I found my problem.
I want to wait for love
   because I've been traumatized.
The one time I came close
   I was blind sided.
All the little things in life add up as I keep them inside.
I realize why I was mad at him.
He gave my number to another guy.
But that's how the first round began.
I start talking to them everyday,
   innocent enough.
But having someone to talk to is enough.
   i grow dependent on that listening ear,
      on the one that is there when no one seems to be.
When he gave out my number it provided an opportunity to fall again.
But this one is worse
   and he isn't afraid to hide it.
Help me save me from myself
   before I fall again
      before I break again.

Little did I know what waited beneath the surface,
The molten lava that boiled underneath my skin.
At the first threatening move I burst.
   I lashed out,
      burning,
         causing irreversible damage.
I was full of rage,
What caused me to erupt shouldn't have,
there were just so many things
   all little but none big enough,
      until the scale was tipped.
I can never take back what I said
   and I can never repair the damage done.
Maybe if he forgives me,
I can eventually learn to forgive myself.

There is a dagger
                 in my side
I don't know who put it there
   but everyday it gets knocked in a little deeper
I think i might have placed the dagger
   with my want to be accepted
But i am not the one forcing it farther
   I know people don't mean to
      but they are the ones driving it in
Many of them I do not know
   but some how it all hurts me
I want to feel wanted
   like i am needed
I know that people care
  but i am blind enough to not see
I have convinced myself into thinking things
   I do not believe
I placed the dagger in a spot, subconsciously
   But it will slowly **** me
I just want people to see me
  to want me
      to treasure me
          to not be able to continue without me
Even things as simple as the number of people who read my poems
     when people  listen to my words
Because of this dagger the little things hurt
   every comment or silent stare
      every look and every whisper
I want people to need me
   just as simple as that
But the problem is I have caused too much damage
      but i don't let people see
            so no one thinks i need it
                 but i am human and i need help
The things that hurt  the most
      are the people that i let close
           because they hurt the worst
              Unknowing they blunder about throwing comments
                   not knowing the final destination of their words
                        the impact it creates
                            the distance it drives the dagger
One of these days
       It will be in so far
            It is irremovable
hopefully someone will see the pain behind this mask
    the mask i don't want to wear

On the outside i am cool and collected
   I am secure and self-confident
      I am mature and encouraging
But what people do not see
       the inside of me
  The colder parts
      the crumbling parts
I am insecure, explosive
    I don't let people see
        The hurt inside of me
I search daily for acceptance
   even though i know none will be found
I want people to see
   the inside of me
  But no one cares to look
      yet i am an open book
         but only to those willing to look
                                        willing to pry my pages loose
No one has made it far
   they gain my trust
      by opening the cover
    But by the second line
         I am left open
             exposed to the cold air
                  that they had once accompanied
Now i shiver and scream
    From even the lightest touch
      I have so much to tell
         But who ever cared anyways

I am so used to reading about love,
   You know both sides,
       How they both learned to love the other,
I am so used to knowing both thoughts,
   but now i am tortured
            only knowing one
It scares me
   I suddenly went from two sides
                 down to one
My thoughts run around
   not letting me forget,
      I have fallen,
                  fallen hard
I can't get up
   It holds me down
The why's
   the unknowns
I feel like i am only looking at half the puzzle
   with no way to see the other side
Books can tell you
   But my life isn't a story
      at least not one written down

They feel Betrayed

Their Queen,
       Their Leader,
                          left

She complained that the people were rude.
     It wasn't her old friends
         but the new ones she brought in.
Two girls,
         My friend and I,
                   Joined one other girl
                                 as we entered her domain
She welcomed us with open arms
                but then she chose the best
Somehow I slowly slipped out of her equation
        I was being dismissed
               As I clung on for dear life
                                                  I saw it
All her friends,
      guys,
were under her control
But she forgot about their free will
As I tried to get back up
    She saw them acknowledge me.

