Line after line after line. Bent over the cold white tile counter
Line after line. Dark side record covered in pearls of snow
Line. Rolled up $1 off an Ikea desk rails pushed together by fingers

.

Call me Miss Cleo

      I’ll read your cards
    
                  Over the phone

my last love held his gun to his head
So sweet so kind
The gun was not
Sharp trigger it went right through

Nine month old with a soon to be ex wife
My friend liked to drink
He fell down the stairs
              bled out
Alone and passed out

Under the bridge a man hit the ground
Off the side onto the rails
I watched him jump
His shoes popped off

my guardian angel
we all have one right
Mine walk with a black mist
She wears all black
Dragging the sickle, fallowing me closely
I was told she watches over you
to protect and guild
My angel is death
She keeps me still and silent
She watches and reminds
She’s not far off

My world is in the shape of a shield
Small and divided with smoothed over edges

My world is bitter
When left to dissolve
My world is better
When Taken at the same time, every morning
My world
Is like me
Bitter when left alone to dissolve
Better with some routine

My world
Fits inside a small orange bottle
On my coffee table

I’ve had a nice vacation
Living in my own happy world
Looking in on the life I had
Missing it
Craving the wild I once was
little blue shield shaped pill
One every morning
Dampen who I am
Diminish my light
Destroy the art that once was
I’m ready for the vacation to end
I miss who I was
I want to feel that freedom
I alway thought was a cage

Sometimes I wonder
If it didn’t happen the way it happened

What if it happened now not then?
Would it have turned out the way
The way we both expected it to?

Sometimes I feel like I’m made of thread
I’m sewing up my freyed parts
With the strings I’m made of

I’m trying to remember things
Help myself heal
At a party, by an unlocked car

I didn’t like being there
You followed me out expecting a kiss
Or something more because you invited me.

I didn’t want to
I wanted to go home
But in your mind
that wasn’t my choice
You wanted something
You where gonna take it.

Pushing me against the car
My hand scrambling for a way out
The back seat door was my salvation
You where fast
your face above mine
Pinned in the back seat.

You pressed your mouth on mine
Trying to squirm away
Your fingers tracing up my thigh
Into my skirt
The roof of the car was gray
Your fingers went somewhere I never wanted them to be

The roof of the car is gray
The roof of the car is gray

You where done I got out the car
walked to mine

Sweating my makeup smeared your shirt


I saw you the next week
I lost an earring in that car
You gave it back to me and said
“You left this in my car”
And smiled

Come over and get your things
I’ve cleaned out your drawer
It’s all by the door

Come get your things
I’ve already changed the sheets

White hair and freckles
5’2” glasses
Carmel brown eyes
Soft skin
She smells of warm rain in spring

How can you switch off what you felt for me?
You told me it was so deep
How do you turn it off?

Could you teach me one more thing?
Please
How do you make it stop
This aching rip in my chest

I don't know how to do it
Can't catch a break, or my breath
I'm begging how do you do it?
I want to shut this off to

When you were gone
I slept on your side of the bed

Now that it's over
I'll have to wash the sheets

You say I'm not in control of my emotions
I told you I feel everything all the time
Scale from 1-10 I'm an 8 minimum
You won't stop talking.
Tell me how well you control yours
Only because you can flip them on or off

Personally that sounds weak to me
That's not control of them
That's ignoring them
Real control is feeling them and not losing my mind, well anymore than I already have.
Real control isn't flipping them off
I'm not just in control but I have maid friends with them.

I can remember the way touch feels
I can feel you tracing my spine
I can feel the hot water from a shower

The sweet kiss of a lover on my breast
Fingertips skating down my body.

That song connected me to that night
Scolding hot water
The burning caress of burbon over my cuts
Tile so cold growing into my flesh
the pulsating water from that song

Now summer in a new place
Rocking myself into a lull
For real this time
That song cam on
Eyes closed unable to open as if cement was poured between the lids

For reals it brought me back
I felt the water
I felt the tile
I felt the steak knif
all over my arms

Every new tune I played with the strings I made from my own pelt
I felt every taste of steel
Burbon running from chin to chest splashing on my new soon to be scars

Cracking my eyes open
Small smirk on my face
Sick twist
I love every second of that memory.

You're like a wound I won't let heal
I'll pick at it till I start bleed again
Scrape around the inside
My voice will echo in the cave I have created with my own finger nails
Screaming with both delight and anguish
Root around in it more
skin crawled over the hole i have created
Let me make sure this **** stay fresh

I can't get your face out of my head
Or your hands off my body
Lips tracing one another
Softly pushing against my neck

Sun warming my face
Soft kisses from shoulder to back
Orange hair glowing in the light
Waking up with you felt right

Eyes the color of grass
Hair like fire
She was perfection lying next to me
melting me slow
Wax dripping down a the candle stick
One sweet kissed night
We burning as one
Bright and hot
Air feeding one another

Warm embers woke with the sun rise
Wrapped into  one
Our fire still burns
Just from two cities now.

