I heard your name today.

Well, it was someone else's name at the time
but it made me think of you nonetheless.

I hadn't heard it in a while.
One year, maybe two,
but it brought me back to
a time when I had my life
on the line and my only
saving Grace was you.

You were so young then.
So beautiful.
You made me want to be better.

But life has a funny way
of making you pay
for your mistakes, for
your pride because
it takes Everything
you have to fight back
and when it comes down
to it you're still getting
knocked out.

I thought I could handle it.
But it turns out that
Saving Grace wasn't as easy as it seemed.

Close your eyes and look around.
Take in the stars in the sky
and the grass on the ground.
Now look at me.
Can you see me now?

You say you see me.
I'm tall, handsome,
perfect in almost every way.
You're wrong.

You see me for who you want me to be.

I am broken, disheveled, lowly.
I am a servant.
I am incomplete.
I am blind.

I can hear you staring at me.
Take me in and paint me a picture
so that I can appreciate it for years to come.
Maybe it will have interesting stories to tell.

Imperfection. My face,
my body, my complexion.
A second glance and I
still fail the inspection
boy am I Ugly.
I can't think about it too
much or I get lost in a pit
of self-loathing and soon
I'll hate myself and quit
this trial, this rat race
of who wins in life.

I'm a loser trying to win
one for my parents because
they always cared more about
my future than my cause.

When they die what will
I have? A job I never wanted.
A wife I never wanted. A dog
I always wanted but find myself
resenting because it's just one
more thing that's trapping me
in this strange reality.

****.

I'm so *******.

Not to be that guy, but You
are an *******.

Unapologetic doesn't mean you're always right,
it means you're an *******.

Hands up, cry out, two hands
against one with a knife in
a fair fight? Doesn't make
sense, doesn't make you right.

Hand up on the Bible for
a while, hand down, fingers
crossed through the trial.
It's not a lie if you outsmart them
and beat them at their own game,
smile ear to ear like you're
bringing honor to the family name.

No.

Honor is a code
and once you lose it
you're locked out.
Hope you swallow your
tongue and drown
on your own fake ***
confessions, might be
a good lesson.

I cry out in waves
To the Sea, who waves back,
if only to be polite.
She's too pretty for me, anyway.

The gulls seem to be mocking me.
Their constant shrieks echo my own
in a twisted, cruel kind of way.
They swoop down, stealing food
and money. Gulls are the high
school bullies of the animal kingdom.

I'm done with self-pity.
Now I only seek pity from others.
I'm moving up in the world,
upon the back of a bully.