You think I am strong
because I have survived.
Survived abuse, ****, neglect, and lack of love.
You think I have thrived.

But you weren’t there
when I finally broke.
You weren’t there when I screamed
You weren’t there when I choked.

I did give up.
I ate that bottle.
But the people around me
Ripped my hand off of the throttle.

I haven’t moved on
But I think I choose to stand still
Not because I don’t want my future
But more darkness will come
And that one might **** me

I cry alone in my living room
Talking to someone that isn’t there
Not because I’m crazy
But because losing my sanity is near.

Death does not scare me.
Not anymore.
Living scares me most
Letting people in while my heart is still torn.

Stuck in my victim status.
That’s what my mother calls it.
Little does she know
A year isn’t long enough to heal ****.

I wish I had a normal life
But no my just keeps *******
So I guess I’ll continue my destructive ways
Smoking, drinking, speeding, *******.

Love doesn’t hurt right
Then what the **** is happening
Nobody ever broke me
While screaming that they loathe me.
When does the pain start capping?

Does anyone have the answer?
Cause I sure ******* don’t
I’m tired of typing my feelings
Cause you think I’ll finally “cope”

One day I’ll chnage my life
One day I’ll make it big.
I’ll scream my story from the roof
And you just have to ******* sit.
And listen.

To every snap chatter whose name I do not recognize.
To every Facebook profile picture that I decline
I am sorry.
Not that I am a great loss
But for the judgment I place without knowing of you.

Most people are a product of their raising
However I am simply a product of my experience.
I was raised to love and respect those I don’t know.
But my experience has taught me to look for every red flag.
Even if it’s not there.

I turn a blind eye to the good things you tell me about yourself
Because I simply do not believe you.
I want to
believe you that is.
But my experience has convinced me that mankind is never good.

Man being the root word.
When I see a man I feel instant fear.
Men have only ever placed their hands on my innocence without persmission.
They are never sorry.

When I see a man I remember.
I remember so many nights of pain and desperation.
I remember the court room full of people that felt so lonely.
I remember being alone while I had to face you.

I remember my childhood.
My lack of a male figure
except the one that decided that 7 wasn’t too young.
I remember the shame. And my mother telling me that family doesn’t hurt.
That’s I was lying.

I remember my divorce.
My ex husband who always liked to drink.
Yell, throw things, wave his gun around.
The one who broke me in new ways.
Taught me that my lowest could go lower.

And from these things, I gained experience.
Experience in which, has made me who I am.
So too the men I haven’t met,
I am sorry.
Cause maybe, you are not what I have experienced.

Though I am above water
I Feel as if I am drowning
Though I am on land
I am spitting water out of me

But in my mind
The water is red
Bleeding heart or
Is my goodness leaving without me

Everyday a part of me dies
I’ve learned to like the solitude
People get tired of hearing my cries
There isn’t really much I can do

My heart is so heavy
And my shoulders just drop
Am I really asking for too much?
By begging it to ******* stop?

I’m lonely
I’m sad
I’m angry
It’s getting pretty bad.

I’m losing who I am
Only one part is left to save
But you’re too late
At my lonely 12 o’clock I’ll cave.

Goodbye beautiful me.
Hello protected soul
Today everyone thinks I’m fine
But tomorrow they will finally see me fold

The pills are my escape from you
I hear the bottle rattle in my head
My mother was an addict too
But I just take them to go to bed

At least, that’s what I tell people.

One time I took too many
It wasn’t an accident I swear
That’s actually how this habit started
Because my pain was just too much to bare.

This was never part of my plan but
These capsules make me numb
And I forget who I am
Or even Where I’m from

I finally laugh again
When my brain isn’t the same
These beautiful pebbles
Can definitely change the game

I don’t remember what happened to me
When I’m under their spell
I forget about the burning in my throat
From constantly yelling for help

I should be fine by now
It was a year ago after all
Maybe I’m trying too hard
Or maybe the pain doesn’t heal because you ******* tell it so.

Everyone is your friend at your funeral
But it’s vacant when you’re alive
I’m a downer at a party
They sense I have a different vibe

Maybe it’s becaue the last event
That I attended
Ended up being a traumatic
Fearful experience with you.

But you’re in prison now
And it shouldn’t be a problem for me
You got a small ******* sentence
That should be enough to set me free.

Right?

My PTSD
It reminds me everyday that I am changed
It injects the memories into my veins
Telling me to remember
Because I deserve the pain

This is who you are now.. it says..
You can’t chnage who you are
You can’t have fun anymore
Who can’t go to the bars

Not like you used to.
When a guy tries to come up to you
You will instantly think of the boy
Who destroyed you.

Because his name is branded on you like cattle
You got to therapy
You try to heal
But there is no winning this battle.

Sleep? You don’t get to sleep
You will see him in your dreams
And he will touch you with his fingers of blades
And I will force you to lay there while you scream.

Please stop.

He didn’t listen the first time
I won’t let you forget
It will play over and over
Like a song that won’t get out of your head

You want to go to the store? Fine.
But my PTSD makes me see his face
In every man. In every cashier
And In every single place.

You cannot forget me.. it says..
This is who you are.
There is no treatment or help from the scars that he placed on you.

Don’t be fooled.

I’ll let you think you’re getting better
But every time you hear a voice
You will think it’s him coming to claim
You. You were his victim of choice.

You were chosen.
Count yourself lucky.
What were you wearing?
That sound kinda slutty.

