Sitting in quiet contemplation staring at the ceiling.
Senses overcome by these overwhelming feelings.
Is something wrong? Is it not you but me?
Of course I’m the cause what else could it be?
Are you cheating like my ex who I left to be happy with you?
Is it something I said, ****, what the hell did I do?
Or is it all just in my head, because of all I just went through?

I love you my darling, though my brain won’t let it go.
If you want to leave I understand but I must know.
Something is wrong if not with you than with I.
I keep watching people I love pass me by.  
I can not let you go, I have fallen so hard and so fast.
I really hope that this finally a relationship that will last.
I can not hide forever and hope I get brave before I’m in your past.

I will love you forever much like a few that came before.
Picking up what few pieces of me are still on the floor.
I write this not for you to see, but to let out these wretched contemplations,
Writhing within my head twisting my thoughts with vile machinations.
They have always been here and have ruined so much.
Making me question myself and leaving me out of touch.
Making me lean hard against my most faithful crutch.

Falling, flailing, descending to new lows,
Feel it wash over, from my head, to my toes,
I should already be dead, from so many blows,
But I guess one more? **** it who knows.

Spinning, grinning, laughing the whole way down,
Smile for a minute, before it turns to frown,
In these foolish emotions, I begin to drown,
Don't know whether to end it all, or just leave town.

I wish I were more, I wish I was smarter,
Wish I was stronger, wish I could fight harder,
Wish I had you, wish I didn't keep falling farther,
Wish I were a better man, and not just another martyr.

I am not worth much, this much is true,
It is much more, than just my point of view,
Its what happened over and again, I wish I had something new,
Wish I had what I wanted, I wish I had you...

Sitting, lying,
Alone in my bed,
Thinking, crying,
Thoughts in my head,
Is it a game?
Or am I confused?
Why is it shame?
When first I'm enthused,
What have I done?
What do I do?
When I see the sun,
And I wish to see you?

Do I sit and stare,
In envious rage?
When I want to be there,
Instead of this cage?
I love you so,
And it kills me to part,
I just want you to know,
You have my heart.

I wish we could be,
Though, it can't be so,
Just you and me,
But I already know,
So I won't ask,
I will accept my fate,
In your love, I bask,
And could never hate.

So again I say,
I am sorry,
For being this way,
And causing you worry,
I let myself,
Get too caught up,
When I should just shelf,
Anything I think up.

I wish it were easy,
To let it all go,
Easy, to not have you with me,
But **** it, do I need you so,
When I shed tears,
Don't fret darling,
It's only because my fears,
Are so very charming.

Goodnight, and good bye,
Only differ at the end,
They always make me cry,
But I try and pretend,
It doesn't burn,
But the fire is gigantic,
For you I yearn,
And my mind starts to panic.

I love you. Again,
And again, over once more,
So make me grin,
And forget before,
Even if its only for now,
And I hate myself when you away,
I wish there were a way how,
I could make you stay, just one more day.

Every time, it's always the same,
I fall in love, but it can never be,
Either circumstance, or it was just a game,
Is it always them? Or always me?

Am I just another one?
Am I just a waste?
Am I just a bit of fun?
Am I just a taste?

Dragging on,
Dark to light,
Days are long,
As is the night,
But it is true,
Even after a day,
I still miss you,
As if you've been away,
For a lifetime and change.

Never chosen, but always a choice,
Scream out, but no one hears my voice,
Time and again, pushing every one away,
When all I do, is try to make them stay,
Do they not understand? Or simply ignore?
Do I scare them away? Like always before?
Is it a curse? Am I stuck here forever?
Building up ties, just so they can sever,
Do I ask too much? Then why never enough?
Should I stay away? Try to be tough?
Whoever I love, I know I won't be mine,
Forsaken to never have, and only pine?

I cry in the bathroom, at work, when I go,
Only to cry, or maybe do blow,
Never using the bathroom, for what it is meant for,
Just usually crying, staring at the door,

Everything gets to me, I cant keep it in,
So I shut the door, lock it, and begin,
Gotta sit down, too weak to stand,
No tears on your shirt, head in your hands,

Hide it well, they can't tell,
Inside you can only scream and yell.

When we die, it shouldn't be sad,
Lived our lives, times we had,
Only depressing, if you never live it,
Take what you want, the world won't give it,

If I said goodbye, I wonder if they would cry,
Content to see me gone, or on the inside die?
Pushing me out, adrift alone,
Leaving me, to always atone,
For the sins of my family.

When it comes to goodbye,
I always want to cry,
Inside I die,
Why?

Maybe just one more smoke?
Or at least a good ****?
Even if I choke?
Poke.

At our beach, or just behind the store,
Talking of murders, and gore,
Begging like before,
More.

Please don't go, not yet anyway,
Can I convince you to stay?
Or must you away?
okay...

