Dear Adam,
We have gone from seeing each other every day to not seeing each other for months. From only being 20 miles away from you to being 1,570 miles away from you. From sleeping next to you pretty much every night to sleeping next to an empty space, always waiting for you. From being each others best friend to being each others biggest enemy.
We have been through it all, together.

We've gone through stages of pure bliss. Where seeing you all day everyday isn't enough. Where I can't kiss you enough or show my appreciation to you enough. To going through stages of constant fighting. Where everything you say or do is wrong.
We have gone through it all, together.

We have survived you leaving. Those 8 long weeks of only being able to write while you were at basic. We have survived through countless arguments. We have survived the heartache of missing someone so much for so long. We have survived all the bad memories from my past and all of my anxiety attacks. We have survived through my stages of depression. Where I can barely get myself to get up and get out of bed.
We have survived it all, together.

I know that I am not perfect and that neither are you. But I believe that together, everything is perfectly imperfect. I believe that together we can make it through anything that life decides to throw our way. I believe that together we are stronger than anything else in this world. I believe in us.
Because together, we are perfect.

Our last few days were filled with so much bliss
But now I sit here just wishing for one more kiss
You packed your things and walked away
Only turning back to tell me to stay

Now you are there and I am here
I’m all alone and drowning in fear
But every time I try to talk
People just sit there and gawk

How can she be so selfish they ask
She doesn’t have to fulfill such a big task
“What about him” they all agree
But no one seems to bother to ask what about me

You left everything behind
After that contract was signed
Now you do what they say
Knowing they won’t lead you astray

You paid a huge price
Just to try and give us a better life
All people see
Are the sacrifices you made for me

“What about him” they all agree
And again everyone forgets... what about me

I gave you my heart
But that was just the start
I gave you my all
I told you I was in it for the long haul

But now I am all alone
Only able to talk to you through the phone
I try my best to make things easy for us
Trying not to make a big fuss

But I am expected to do whatever you say
Like there is no other way
And I am supposed to blindly follow every decision you make
No matter what is at stake
They all want you to be happy
Without me getting snappy
They look at me like I hold you back
Or like I am going to throw your whole life off track

I just want to do what is best
And forget all of the rest
But I get no say
So it doesn’t matter anyway

I’m stuck here
Feeling broken and insecure
Just trying to be ok
So that everyone else can go on with their day

“What about him” they all agree
But this time I ask

“What about me?”

You touched me when I didn’t want you to
And I was so young I didn’t know what to do
It was your own personal game
Even though it filled me with shame
I let it go on, maybe for a little too long
Until I started to feel like I didn’t belong
I shut myself out from the world
And sat alone while my thoughts whirled
Through my head, until I couldn’t stand
To look at myself without feeling like I was under your command

That was when everything started to go downhill
And I began to start losing my will
With all the emotions pulling me apart
I could feel them begin to break my heart
I could feel myself starting to drown in pain
And it made me go insane

Why did I feel so much guilt?
It was making my self-confidence wilt
Why did I feel so sad?
Maybe because he was always like my second dad
Why did I feel so insecure?
Maybe because of what I had to endure
Why did I feel so alone?
Maybe because no one else had known
Why did I feel so angry?
After all, I was finally free

Or so I thought at least
But instead, it was like the pain just increased
And I was back to square one
Which was thinking about what he had done
And asking myself why
I mean for years we all thought he was a good guy

Then came the nightmares
And nothing else compares
To the way they made me feel
Because it was always so surreal
Like I was reliving the day
When all I wanted was for it to go away

Why won’t the pain go away?
But instead, it decides to stay
I mean what did I do
To deserve what you put me through?

Maybe I will never know
But I do know that I will grow
Through everything you did
Because god forbid
I let another day go by
Of me sitting in my room trying not to cry
Because I am done
Letting myself feel like you won

“What’s wrong?”

What’s wrong is that I can feel myself slipping
Into that deep, dark place again.
I want to tell someone
So I don’t have to face it alone,
But I feel like I am just wasting their time.
I am starting to feel hatred towards myself,
And I can’t even look at my own reflection anymore.
I feel as if I am on an emotional rollercoaster.
One minute I am happy, then sad, then mad
Until now because I just feel numb.
I am exhausted,
And it is the kind of exhaustion that not even sleep can fix.
I am tired of trying.
I am tired of life.

“Nothing I’m fine, just tired I guess”

What is your escape?

Maybe it is writing all the words out on a page
The ones that haunt your thoughts
And hurt too much to say out loud

Maybe it is drawing your dreams on a canvas
Taking the faces and monsters from inside
And letting them escape with the flick of a brush

Maybe it is running far away from your reality
Feeling the sweat drip down your face
As you leave everything that once was, behind

Maybe it is singing all your hearts desires
Hearing the notes take on a life of their own
As they drown out all of your worries

Maybe it is dancing to the beat of your own drum
Feeling your body tell its own story
And changing the ending so it is yours

This world is full of
Hate, rage, dishonesty, and prejudice
Just to name a few

But it is also full of
Love, kindness, hope, and respect
Too

The world has its’ own reality
And it is up to you to decide
If the worlds’ reality will be yours too

Everyone needs to escape from the world
Taking the time to think about no one
But yourself

Is it selfish?
Yes but in order to show compassion
One must first learn to be selfish for the right reasons


So take the time to love yourself
So you can learn to love other people too
And tell me

What is your escape?

Anxiety
I wish it would go away
But instead it decides to stay…

You feel your pulse race
You try find a safe place
To curl up and cry
Because all you want is to fly
Away so no one has to see
How unhappy you may be

You walk into the room
Someone asks “hey how you doing?”
You start some small talk,
but to your shock
You get irritated over something small
Uh oh, here starts your downfall

You lay down and try to sleep
But don’t worry, it won’t be deep
Your mind will start to run
It’ll make sure to have fun
While it tears you apart
And rips out your heart

You try make new friends
Maybe even tie up other loose odds and ends
But you let your mask slip
And start to lose your grip
They think you are mad
But really you’re just sad
You try to explain
But it turns out vain

You start some meds
Because everyone says
Your mind is unstable
And if you take these you might be able
To start on a new path
That won’t leave you a bloodbath

You start to feel empty
And think “why has everyone left me”
You feel all alone
Like you’ve been thrown
Aside and forgotten
Like something that's gone rotten

You begin to wonder
As you start to go under
Why you feel the way you do
If only you knew
There is a variety
Of ways to be attacked by anxiety.

Love is Never as it Seems

If you love, I hope you see
Not everything is as it’s made out to be.

If you love, I hope you hurt
Because that’s what you get for being a flirt.

If you love, I hope you feel pain
Maybe next time you’ll use your brain.

If you love, I hope you’re strong
Because no matter what you’ll always be wrong.

If you love, I hope you hear
When I say people disappear.

If you love, I hope you learn
People will let you crash and burn.

If you love, I hope you know
There’s not much worse you can undergo.  

If you love, I hope your tears stream
Because love is never as it seems.

Depression
It’s lurking in the shadows
You slip into its’ clutch
You hope it doesn’t show
Not even a touch

It makes you feel empty
Like you do everything wrong
Maybe it will be friendly
And won’t string you along

It burrows deep inside
Slowly taking over your life
You hide behind your disguise
To get away from peoples’ hateful eyes

It makes your world dark
You push people away
Just one tiny spark
Could make you runaway

It lets you sink
You slowly run out of air
But then you think
Does anybody really care?