Whisper my name
Maybe even a little whistle
Just a signal to call me out of this haze

Be discrete
and don’t cause a scene
Please.

I don’t want the attention but I want the help
I think.

The ruin in my mind is vast and predisposed.
No strategy in its plan to self destruct.
It is not needed within my trials,
For I myself dig the holes with no help.

It’s time to grow up little girl
It’s getting real now you can’t just run and hide
Your crying will only hurt you and make you realize how weak you actually are

That big head of yours, the one that you know is actually throbbing with uncontrollable wild fear, it’s pressuring you to cry run and submiss

Oh little girl
If only you knew how much potential you would have if you could only how to stand up for yourself and be brave

What happening to your faith? you know it’s always gonna be there if you decide to relax and open your hands for once.

Angels I am back again.
Miss me?

You know I’m messing, you are probably so sick of me by now.

I’m greatful and I hope you know that.

I hope you see that I am trying
But things aren’t working out and I need your presence

Wrap your wings around me
Snuggle me whole and fill all the empty holes with everlasting love,

I need alittle extra of that tonight

Gliding through the gates of the garden
Rustling her fingertips across rows of roses
Bethany brought balance.
From her delicate arms flowed endless life
Generosity poured and beauty rebirthed.
A butterfly that actually stayed.

My Angels
Tonight is like no other
I finally piece together the reality of my imperfect world

Is it hard to be assigned to me and watch my progressing downfall?

Ya, me too.


Oh Angels
You know I love you
But you also know I’m impatient and doubtful.
More than the typical teenager experiences. Or maybe not anymore in such a generation like mine.

Please Angels,
Come sit on my pillows
Wipe my tears.
Whisper your heavenly promises into my ears over and over until I can finally fall asleep.

Finally.

We trudge on shaky waters with no smiles;
A current wild and fierce with matchless bite.
So sick from loss that lungs are filled with bile.
We fight for land, yet fall from acts of smite.
Who blames the doubt when Capt’ is far on top?
For down the deck a cry is never lone.
How easy it seems for light to scram and stop,
When darkness strides in stealing fame, the throne.
But seas do set and waves do calm with age.
We know not how, yet never ask the chief,
“How’d this befall”, or learn his truths on stage.
As life degrades, we drift against belief.
This war we face has pain that cuts to bone,
How few of minds believe the world unknown.

The endless cycle never fluctuates
It always cries like child and yells as parent
no way to crack its code or intervene
we try to slow and grab with hands too full
unable to comprehend the force against

Lola laughed.
A light liberation that could conceal her throbbing throat.
It was easy to do when most people painted her with warm wine and black blood.

I feel like walking around a crowded place
Alone of course

It must be outside with lights
And filled with people of all ages
Dogs too of course

I will put in my songs of sorrow and regret
It will make people glance and wonder
But it will entrance me with such an illusion, that of course, I must be happier.

As the door starts to swing closed
And the sun is about to depart
I close my eyes and reminisce in it’s lasting warmth

I reach my hand
In efforts to preserve
The only light I had left
But that too had to go

I’ll remeber the vivid lights that blurred into sweet complacency
The way the clouds cover all the blinding spots
So that I was never harmed

like the curtains covering the windows
I am blinded to the magic
The joy I once knew

Alas I am here
Alone
All bye myself

Like the nightmares I’ve hidden
Lodged deep and splintering my soul

I give up
I let free
I undo all that ties me down

Acceptance

All alone
Alas that it’s the end
Bye

Softly close eyes
Before they rupture

They may dance inside your head
And beg to come out
But whatever you do
Don’t open.

Because if you do
People will notice
People will “care”

It’s too far gone for that.

Im sorry
Im sorry but their eyes are still closed too.
Does that make you feel better?

Binded by our blindness
It couldn’t get any worse

I come to you
Closed hands
Shaking

But you can still see what I tried to hide seeping out through my cracks

I have holes that can never be filled
So in that way
I am open-handed

But unwillingly.

I’m not sure I make sense anymore
Should I just stop taking

You try to calm my shaking hands
But you will never understand I can’t
Or I’m afraid to and you see that

What would happen if i let you see?

You promise to accept me
To forgive me now and in the future for my ways
But it’s not that simple

My hands are open
And closed
Entirely out of my control

Push one button and I’ll drop dead or spring alive

It’s all relatively shakey

Beautifully composed
I sit and wallow
In the absence of you
The painfully cold air that consumes me
Surrounds my every thought and movement

With every glance I am rewarded a lash
To my back
To my heart
In my gut
My eyes
My throat

Consumes me whole until I myself become the weapon
And I start to lash on my own time with my own reasons

And I don’t need to see you anymore
Because your presence stings for a while
Like an phantom limb

Hi !

Do you feel like talking today
Do you care about me now
Have I crossed your mind even once

It’s ok

I know you are busy
My bad for bugging you
Just act like this never happened

See you.

Like the grass after it rains
Or the mountains when it snows
You renew me
Or you trap me
I’m not sure which is is
Or I’m afraid to admit the truth

There is so much excitement when you are near
Eagerness for your presence pushes all things aside
Good and bad
Real and real

You are not a myth or a ledgend in my story
You are a special guest that comes once in a while and changes everything
But our story together was never written and I was never informed
Or I ignored it

Thinking I could change what was set
Thinking you could wash away what ate  me up inside with when really you put a lid to it
You trapped my fear between us and smothered it whole
It had no space to breathe
But it was close enough to feel your presence
So it stays there painfully with no where to run

A painful unrequited love

What I miss most?

I’m not sure
Could it be eyes that talk
With not sparkles nor diamonds but with deep colors that blend with mine
a pool of warm honey
No, it’s not that perfect

With cold hard reality
We would struggle together
And our problems would fade like the lights when driving in a fast car
A fast car we could control with our love

I miss that
I’d miss that

Tamara sat toes strung to sea
Her haggard head hung high
Not by want. With bewildered noticeably

Outstretched hands opened hopelessly
Wounds concealed without concern
The sand fueled the savage feeling

Lying down to lather in deplored thoughts,
Ones too personal to occlude

Time was lost within Tamara
Tamara was lost within time

Lost within the waves
The sand
The sun
And everything in between that drove her insane

My car ran out of gas
I saw the signal flashing at me for days  but there was nothing I could do
I was on a long and empty rode
No rest stops

My windows were fogged
All of them except the rear view mirror
Isn’t that convenient
Blinded trust is all I had
No clue to where I was heading

The radio was broken
Just when I started learning the lyrics
The channel would jump to another
Stopping at sad tunes and skipping over the happy

After a while of sitting there
I got out of the car and began to walk

I walked and walked for days until
I reached a town full of endless possibilities
But when ready to start my new life
I had realized I had left my identification in the car on the border of the past

Stuck in my car
Unobtainable
And forever at my loss