First of three, to arise with query,
Make me wander, weak and weary,
I must find it again my long lost mind,
'Cause, I am starting to fall way behind,
Gone in an instant, returning just as fast,
But I still question, how long it will last,
Are you here for good, or gone in an hour?
Running frantically without your power,
No direction, confused and forsaken,
When at last will it all be taken?

One more, before you must away,
I really wish, that you would stay,
I,

Think of you, and my day is bright,
When I say goodbye, I cry all night,
Love,

Please, don't go, stay within view,
Because my heart is stuck to,
You

They're like people too, so many surprises,
Shells scattered, of all shapes and sizes,
Everyone has a favorite, one they adore,
And when they find it, can't ask for more,

It's how I feel about you, my favorite shell,
If I ever lost you, I'd hate my every last cell,
So many grooves, such gorgeous colors,
I would never give you up, for any of the others.

I will explain, my thoughts in rhyme,
Thank you for waiting all this time,
You know who you are, this one is yours,
Just to explain my minds latest tours,

I never stopped loving, it hid like I thought,
So when I ******* up, pain was all I sought,
Now I see things, I don't know are there,
I don't ask, because I don't want to make you aware,
Of the feelings I have, because of the relief,
When I told you they left, to my disbelief,

So when they came back, I couldn't take it away,
So I tried to hide it, but my mind started to fray,
But my mind kept thinking, maybe its mutual,
I said it can't be, and tried to be business as usual,
But I fiend for your texts, thirst for thoughts,
I get so anxious, my stomach is in knots,

So I have to tell you now, before it gets bad,
Say what you will, I promise I won't be mad,
I know my words mean nothing, and you think nothing true,
But know this and this alone, I truly love you.

**** or bullet, Which for my brain?
Get high? Or die? Which will end the pain?
You can tell by the title, and the poem's existence,
Which one of these I chose in this instance,
But I see this choice, every day, when I try to escape,
I smoke for now, evade that way, but there is no escape.

Bleed, make it hurt,
Deep, make it spurt,
Make me love, make me stay,
Make me hate, make me stray,
Make me whatever you want

Tell me what it is, I know, nothing,
But I really know, something,
I see it, and so does everyone,
Either that or we are all far gone,
Make me know what you want

Is there something more, or am I blind?
Because it is starting to seem every time,
I leave, I pick up on the signs, left behind,
I leave my thoughts in these rhyme,
*Make it all clear

In love, but can't act on feeling,
In hate, and can't stop reeling,
In too deep, feel like I'm dying,
In my own head, I'm really trying,

Out of time, waiting for the end,
Out of lies, for my best friend,
Out of words, now I will only offend,
Out of my head, My thoughts can't defend.

Stare into my eyes, a second longer,
My feelings growing, ever stronger,
Temptation takes it's toll, I look away,
I may try to forget, but on that my mind will stay,
Thoughts, leading to delusion,
Fanning the flame, feeding the illusion.

I look back, but your eyes are redirected,
I wish the last moment, resurrected,
To give in, but it is gone, lost forever,
Will I know how it would've played out, never,
Wasted too many moments, all of which I regret,
But each one I will never be able to forget.

I don't know if I should, I hold my ground,
But in family and friends, I have found,
A consensus, I am doing what I shouldn't,
If they were in my shoes, I know they wouldn't,
I am starting to disagree with myself now,
I am starting to not know, what or how.

So tell me give in, or stay strong?
If I don't, will you be around long?
If I do, you will hate me right?
Will me and you get into a fight?
Should I run? Do you want me here?
Do you hate me? Or is it as I fear?

Do you notice? Timing so perfect,
Is it just me? Memories seem to reflect,
Are you trying not to see? Obvious signs,
Or am I just wrong? Happens sometimes.

I could be over thinking, I do it a lot,
Ever notice at all? Give a second thought?
I wonder what I don't know, might have more clues,
Is it just coincidence? Or maybe signs, I confuse?

I definitely notice, a change in one way or another,
Which emotion do I sense? I want to see you guess,
What am I asking now? Do you know what I ponder?
Are you blind, or me? Never mind, I digress...

The words tumble through my memory,
A music box, of your voice wound forever,
Replaying conversations, listening to every theory,
You are so funny, so very clever,
Why am I always thinking about you?
Why am I always afraid of it too?

I love the conversation, and always the company,
Lately, I have been confused, things a bit weird,
Not just a moment or two, but too many,
Is it just my mind, or could it be as I feared?
Why is that all I wonder?
Why is my mind a blunder?

I could never ask, I don't have the courage,
But I can write, it comes naturally,
I never wish to hurt, or incite fits of rage,
I didn't know I could do that actually,
Why can I do this to those I love?
Why my feelings do I involve?

I will let it pass,
I know it can't last,
It doesn't go so fast,
I am just stuck in the past,

My mind is gone,
My life is wrong,
My soul is strong,
My thoughts too long,

Pain and me,
Make good company,
Without it I would never be,
So truly happy,

The whip breaks skin,
Makes blood from sin,
Relief when the blade sticks in,
Released from my prison.