The clutter of madness that surrounds me physically is a mere projection of what my mind looks like daily. Sometimes it feels as if there are several other personalities bidding on my sanity.
Like a bad sitcom that reruns night after night, repressed memories form new ways of expressing their misery and creating fresh guilt, and stealing the freedom that repression gives.
I don't pretend to be free from all the things in my history, but as crazy as it seems I don't know how to be me without the chaos and broken dreams that have shaped and molded me for as far back as 1973.
Just when I thought I've overcome some, a certain date comes, and my subconscious leaks out a trigger, a reminder of what I've done, then accuses me of forgetting that I have to pay, my punishment a few days of depression, followed by bouts of crying and attitude to be reckoned with.
Putting myself back together is something that Jekyll and Hyde could probably relate to. The transformation is quite a site from dark to light, demon to angel, sinner to saint. It almost physically hurts, actually, it's 99% of most of my aches and pains, I know that its the culprit that triples my blood pressure and keeps me up with killer headaches.
I don't think things will ever change because then what would make me, me?

There are many things a woman sacrifices in life some for freedom from familial ties, others abandon love for a costlier way of life.
Whether it be religion, generations of corrupt traditions, or simply the desperation for survival.
Whatever the reason, in some eyes its treason to stand for oneself and what we believe in, to not give all or to keep a little piece of what we created to them is an abomination.
People will say women have come a long way, the ability to vote or possess an opinion in what we in prior years were not able to meddle in.
Now we have a woman vice president! I cant wait to see the difference she will make, allot on her plate and with all eyes on her the sacrifice will be great. The easy part was the election now its living up to the words that gained her, her position.
In truth us woman have a lot to live up to, at the end of the day we feel responsible for others accomplishments, we want the best for our children so much so sometimes we spend a lifetime being miserable, just to make sure they have an opportunity to have opportunities, and to live life with the best possibilities.
I say now is the time for the Moms and Grandmas to take a stand and sever the delusion that because we believe and sacrificed for them to succeed that they will appreciate it and pass up all the mess, and choose life instead of slow death.
The truth is free will was a gift that sadly turned into a curse, not for all but for some, the choices they make are there's and do not in no way reflect your mommy skills or rate the love you give.
It is time to sacrifice for self and break the viscous cycle of hopeless, hope!
I'm not saying don't believe in them and offer the best you can to them, I'm saying stop being a sacrifice over and over for things you have no control over. You are worth the sacrifice someone else took for you to be happy and at peace, to find the true you!

"My word is my bond" so many live by this rule, it's true until they forget the meaning of the words "I DO"!

Whether it be 10, 20 or 30 years later, words spoken fade as the memories of a honeymoon spent making love and pregnant promises were spoken as the sun sets and again rises.

When the hardest part of the day was going separate ways to tackle the day, when calling 3, 4, 5x before the first break and smiling at the silly things we would say.

Remember looking at the clock as time dragged, aching to touch and caress and be naked next to your love, chest to breast recounting the days worst after making love in the foyer satiated for the moment, hot and starving we inch our way to the kitchen too tired to cook, we spoon cereal into our mouths stealing glances flirting like schoolyard kids.

30 years later it might just be the failing of my memories that would separate you from me, Alzheimer's is a sad thing a killer of unity.
I say I could never forget you in a million years, next day you introduce yourself again oh my love by the end of a hopeless night it's your smell, your touch that brings my mind to surface even if it's for a second its worth the daily effort. This is the natural way whether you remember or not your word is still intact.

Is a vow still a vow if violated? I ask myself if abuse is present in any shape or form to what extent is breaking our vow. Is it the raising of a hand or a word spoken way too loud or is it one not coming home at night when they do the scent of another confirms what you know is true.
Is it enough to walk out even though your still head over heels in love?

All I can say is the strength in a marriage relies on 3 things:

1. Unity is only that if it's you, your mate and God
2. Communication means talking not egotistical accusations.
3. *** and more ***, Sensual, Steaming Sacrificial ***.
If you said "I DO" make sure you get counsel and spend time with each other, whatever differences most can be worked out but there are a few
that just can't be worked through. Don't overlook things with the concept of we can fix them later, because you only deceive yourself and head straight for disaster, *** may be great but there's always the morning after