It's never been so hard to walk
Like stepping thru concrete
Soles of my shoes melting into the tar
Pads of my feet growing roots
deeper with every step
I didn't want to leave any of you this time
Ripped from the desert
Now in the air
My roots grow deep

It's hot as ****
Mind floating in the sky
Drop the ink into the dish
Finishing your portrait

This place feeling like home
For one golden moment
All it's missing is 2 friends and a cat

Look me up and down
Feel me with your eyes
Taste me with your breath
Lay my  body
Cold cotton licks my back
Steel columns ground my hips
Warm tongue sculpts my thigh
first kiss
Finger tips touch lips

Bar X

Had my face stayed one
Had I not lost my job
Had I not ******
The tattoo artist

I would not have travled
Down the city
45 minutes from home
Total strangers

One night
Had my arms heavy
Without you
Vision blurred behind your glasses
One night
One week before you go

White sheets glowing in sun
You wake me
With your soft voice
You fell asleep on my belly

Day four
Three more to go
My arms will stay heavy
I'll use your flannel to keep them up

Suicide is something I think about often
Not because I'm sad
Because I hate the person you want me to be
Because I've let myself try and become that
Gripping on to the person I am
Also trying to become
what you want me to be
I can't be bother
So it's time to choose
The person I am
The person I've come to love
Or the person you want
What my family wants
Could I be both
What you want
Keep who I am really a secret
A ghost
A lie to you
It's time to choose

You drunk me out of the shower
Arms running
Got me on the bed
Dumped all the ***** out
Sharp objects boxed
Still in your car
Held you on the kitchen floor
799 miles apart
Still my girl
My ride or die
We'll share the one bed room again
Never actually apart
799 miles away close as ever
Sure you're tracking my up and down
I love you bea
I'll see you soon
We can "not cry together"
We can have the flowers rain down again
See you soon babe

I met a traveler when I was 17
He was sweet
He is my friend
Before he left he said
You're like a flower
I asked him what kind
He said a cactus flower
I was confused by, why something so prickly
He said not prickly but beautiful and strong
The last thing he said before getting in that car
If you're going to be a flower
be a cactus flower

Developing early in America is hard
A young woman with hips and *******  
you school becomes a hunting ground
"Sugar ****" yelled down the hall
Unwanted groping
Graduation

Now a woman
The calls on the street "how much for an hour"
I'm in a sun dress
Please stop
My voice now a whimper
Everyday
Every walk I take
Yell after yell

I'm sorry when you say
I miss your *****
It doesn't make me feel special
It doesn't make me laugh
It doesn't make me happy

I feel like meat
Grade A
Top choice
Marbled cut
I feel like ****.
I won't laugh
It's not funny
My body isn't a joke.

I still feel like I want to slice myself open
I've done it once
Did hurt so bad.

Hey how's it goin
I miss you so much
My best friend
Every part of my being exploding with sound
In a silent room I keep it all in
Upheavles of my chest
Filling wuth air so I may scream more silently  
Tonight I let myself miss you
My platonic life partner
Her other monther
My best friend.
tonigt I miss you
I will always love you.

I got a redo on life
I still don't like this time around

Never thought I'd be
**** shamed
Gas lit
All in 20 minutes
By an athlete

I want to feel your fingers travel my curves
One more time
I want to wake up to you looking back
All the time

I am drownding in my own head
Every grasp at air is filled with your smell
I can still taste your mouth
pouring down my throat
Compounding like rocks
Taking me deeper into my memories

Water runs over me
like your lips down my back
Coming up for air
The water has settled

until

someone
he's looks like you
I feel your hands on my thigh
Holding my body closer to your mouth
I am the only sound you hear now
You are the only one I remember
My voice howling with the night
A  symphony of melodic moans
Our bodies are in a dance
knowing each step before the next
No need for practice
The last song I will sing you
The last taste between my legs
To bad we didn't know
It could have been a grand finale.

People ask if I miss my city
My roots were not set deep enough to miss it
Growing out to my family as a child
They have shriveled from dehydration
never watered

All my lovers axed them to bits

Friendships 3 roots grown together
Them I miss

one new lover
Still budding and just inches from the surface
I will see him again
We will see how deep our roots grow together before they part ways
799 miles away.

I don't even know how to say it anymore
I though I had clicked with others
But not like this
You are
Something else

I want two kids
Twins, I can have those
In passing I told you
Wide eyed you said that's all I want
A house, small, with twins
10 years seporated us

799 miles
now between us
With us
A small house with twins