always different
against
awry
your whole life is upside-down
and where it has led you

can you even recognise
the old places
these few friends who were with you even when you couldn’t have stood them anymore

I can feel the aura of pride around you
but why
why being proud when there’s no one around you
you are left alone
and the anxiety is not helping

your muscles are sore
and you can’t walk any longer
the sun is really heavy
not allowing you to enjoy the break
what is the destination by the way?
have you thought about what you’d like to see?
for instance

the light breeze
playing with your hair
feeling at peace with every creature on the earth
hey girl
everyone loves you
there is no need for crying

but for now
wake up
it’s time to move on

Asking myself
What is love
Is like asking somebody else
If they know what the universe looks like

I am believing more and more
I shall never experience
What is like to be loved

By someone who did not create me

but how hard it is for you actually
being there
stop to reflect
and run away as fast as you can
how hard is it?
to go forward
instead of going back

you are a good girl
you are not a bad girl
you may be different
or you may be the most normal person in the whole world
you choose

so
is it really that hard for you?
to take the step and see what is on the other side
reject all the nonsense
you have experienced before
and come back
go to this bad boy you have always been dreaming about

but I dare you to never look back
and do not look for love anymore
because there will be no any
your choice remains forever
and you must learn to live
as if there was never anything else

I have learned that
when the wind is blowing
the river is disturbed
when the darkness is coming
no life can grow
and I have learned it the hard way

I have learned that
when the sky is calm
so is the river
when the light crawls upon
any life can rise along
and I have learned it the long way

What comes has to go
What goes has to come
back

water
the only liquid you your body can accept
now
nothing else matters
they say don’t forget to hydrate yourself
can you see the point in it?
**** health

waking up in the morning has become your biggest nightmare
even worse than those when you asleep
you have hard times differentiating between
two realities
at the moment you just want to vanish
not only because nothing’s working out

it’s just again there is no breakfast
no meal that could calm your stomach
after all there is no difference
next you will light a first cigarette today
this should help
is there any other purpose of smoking?

and now the most important decision awaits
go with your guts
or follow the usual pace of another usual day

I don’t know
am I even trying to rethink it?
or is it the void of what it could be
what it could have been

because remember that
the life you chose is already done
the fate has been completed
and you have done all you possibly could

are you still there?
waiting for another round
nervously playing with fingers
you feel edgy
and it is a good thing
you are on the edge
of good manners

the whole ‘adventure’ as you would call it
is not even a reality
how can you know if it is all true
when there is no one around

aren’t there suppose to be like a mass?
a great group of people
who comment your every move your every breath
maybe this particular life
this odd scenario of improper situations
has never been used

and yet there you are
enthusiastically looking out for the sign to start
to begin with a grand gesture
the one and only life you have to live

you try
and it’s good
keep trying to be better
to stand up for what is right
at least in your view

do things that you’ve always wanted to
just imagine
being finally in the right place at the right time
finally becoming who you desired to be

but what is it exactly?
you’ve heard this sentence so many times already
and still it sounds strange
who
you
are

the strong sunlights are spoiling your hair
and you just came out from the hairdresser
to look as close as you can as the Hollywood start
you recognise these people who don’t care
about looks as much as you do
and somehow you wish you could be them
after one day you’d hate it
begging to come back to your previous state

how did you become so bitter?
where have your positivity gone?
or perhaps
there was none of it
ever

all of this was just a illusion
cliche
a piece of photograph that everyone loves to look at

I did not expect it
no one did
that you would even show up here
tonight
with such a big smile on your face

what did make you so happy?
is it the fact that the end is coming?
the final relief that could finish you
using extremely painful force
it would easily put you on the floor, I bet

but yet
you’re standing here
smiling and nodding agreeably to people around you
even your dress seems decent
so after all you have decided on this short one
well, I can’t say
your legs are looking really good
seems like you’ve started working out again

all the sweat of yesterday
had been washed out with warm stream of water
you were waiting for this moment for a long time
admit it
there is nothing better
than the process of liberation from all hands that have touched yours during the long day of pretending

the cafe is packed
people come and go
just like in real life - she thinks -
they order wait eventually get what is theirs

so greedy

don’t blame them
they do what they can best
getting up
brushing their teeth
and making a stand
every
day

and you
what have you been doing?
sitting here like everything is right
how is supposed to be
no flaw
stain
taint
hole
that would **** you in

a black black hole
that would end all of your sorriness
this luckless weeping
at nights
That no one knows about

you have everything

in me

black and white
dark and light
night and day
life and death

slowly
experience it

in me

It was so close
To let go and never coming back
To those who would call themselves
Heroes
Survived ones

Thinking if
My old self would be proud
Of me
Different light
New perspective

I am here
Drinking black coffee
And actually enjoying it
Stains of a lipstick
Even my hair is washed

I did it
I had enough strength
To get up and be here

We talk all the time
when we’re laying in my bed
looking in each other eyes

You always laugh
when I say something funny
and I feel like I am falling apart

We talk all the time
when we're on our way
to the market
to buy fresh vegetables and fruits

I once saw a smashed peach there
on the ground
and I did not know what to do

We talk all the time
when we're listening
to our favorite band

Sometimes I hear nothing
and the music’s playing
I get scared

We have never met
even when we almost did
in the past, at that party

I keep thinking about it
and it makes me smile
for we still have a chance