You start with a puny piece of metal. You would think its crazy that this control over you but it does. You put it to your skin with your heart racing. Thoughts start to flood your mind. At first you press lightly making a pretty red line. Not enough. You put your blade over the crimson line and press again. Not enough. You press again working up the courage to press harder. Not enough. You slice and you slice till you get to it. The vein. One more cut. You feel faint but decide its time. Blood starts flowing. Your heart is racing. Thoughts flood your head. You hold on for dear life. You realise you have been screaming this whole time. Your sister runs in seeing the blood and you on the floor. Red Everywhere. No way to stop it so you let go. Your horrible thoughts stop. Your sisters calls for help stop. Your heavy breathing stops. Your racing heart. Stops. Everything stops.

You have had a hard day. You decide to go to the beach to relax.
When you get there you only feel worse because it's empty. It's cold and rainy. You start to think. You think about your boyfriend who wanted nothing but money and *** from you. You think about your best friend and how he molested you. You think about your brother and how he told you to **** yourself. You start to feel worse and worse. You don't know what to do. You try to distract yourself. You count the number of cinder blocks on the dock. You notice one is loose. You get and walk over to it. You try to pull it out. Its stuck. You wiggle it a bit more and it pulls out. It's heavy. You end up dropping it in the sand its so heavy. You think about how your life *****. You think about the kid at school who called you fat. Then you start to think more about how your brother told you to **** yourself. You think enough is enough. You pick up the cinder block and you walk to the end of the long dock. There is a short rope tied to the dock probably from a boat. You try to untie it. After untieing it for over twenty minutes you finally get it loose. Short but long enough to do the job. You tie one end to a cinder block but it falls off immediately. Then you try copying the knot you just untied. You pick it up and it stays. You put down the cinder block on the end of the dock. You take off your shoes and sit next to it. You let out a sigh. You take the other end of the scratchy rope and tie it around your ankle. You pick up the cinder block and put it on your lap. You start to get scared. Your breath is heavy. Your heart is racing. You stand up with the cinder block in your hands. You think this is it. You take a calming breath. The cinder block seems to feel lighter. You make the decision. You throw the cinder block with all your might and when you do you immediately feel regret. You realize this was not supposed to be your ending. When the block falls it jerks you toward the water breaking your ankle and scratches your back on the dock. When you crash into the water it is so cold it feels like a thousand tiny little knives. You scream on instinct only to realize no one can hear you. You ankle feels so swollen and full of pain. As you slowly drift to the bottom of the lake you scream and flail your arms trying to get to your ankle to untie it. You cant reach. Your almost out of breath. Your heart is racing. Everything hurts. You need to breathe so bad. You have no choice. You breathe in the water. It burns. It burns your nose. It burns your throat. It burns your lungs. Everything hurts worse and worse. You start to lose consciousness. Your vision is blurry. Everything burns. Everything hurts. Then the pain is gone for good.

You have had a hard day. You decide to go to the beach to relax.
When you get there you only feel worse because it's empty. It's cold and rainy. You start to think. You think about your boyfriend who wanted nothing but money and *** from you. You think about your best friend and how he molested you. You think about your brother and how he told you to **** yourself. You start to feel worse and worse. You don't know what to do. You try to distract yourself. You count the number of cinder blocks on the dock. You notice one is loose. You get and walk over to it. You try to pull it out. Its stuck. You wiggle it a bit more and it pulls out. It's heavy. You end up dropping it in the sand its so heavy. You think about how your life *****. You think about the kid at school who called you fat. Then you start to think more about how your brother told you to **** yourself. You think enough is enough. You pick up the cinder block and you walk to the end of the long dock. There is a short rope tied to the dock probably from a boat. You try to untie it. After untieing it for over twenty minutes you finally get it loose. Short but long enough to do the job. You tie one end to a cinder block but it falls off immediately. Then you try copying the knot you just untied. You pick it up and it stays. You put down the cinder block on the end of the dock. You take off your shoes and sit next to it. You let out a sigh. You take the other end of the scratchy rope and tie it around your ankle. You pick up the cinder block and put it on your lap. You start to get scared. Your breath is heavy. Your heart is racing. You stand up with the cinder block in your hands. You think this is it. You take a calming breath. The cinder block seems to feel lighter. You make the decision. You throw the cinder block with all your might and when you do you immediately feel regret. You realize this was not supposed to be your ending. When the block falls it jerks you toward the water breaking your ankle and scratches your back on the dock. When you crash into the water it is so cold it feels like a thousand tiny little knives. You scream on instinct only to realize no one can hear you. You ankle feels so swollen and full of pain. As you slowly drift to the bottom of the lake you scream and flail your arms trying to get to your ankle to untie it. You cant reach. Your almost out of breath. Your heart is racing. Everything hurts. You need to breathe so bad. You have no choice. You breathe in the water. It burns. It burns your nose. It burns your throat. It burns your lungs. Everything hurts worse and worse. You start to lose consciousness. Your vision is blurry. Everything burns. Everything hurts. Then the pain is gone for good.

Long day.
Hard day.
Bad day.
You think on the way home from school or work that you will feel better when you get home. You drive down the street and start to think. You think about how your life is ****. You think about how you have told yourself your whole life that it will be better soon. You think about how soon is now and its not better. You think about what to do. Your choices are limited to you but you already seem to know your choice. You walk into your house and walk upstairs into your room. You look in your closet. The rope is still there from when you were moving. You grab it. You throw your bag on the floor. You walk to your bed and sit down. You try to tie different knots and realise you fail at that to. You end up googleing how to tie the knot. You struggle for a few minutes but you tie a noose. You tie the other end to the bar on the ceiling of you closet. You go to the bathroom and grab the stool your little sister uses to reach the sink. You put the stool underneath the rope swaying in your closet. You step up onto the stool. The noose sways on front of you. You grab the knotted rope and slip it over your head. You tighten it. Your heart starts beating faster. Your breath gets heavier. Your thoughts start racing. You feel like you cant breathe. You think to yourself its now or never. You make the decision. You jump and kick the stool back. Your neck didnt break immediately so you struggle. You cant breathe. You have so much pressure on your kneck. You cant breathe. Your back hurts. You cant breathe. Your kneck feels bruised. You cant breathe.  You sit there with your arms flailing everywhere. You cant breathe. You decide to quit struggling. You calm yourself. You close your eyes. You let go.

Im done caring.
Im done with school.
Im done with homework.
Im done with the foster system.
Im done with my brother.
Im done with my mom.
Im done with my dad.
Im done with teachers.
Im done with no self harm.
Im done with trying.
Im done with life.
Everything is **** and nothing is getting better.

life asked death "why do people love me but hate you? Why do those with depression see it differently?" Death responded "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth, but for those with depression they realize the lie and see me as an escape"