When she left on two days of business they turned
    They reached down and pulled me up,
           They let me stay,
                           But why?
I didn't see it
    I was quiet,
                 reserved
Never said much
     She was cold to me
        Why was I still here?
           but they embraced me
              Her pets wandered away
                  farther then she wanted them.
On Her return,
                  She left.
Her kingdom perfect,
       She left for something bigger.
She had them all wrapped around her fingers
                  they were Hers to control.
        No one dared to go against her.
The questions she left behind
               The "Why's"
                    went unanswered
A kingdom Queenless
   We trudged on
       trying to survive

They felt Betrayed.

I felt their accusations
       But I swear
             I didn't try
A Queen belongs on her throne
           Not chasing fame.
She may not have liked me
     but is that a reason to knock her down?

I claim innocence
   I didn't drive her away!
Is it really my fault?
    What did I do?
No I didn't try to decrown
                                 your Queen!
Someone will eventually rise to take her place,
    no one will fully fill the hole,
            only she could truly fill it.
No I do not want Her throne,
       It was never my intention.
Truly we need her back,
             What we need is,
                            *Only Ava

Lonely, Wandering, Watching,
Yearning for the warmth of a smile,
isolated from dreams,
they wander aimlessly among nothing,
searching for an unseen light,
going the only direction possible,
                                               Forward,
Cloaked in the black of sorrow,
an unforgiving glance freezes the soul,
they yearn for friendship
           but are scared of the light,
drifting through time,
                              they go,
wanting
      wishing for more,
like a bee
     they follow the wind
like tears of tomorrow
     they shift unseen
            moving without motion
they scatter at a flicker,
      they twitch at a spark,
they move
      but are motionless,
they see
      but yet are blind,
they hear
      but never learn,
they smell
      but never recognize,
they taste
      but never satisfy.
They wander aimlessly among nothing,
     darkness swallows its prey whole.

They boil up inside
   unable to escape
I want to scream
   I want to run
      run from my emotions
         my feelings
I feel as if I am suppressing them
   but the problem is
      I have no problems
Everyone writes about
   loss
        love
              death
                      mourn­ing
That is my problem
   I have never
      lost
         loved
            no one has died
               or mourned of my own
That is it
   I am surrounded
      by those screaming for help
         those suffering heart ache
but I sit here
   thinking thoughts that are not my own
                   I want to scream

I have this bubble
   ready to burst,
I need to tell someone
   but what is there to tell...
I have nothing to say,
   no confession to make,
      no promise to break...
Just an overwhelming hole,
   a hole that gets bigger
      with every passing moment...
I feel depressed but about what?
   There is nothing wrong,
      no lover or broken heart,
         no loss, death or mourning...
                                                     ­    But if so why is there a hole...
Why can I write poems that speak of things beyond me....

I want to *scream...

I feel the line
an unseen connection
it pulls me closer
   into the unknown
There is an emptiness
   in which the line gets wound
      the closer I get
         the fuller I become
If I step back
   away from you
      I unravel
         the hole grows
Someday I will find you
   and you will never leave my side
      the longing hole in me
         will be gone
            all wound up

Darling Dear,
   are the words I want to hear
Come my love,
   Are the words I yearn to notice
Hold me, Hug me, Kiss me,
    Laught with me, Join Me
      these are the words my heart longs to be called

Something Sweet

Something Hidden

Something Free

Something *Love

Hopeless
   the days drag on
      getting *slower and slower

No drive
No reason
    to get out of bed

Did they human race
    really evolve out of mud?

If so,
   What was the purpose?
   Why?
   It doesn't make sense
      *Why do we live if there
           is nothing to live for?

I say no
My mind says yes
My heart says wait

Don't be to eager
   it will come

Do not go and search it out
   let it come freely

We all may dream
   but to live a dream
      is to chase
          Chase love
          Chase glory
          Chase tomorrow
          Chase to no end
Given the chance we would run
   But stay
      *Let it come in time

Love
We all want it
Very few of us get it

We are tantalized
We think we have it
   until it is gone
      stolen by life

It seems a pattern is set
One that cannot be broken
Inescapable by man
   So you wait
   Wait for him
   Wait for her
   Wait for love
Your patience runs thin
   about to give up
      you become desperate
         lowering your standards
            until you are tossed to the side
               no one wants used love
But then one sees
   cleans you up
      returns you to life
Grab them
Grab love
   *before they leave