love in this life! Or no energy. I get it. Alone time is precious but so are these moments. These moments shared. But what if it’s not right? What if it won’t work? We’ll only know if we try.

But maybe you don’t care. Or maybe you’re just happy to be fine all alone. Just like the way I feel after surviving all these fights. Again and again. Exhausted. But you have to live a little too? Not just experience the pain. Maybe I can help. Or maybe I make it worse. Or both. Probably both. I’m good with that. Destroying you while turning you upside down. I’m like alcohol. Sometimes you throw me up, sometimes I’m the escape of all the misery you face…

To life,

Don’t take this as an angry note please but I’m out of this game. I won’t be scared to fail anymore. I know there will always be something not ok in here. For me that’s what it always has been like. I was called “too sensitive” or “weird” constantly. I tried to explain myself or situations in hope to make a difference. And I hope it shifted some little parts. I was always a part of something far beyond this place. The experience of life. On earth. But this game got me tired like I lived 3300 years instead of 33. I will turn 33 this February. If I make it. And if so I’m still out of the game. Because I’m following my own plan alone. No fears, no care. I’m beyond the caring about things. I will always care about people. Especially the ones who’s journeys have crossed mine and made it worth it. But this game ends for me. The challenges are over, I’m just existing here now. Making the best of it. That alone takes a lot. But that’s all I’m willing to bring to this world from now on. My best without caring so much about it being the best version. Just the version I am. And if that feels too wrong to be here I’ll be gone forever. Out of this game and out of this place for good because it doesn’t feel good. Even worse now. I’m feeling old, tired, worn out, not excited anymore. Thanks for all the things falling into place whenever they needed to. I appreciate it. I’ve noticed it. Thanks for the growth. But there’s been too much decay in me to stay here.

Sincerely,

Sharon
A.k.a Zeena and all the other versions and names before.

There’s an attic where I can go to.
And through the window peeps a new beginning maybe.

But I’ll never really be ready.
So I close my eyes.
I got nothing left to lose but no freedom.
No reason to stay.

I need a taste of that world where I’m alive.
First it kills me everytime I drink from the cup of joy.

And my dead body lies on the attic.
But it’s brought back to life by a man.
He tells me that he has a surprise for me.
And it’s just outside…

Always that man, always that drink.
Always that body dead brought back.

The eyes don’t glow.
Not here.
Not anymore.

Because this world doesn’t feel right to me.
And there’s no glowing, just freezing.

In this world there’s love, when you look deeper inside it feels like a belonging.
Are there actual words for deep feelings?
I like to try to find my way of expressing them at least.

I like to try through words, movements, sound.
I feel so distracted by noise, I feel so uncomfortable in life.
But when I think about love/belonging I feel so much emotion, realness, longing.

My thoughts can get in the way of my love, the “now”, the true desire.
Set me free, I beg you now, torturing place, prison guard, unlock the chains.
⛓️‍💥
**** the disease.
Break the bars.
Release the tension.
Come get me.
Let me out.
Spread your arms open wide.
Let me inside.
Welcome me.

New world of love and belonging, inside you and me.
Away from here where there’s noise and control and no control of your life.
I’m dying over and over just to live a little, fighting battles for some peace.

Let me let it go, let it out, get out, blow up.
Dream far.
Escape fast and stay away.
Long enough to feel so good.
To know what it’s like again to have energy, be exited about something.

Over someone.
A connection.
A place.
A new way to be.
A new name and body.
A fresh feeling.
Fulfillment, purpose, hope, belonging/love.

Time is stressful.
Limiting.
Hard to ignore.
Organizing.
We need it.
But it kills us.
It puts an end to things.
In this world.
I love that.
But I hate everything else about it.
That’s why I love that it ends itself for everyone.
Time is also limited.
Time dies.
By time of death.
Buy time, time is money.
Money can’t buy it.
It can only help to conceal it sometimes or save you time.
Making things easier and faster.
Try to make time.
For what matters.
All we got is time.
And no time.
Everything matters.
But no time for everything.
So we do the dull things.
That can’t wait.
We don’t take enough time for ourselves or we wait for someone.
Give us time today, tomorrow next weekend.
Let us take time and not let time take everything.

You have to accept what you can’t change.
And try to make your way through it.
This world can imprison you and not set you free for so long that it feels as if you died.
And you feel it so deeply it’s now a part of your journey.

The opposite of freedom.
That’s what this world can feel like.
The balance for when you are out of here.
So when you are free you know what it’s like to be stuck.
To work hard, to suffer so bad.

You know what it’s like.
And I hope it makes it all worth it then when you’re free so you enjoy it well.

When I say “everything will be ok”, I mean just for today.
I don’t mean forever and always.
I mean we’ll get through this somehow.
And it’s no fun most moments.
You have to realize.
It’s hard work.
Really hard work for just those moments of peace.
And we’re doing it.
When it goes on for too long some people get weary.
At times or forever.
For the rest of their lives, a little or a lot.
It can feel so uncomfortable.
Struggling daily.
But then when you reach a milestone in the day you can be proud, celebrate, be a boss.
Because, come on, you did it, AGAIN