Well did you flirt with him?
You were askin for it.
Oh you were drinking?
*** you’re a *****.

You should be ashamed.
You deserved this after all.
Boys will be boys!
Now sit there. Stand tall.

And keep your ******* mouth shut.

I tried to die one night
Two days after my ****
The "friends" I tried to lean on
wouldn't help me escape

I was left to hurt alone
I couldn't even sleep
Started seeing him in my dreams
I guess it was too much for me

I couldn't leave my house
I felt like everyone could see
All the pain I was hiding
While he still felt at peace

And I read the messages
That broke my heart so deep
I grabbed the pills, left the phone
Tried to find the perfect place

I wrote a note so sad
When I read it I still weep
Took all the xanax I had
I wanted to fall asleep

I don't remember much else
Amnesia at its peek
Woke up in an institution
Filled with help they wanted me to seek

They diagnosed me crazy
Anxiety, depression, PTSD
Even adjustment disorder
But What does that even mean?

Who I was is now dead
Inside Is a constant scream
I'll never trust anyone
And that's who I used to be

My heart was pure and good
Now it's pure anger and mean
Second guessing everyone's intentions
Because he was evil, I didn't see

In a world where "fool me once"
Apparently means Shame on me.
dont worry my people
Maybe next time, I'll succeed.

Went to a party lastnight
It was Ganna be fun
I was with my awesome boyfriend
I really believed he was "the one"

I drank a lot more than I should've
And He had quiet a few too
Couldnt speak the word I should've
I didn't realize what he would do

I woke up to him on top of me.
He penetrated me more than once
When I asked him what was happening
All he could say was what now you wake up?

He kept saying I didnt remember
But actually I remember it all
It was a horrible pain
I ran out the room to call.

But he had hidden my phone.
I locked myself in the bathroom
Somehow he unlocked the door
I tried to leave but there wa no room

There was no exit for me at all

People tell me is wasn't ****.
Because we were dating
But if your too drunk to say no
That's a **** I'm stating.

How can I tell people?
No one will believe me
They didn't believe me the last time
Why waste my time breathing

Should I stay silent
Pretend that I'm ok?
Should I tell the cops?
Should I run away?

The pain I feel
And the despair
I was betrayed
But will anyone care enough
to listen and try to save

...me?

He complained about the bills
because she left him with the furniture
But his words they ****
He didn't care that he was hurting her

It was always all about him and
He was angry that she had left
But she had to save herself
her whole life's a freaking mess

She cried all the time
Even when she was working
Coworkers talked crap about her
They didn't realize she was hurting

No one ever reached out
Even though they all could see
She's not the bright young woman
she always used to be

With the exception of one
The only one she could tell
The last person she expected
Her coworker Annabelle

Annabell could see the same
At least she cared enough to ask
She actually reached out and
Slowly took off her mask

Who would've thought help would
come from such a stranger
She listened to understand and
Tried to warn her of all the danger

This kind of relationship
Will only ever get worse
But she was so in love and
she only wanted to make it work

They said she was dumb for staying so long
But how could she ever leave
In the worlds eyes he did no wrong
And she didn't have the heart to speak

About the pain he caused
And the time he held his gun.
I mean don't get me wrong
"you can't blame him he was drunk"

Right??

But what about the times he screamed?
Just because he had a bad day?
It had nothing to do with her
But really, what was she supposed to say?

Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
She would sit there and she would take it
I mean if he really loved her
then how could he just fake it?

It Had to be her fault.
I mean, why else would he do it?
No matter what he did
She always knew they could get through it

But She was so wrong

he always said he was sorry
he said that he would change and
she didn't have to worry
But she had to be to blame.

But now she so broken and so damage
she can't even hear his name
without flashbacks and anxiety
don't even get her started on her panic attacks and sobriety!

She finally grew the courage to leave
it was the hardest thing she done
it wasn't easy please believe
she wasn't leaving to have fun

She didn't leave him because she didn't love him
she left him because he didn't love her
that kind of life,
was it really what she deserved?

That's what the world seem to believe
there was nothing she could say
to make them understand
without giving him away

So she stayed silent. So silent.
And she harbored all that pain
until it was just too much
And she didn't want to live another day.

But she deserved a better ending.
He destroyed her without consequence
so with one last attempt to save her life
she finally told her parents

and their hearts literally broke
with every tear running down her face
and with every word she spoke
and they finally understood

why she had become so distant
she didn't want them to see
The change in her soul
and how could they have missed it

so she stopped coming over
she ignored all attempts
they did nothing wrong
but she couldn't let them in

to this disaster she once called home?
Devastation covered their faces
so many emotions pouring out
so they met her with their embrace and

She sat there and she just thought
how can I let this be?
all the messed up things that he said
and did to me?

But what could she even do?
He already spread his lies
and like all drama in this town
it's spread like raging wildfire

and it wasn't long before her "friends"
were voicing their opinion's
About a life they knew nothing of
And a nightmare they didn't live in

she had nowhere to go
and no one she could ever trust
there was no Safehaven and
there was no justice

For the once Beautiful soul
that he destroyed
but can you really blame him?
With the truth so sad, wouldnt you devise a ploy?

Yeah?

Or would you convince her
That it's "nobody's business?"
Because that's what he did
when she wanted therapy to fix it

This tragedy is never ending
and my hand is getting tired
maybe next time you hear a rumor
you won't be so quick to buy it

she still holds onto all her secrets
never said a single word
doesn't that make you sad?
The helpless soul that was never heard?