It was because I'd known you for years & years
Because we'd always had a tension,
Because maybe when we were young it was hatred
But as we grew older certainly it was chemistry

We kissed in the club a little and you invited me home
I knew what I was doing
You, if anyone, you could cure me!

You were to be my second
To me it meant something
Not everything, but something
Maybe closure, maybe clarity on my sexuality
I trusted you

As we walked you quizzed me on contraception
I felt so immature
You seemed to know everything, more about women than I knew
I felt stupid, and unsure and I ignored my flags because I knew you
The survey about the pill etc 
I imagined you were being cautious, caring even
But in truth it felt transactional, systematic - just your usual checklist for women

You gave me 2 options
2 options, and no more kisses
No touches at all.
I didn't understand either of the terms you presented
Rather than tell you, I chose the 'word' one rather than the number one  - 69 
You gave me my only options after my contraception quiz
You could never have known that I didn't understand - I was so inexperienced, embarrassed
I chose, I repeated your words and waited for what would happen next..........
No more kisses
It all became clear
The pain was unbearable
It lasted 3 seconds before I ended it
It really lasted 20 years.....

And then my parents, my teachers, my friends all spoke, all knew
My sister copped it at school I think
Oh but they would never know about the 3 seconds

And I can't even prove this was your fault either
Probably mine, probably that 1 friend I'd spoken to
God I wanted to hated you
Instead I hated myself
But I gave consent, to something I didn't understand
I didn't want to punish you for my silence
I was disappointed that we didn't kiss, didn't hug
Disgusting, uncomfortable but technically not abusive
It didn't mean everything, but it did mean something
I didn't feel safe, or warm - I wish you knew that

I went home
My father was in the kitchen
It was late
We credit my mother for sensing things
But dad has a strange knack for the big ones
He said very little - did something happen? Do you want to talk about it
I was too shocked, ashamed, ***** to speak, to tell my father what I had agreed to
I had agreed right?

My kind parents never asked me about it again
I guess I've left them to come to their own conclusions.
I only have my lame excuses.

The second time you brought me home
I didn't think about you
This was for me
I owned this decision
I needed this.
You were truly terrible, again no kisses no touches at all
but then so was I..... absent and angry 
But I wanted to control this, I needed to give full consent this time, to choose it
So I did
I had wanted clarity in my own sexuality, I got that too
I said yes, loudly and more soberly this time
To the normal, missionary, experiment - I set the only option!
Even if everyone else would never know, I would!
I decided. 
I joined you and left you quickly again.
I ended it again suddenly, but on MY terms
No shock, no pian, just a short & small *******

It's been 18 years
Of avoiding you
Of moving away from you or your family in cafes and bars
18 years, for 3 seconds of pain and a swift exit

Isn't this why I can never come home? 
A fine end to my childhood, to my reputation, a fine headline 
A final victory to this small town I've hated since I was 7 years old
Isn't this why I can build new relationships all over the world
But I can't look anyone from Irish small town in the eye
This became the reason they needed to talk about me
This was juicy, juicy enough to override years of good behaviour and reading at church
This gave them permission, finally.
Stuck up *****, is even more flawed than the rest of us! We always knew it!

And maybe I've no right
But I do hate you
Do my family wonder if I was easy? Did they hear it and think, she's up for anything?
In the dark, late at night, when work is hard, when I'm worrying over something
Even now
You're there
You don't deserve to be there
And you don't know you're there
You're my worst thought
And you still.......... creep
And I still feel exposed and filthy
I want to scream how I didnt know, how I fled
I want to tell my teachers the truth, my parents
I wasn't easy, I was just too innocent
Who would listen
Small towns prefer scandal, and it's so late now.

You borrowed my life for 2 years
One size too big for you, like my pjs
You spilt dough just all over it
Gave it back *****.
Hard to remove
Its unwearable, tight, restrictive
Like my pjs, more yours than my own now

Coz, its like those horror films - right?
The circle of kids, in a dark room with a flashlight each
And like theres tension, the spooky, scary kind
And the ****** kind, usually

As each say their lines the flashlight moves
To their own face, then pointing at each other
Shaking, daring.
Even in a horror movie, we find this respectful rhythm
This shining of acknowledgement
The voice & light, the light & voice, round n round until of course someone dies

We're like that, you and I. Talking in the dark, building tension, feeling scared. Kids.

Except, your flashlight is always pointing upwards, mine is always fixed on you.

No one can remember what I look like,
I have no lines, only reactions to you.
And no one can see what I see of you.
And your batteries always die, so you need me to point it at you but you're burning under my heat.
And I can't see anyone else in the dark, even when they're reaching for me.
I've died but our circle can't notice.

It been almost 2 years
Since I knew for sure
That I loved you
It was the night you played in the mountains

And since then.......
I silence rooms
I silence rooms for you, you don't ask me to
I silence them so that I can hear what you're saying
So that they can hear what you say
So that you can hear yourself

Since then.........
I split myself, into hours
You're getting up, you've been out last night
Did you make it to work?
Did you have a good day?
Was the world unfair, unkind to you again?
I right the world for you
Do you remember, I remind you how important you are
I watch for your worries, and mend them ahead of time if I can

What do you need?
I make sense of you, when you can't.
Is it space? Is it care? Is it words?
And I give that to you.

And then even though I have forgotten who I am,
you invade and own that too.
When you're sad I can't watch, how can I help? Why didn't I see it coming? I could have saved that tear in advance. I should be better. I need to do better.

If you're happy, I'm ashamed, I'm sad because maybe this time I didn't do it
Maybe this time you had time, and gave your smile to friends, to someone else
When you're happy, remember I did that? Remember I helped,
helped so that you could enjoy that? Remember I held fast to you, when you lost you and I gave you back when you were lost.

If you're happy, has someone new caught your beautiful eyes
Because you have been clear,
Sometimes the only thing you're clear on, and don't need my help with - is that it's not me
I can help, but it will never be me
I am your help, your fix,  your support - but I am not your dream

And because you didn't ask, you won't, don't remember me.
You won't remember today was hard, you won't remember work was hell, you won't remember I need some care or words.

I hold fast to you because I know you'll turn around and ask me to remind you - Who am I?
But I've held on so tight, I have slipped through my own fingers.