A year and Nine months ago today.
The world I knew was torn from my grasp.
I no longer knew who I was.
And who i still am.
And it's not easy to get over
The man who fingered me
As if to scoop out cantaloupe seeds
Aggressive
Forcefully
And i try to understand why it still affects me
Why i can still feel him through all this time.
All this ******* time.
He told me he loved me
That no one could ever replace me
I was unique.
But honey laid on his lips
A sweetness
To mask the bitterness he had hidden
A bitterness i could never see.
To this day
I don't know who i am.
I only know my name.

Depression,
A lot like skydiving.
You take the jump,
Breathe in the adrenaline rush
As you head towards the vast plains
We call the grounds.
You see a grid of the world below you
The grasses and trees beneath your very being
You rush towards death.
You reach to pull the string
The lifesaver
The parachute
Being the idea of hope
However it does not open
It does not save you
As you hit the pavement
With brute force and feel your body,
Your heart
Scatter into pieces
Remnants
You cannot put back together
Without hurting yourself first.

Oh goodness here you are again
Lurking be beneath the surface of my skin
Always there when I need you the least
Like karma, like me
You broke me and tore me
You are the starless and darkest nights
You are the shadow that followed me around
You are the demon that taunted me when I was alone
So here you are again
Sitting beside me as I write
Whispering silent nothings into my ears
My pain, my fears
You were screaming and begging
For me to allow you in
Saying you wouldn’t hurt me
But guess what…. You did.
I cried and you sat beside me
I tried to look to the light and you swallowed me whole
You want me dead
You’re in my head
And as I lay in bed
All you said
“Hey girl, look at you, broken and tired, there’s only one thing to do”
But HEY DEPRESSION
Look at me!
I’m finding light against your darkness
I’m finding stars in your black sky
And hey look at that, my shadow is me!
You are a creation in my mind
And my mind is my sanctuary
You’ll soon be a ghost
Right now you’re just a memory
But I know you’ll come back just like night and day
And sure you’re the night
But I’m stronger now
And I’m not afraid of the dark
So hey Depression
From here on out, you no longer look down on me.

I thought that when I saw you,
I thought it was love at first sight,
But I was wrong.
It was youth and hormones,
Which brought you to lies,
And destruction of us.
And for that ,
You will never be forgiven.
But I want to forgive you,
To hold you and tell you its okay.
I thought that when I saw you,
I felt danger rise from the pit of my stomach,
and it told me to step away,
I didn't fall for you,
You pushed me.

You sang sweet
Songs under
Starry skies
And sweet love ties
I fell for you.
Your brilliant smile
So sadistic but
Hiding secrets
I could not discover
So undercover
Behind your disguise
And all your lies
I’ve found you.
Your bittersweet lips
And hands on my hips
You traced with your fingertips
The dips
In my back and all that i lack
You sang sweet
Songs.

he said,
lets not die
but say we did
and beneath those words he hid-
the lies and pain
and chuckled as though a kid-
who hurt the girl, he did
and flowers and moonlight
and money he bid
a goodnight
to the girl he hid.

She sat with her head down low
and thought of how this should go
how she would look at him and say
how she loved him from May to May
and how she put her heart in his hands
and he dropped it in the beachy sands
buried for another to find
lost forever and said to be divine
a story of the girl
who loved a boy as though he was the world
and the boy was a torn stitch
unprepared to take the pitch
and its funny how love works
and the pain behind it lurks
as though a wolf in a sheeps skin
she said his love for her was too thin.
so she moved on and found a new home
in her heart and mind she made a dome
and promised to love herself in ways
he couldn't seem to love her in days.

I never thought id see the day
when id have to stand in front of you and say
how hurt I am, I felt betrayed
don't tell me you love me
my heart decayed.
I cried and screamed
and sometimes dreamed
of dancing with you,
to good, it seemed.
I sat in my room
my heart consumed
by the swelling pain
of a thing I assumed.
You lay with another
to careless to bother
of the girl who gave you
her heart to ponder.