Your words feel like razor blades cutting my skin
My mind is racing
“I really ******* up this time”
But no true apology

Every word pushes the blades deeper
The pain you give me
The worry you give me
The amount of guilt I feel

Every touch is like a knife through my heart
Every feel is like my skin is burning off
A drug is what you are
So addicting
Yet so painful to me
So bad for me physically
But so good for me mentally

Or are you..
The torture you put me through
Brings me flashbacks from when I was young
Watching him laugh as she beat me
Watching him hold me down so I didn’t
“Squirm”

I wanna be set free
But i want to keep you
Be better.

Let me free
Let me squirm from your grip
Please let me go
Stop holding me down

Watching her be tazed and taken down in front of me
Watching you hurt me over and over
Dragging me down further and further

My heart is ripping
My heart is dropping
Everything slowly falling

Self love gone
Confidence gone

But my love for you stays
Why?
Your acid
So painful yet can’t help but love the pain
Want it constantly yet want it to go away

Please stay
But please set me free
Find a balance in between

I need you
But I need a better version

Set me free quit stopping me from squirming..

What does the future hold for me?
I’m not sure
But I am sure of one thing
I will never be like you

The pain I feel because of you..
I will never let my kids feel
You knock me down then stab me
I never get a break

I sit in a ball crying wishing for it to stop
Wishing for the pain to stop
But it never does..
It just gets worse

I hate you
I ******* hate you.

Manipulator
Liar
Narcissist

My future doesn’t hold you in it
You are not in my future

Tho you think you are the worlds best mom
You Aren’t
You are far form it

The things you do don’t help me
You break me
You have shattered my heart into pieces
Pieces that can’t be put back together

The things you say to me
“Your selfish”
“Try harder”
“I miss the old you.”

You miss the old me?
Well your the one who killed her

The girl who loved
The girl who cared
The girl who wanted to live

She’s dead.
Because of you

I hate you
I ******* hate you

My future holds many things
But you..
You aren’t one of them
I hate you.

A year of true love
Four bouquets of flowers
Every petal slowly plummeting
Sitting in the middle of my room
How could I ever get rid of them
Especially since they’re from you.
My teenage love.

15 years of torture and love
1 blanket given to me years back
Still attached is your scent
How I miss that version of you
Maybe that’s why I hold onto it.
My once amazing dad.

The pencil scratching against the page
Words of love being written
The notes you write all together
Just like us..
I could never leave them alone.
My bag of love.

All together my room
If I’ve ever loved you your there
Attached to a wall or hidden in the closet
Your represented in some way
My 15 years of life packed into this space.

Im pleading to e noticed
For more than just my grades
I want to be heard
More Han just my anger
I’m not always angry
But I hold my emotions in so it comes out as anger..

I’m pleading to be loved
Love the way him and her are
Your words tear me apart
Do you even care?

It hurts the favoritism is clear
You favorite them as I watch silently
But when I finally explode…
I get in trouble?

You don’t care its clear
What can I do?
I only want love…
I only want fairness…

Why do you do this to me?
How can you do this to me?
I’m your first born
But you hate me?

You call me your best friend
But you pick them?

How does that work?
It doesn’t.

You could try and hide it you know…
Why do you have to throw it in my face?
As if I don’t see it everyday.

Every word you say shoots an arrow through my heart
I’m bleeding.

Do you notice?
No.
Do you care?
No.
Do you love me..?
….
No..

I sit here pleading and pleading you
I just want parental love and care…

Just friends.
That’s all we are.
I wish we could be more
But…
It’s clear we can’t

We tried once and it failed
We could probably try again
Who knows how it will end.
But for now
We’re just friends.

Your fcace
Your hair
Yourself
We wish we could be more
But..
We both know.
It wont work.

So just friends we shall stay.

I wish for love
Drowning deep in my thoughts
Wanting to die
I wish for love
Wanting to go to my room and never leave
Wanting to curl up in a ball and cry
I wish for love
Holding the blade in my hand
Holding the gun to my head
I wish for love
Standing on the edge of the bridge
Taking my last breaths
“I wish for love”

needles piercing at the skin
bruises forming from the acid
once a healthy man
once a great dad
then bruises started to form.

"daddy why are your arms purple?"
"grown up business baby"
"daddy why can I see your ribs?"
"I was born like that baby.."

but he wasn't
I look at old pictures
I miss my real dad
I haven't talked to him in years
only drugged versions of him..

"daddy I miss you..."
why cant you put the needle down
not even for the love of your daughter
"daddy come back"
"daddy I need  you"

our relationship before the needles
"I miss you daddy."
"daddy please put the needles down."


daddy I'm 15 now
I've watched you morph into a new person
a new person I don't recognize
the ac id occupying your whole body
controlling your whole world

trees that were once green
those trees are now dead
burned in the ac id you take in

"daddy I'm so excited to have a brother!"
is what a younger me would say
me now just prays
I pray daddy that you put the needle down..
for him..