You worry
And worry
And even worry

About others
About not making trouble
Avoiding any collisions
Even the ones some people deserve

I see a person who cares
Not a scared girl
There’s confidence in every step you take
Even when you lose your footing

So keep your chin up girl
Afterall, we’re a team again
Gonna fight anything that comes at us
One count at a time

The engine roared
And she looked over
Smiling
And looking at me

How I wished she was in my car
But in the moment
I couldn’t look away from her eyes
She’s my world after all

Then she put her music on
And we waved goodbye
I waited
Fearing I’d lose sight with her in view

She drove past
Another exchange of smiles
I put my hands up in a heart-our signature
How I wish she could know

Indefinitely

Must be fate
I can’t stay away from that word
Stuck in a loop of wanting
Still in the same situations

Yet I’m still growing
One day maybe I’ll have it all
Unless I can’t manifest it

Except
Let’s be real
It wouldn’t be that bad
Zebras aren’t that rad
All I can ask is for peace

I’m tired

Less and less sleep each night
Out and about more each day
Very much exhausting
Especially while being heartbroken

Yet here I am
Outgoing per usual
Until-indefinitely

You told me
Keep going
You swore
It’d get easier

I’ll move on
I need time
Give it a month
The lack of contact will break it

But we’re back again
And it’s the exact same
I feel the exact same
I want the exact same

Tell me I’ll change
I don’t believe it
I don’t want to
I like being here

Every breath weighs me down
I feel bruised with every thought
Yet your name still rises
Like a flame in my chest

Every part of me is cracking
I’m leaving a trail of emptiness
But you return the emptiness
Filled with care and affection

Every road steals energy from me
Like a promise never broken
Except you’re still here
And that’s all that matters

I’m doing my best
It’s taking everything out of me
And with scraps left to offer
You still support me

I don’t intend to make this about them
So I’ll leave one last message
A message that probably won’t reach
A message I couldn’t care if it did

Expose me, spare me, do what you want
Reveal me to other people who knew me
It accomplishes nothing between each other
Life happens and you can’t name the villain

It’s pointless to reach out
I’m not going back
I’m heart broken over one girl
I couldn’t accept that I couldn’t have anyone

So I’ll leave it here
Hopefully you both find your peace
Just know, I didn’t take it
I fell back from something I couldn’t offer

I’m going to be honest
Not that I need to
Just feels like extra weight

I looked at all your poems
Everyday
Even though I said I wouldn’t

But I think you knew I would

My heart dropped
The moment I saw you
Slouched over
Not wearing the smile you make

I knew I couldn’t, shouldn’t, wouldn’t
But I came to help anyway
I’m thankful I was helpful
Even though I’m sorry I intruded

I felt happy
Talking to you
Feeling the world spin around
Pressing my finger against yours

I’m going to be careful, considerate
But I’m still here when you need me
Always gonna be
Promise

No matter how many first chairs I make
Or hours I spend with friends
I won’t be truly happy
I can’t when all I want is our happiness

I wrote to you
I don’t know if you saw
But that was all of it
A last message

I’ll put it here
Because I feel bad how long it was up for
But I don’t know
I don’t know


I miss you
I’m not supposed to
But I still want us
Where did this go

You had me promise to stay
I made you promise to stay
I knew it’d happen
You knew I was truthful though

And now it’s gone
I act angry to make you forget me
You blame me for your problems and pain
And I live on, grieving internally

I’m deleting everything
I’m letting go of all my trauma and memories
I have nothing to give this emptiness inside my mind
I manifested a life I can survive in

But that doesn’t mean I’m fully happy
It means the lexapro takes away the ability to suffer
And it doesn’t mean I hate you
It means I wish I could show I still care

So goodbye, for real
I won’t cause any more trouble
As hard as it is to put an end to my dreams
I’ll do it for you

You won’t read this
I’m going silently
I want to do anything
But pulling us closer would **** us

I put everything into us
I know you did too
But you ended it as if it was just some fling
That’s why I can’t forgive you

It’s not that you did anything wrong
You didn’t do what I wanted
And no matter what anyone thinks
I can’t change my heart from being purple

I say I’m okay
Not to worry her
She has enough on her plate
And I’m not struggling

What I haven’t said
Is when I started to be okay
How the endless conversations
Made me feel peace again

So I bury and treasure
But I offer my whole heart
Not to be pointless
It’s what I’m made to do

My heart yearned for you
Desperately tugging at my chest
Now it sits content
Soothed by your words

I offer everything
Take everything you want
Every piece you take
Will make me more whole

I watched you smile
Lighting up at my stupid jokes
Feeling the connection broaden
And to make the distance diminish
I didn’t care what it meant
I won’t worry what it’ll do
Right now I’m dancing in your vision
Are you dancing too

Missed my meds today
Stuck with Stacey in the car
Not sure if my anxiety-
Or the way she makes me feel like ****-
Will **** me first

I’m going to be truthful
Sorry
So help me god

The question on everyone’s mind
So I’ll answer it
The why

I had to delete my account
268 poems
All of my heart spilled open
All revealing of my truth

And people twisted it
Made me feel terrible for being human

While my poems offered sanctuary
To any heart involved in the tale

I wanted to write without being judged
Seen without hearing of it
But that required not being seen at all
And it was time for my poetry to refresh

It doesn’t mean I’m disappearing
I’m right here
I just needed to restart
I needed to reanalyze