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Todd Aug 2018
I sat down at my piano today,
for the first time
in many years,
I lifted the lid to expose the keys
that once were my best friends.
I paused, hands poised,
a few inches above contact,
the sudden awkwardness
of running into an ex lover.
I had turned my back
on this constant companion,
for no other reason
than simple foolishness,
falling for the sweet seduction
of temporary pleasures.
For a split second
I almost reached for the lid,
hid my eighty eight best friends
away from sight again,
but then my fingers touched ivory.
At first, I didn't think the music would come,
weak notes, jumbled chords,
slowly my fingers remembered their dance,
they played notes with confidence,
dissidence faded as the chords found harmony.
There was technical precision,
my beat more even than the metronome,
but no passion, no heart,
that special magic that transforms
notes to music,
music to joy,
was lacking.
I kept playing, moving from piece to piece,
composer to composer,
letting styles mix and intermingle.
Beethoven led to Billy Joel,
Billy Joel into Mozart, into Beatles.
Classical, pop, rock, punk, jazz,
soon there was no distinction,
there was only music,
and the magic I had turned my back on
so long ago.
The music and magic
that had never turned away from me.
More crap from my leaky mind
Todd Aug 2018
One candle,
lit in the light of day,
so easily ignored.
It can flicker
and fade away,
long before
it is ever noticed.
And yet,
that same candle
lit in the dark of night,
makes a bold statement.
It dances and blazes,
calling attention
to itself,
illuminating
without blinding.
So to, is man.
One voice amid the din
shouted down
and lost.
Hard to make a point
when nobody is listening.
But one voice,
even whispered
in a pause,
can be heard,
and can persuade
when given half a chance.
So, here is my voice,
my single candle.
Will it flicker and fade,
or illuminate?
Only time will tell.
More crap from my leaky mind
Todd Aug 2018
It was raining the day you left.
The day you walked out of my life,
forever.
I can remember every detail,
how the puddles reflected
the churning grey sky.
How the breeze kept caressing me
with the scent of your perfume.
I can still remember every word you said.
How you accused me of being cold,
of not sharing my emotions,
of never letting you it.
All I could say was
"Please don't go.",
but you left anyway.
Still, every detail is fresh in my mind.
The challenging look on your face
as you waited for something more from me.
My invisible struggle to find the words
to show you how I felt.
Your slight hesitation before you turned from me
that final time.
How I stood in the rain for hours after you left.
And all I can say,
is that the rain
hid my tears.
More crap from my leaky mind
Todd Aug 2018
I wandered alone
into the woods,
to find out
who I am.
Clothed in darkness,
bathed in mist,
my only resources,
is myself.
Forced to confront
the demons inside me.
Only to emerge
back into the world,
still clothed in darkness,
still bathed in mist.
Still…
More crap from my leaky mind
Todd Aug 2018
I had a dream last night,
unlike any that I have had before.
In it I was visited by
the first woman I ever loved,
probably the only woman
I’ll ever love in that way.
Even though she’s been gone
for nearly twenty years
she looked just the same.
She spoke to me, her voice
a soft whisper,
a whisper I had missed
more than I knew.
She said,
“Maybe I didn’t love truly
while I was alive,
but now I am part of total love.”
She went on to tell me
that she was worried about me,
how she hated to see me
blame myself for her death.
I couldn’t speak,
I just stared at her,
my heart breaking all over again.
She spoke again,
“Once I told you that there
was something you needed to do.”
“Once I nudged someone
into taking an interest in you,
into giving you a chance at friendship.”
She paused, her beauty unchanged by time,
I knew I didn’t want to wake up,
I wanted to sleep forever
and never lose her again.
“This is the last time
I can help you,
this message is all we have left.
When I go, we’ll be over,
and it will be time for you to move on.”
She reached out for me,
touched my cheek,
just a faint touch,
infinitely sweet.
“You have so much potential,
your brain, your humor,
the way you can see into
a person’s mind and soul.
You need to embrace your talents again,
use them to help yourself,
use them to help others.”
And with that, she was gone.
I awoke,
at first, I felt like crying,
then I felt like laughing.
After that I got out
a notebook and a pencil
and wrote this poem.
I reread it, twice,
looking for some flaw,
some better way of saying it.
Finally, I gave up,
there was nothing I could improve.
Perhaps this poem
was an unexpected
fourth gift.
More crap from my leaky mind
Todd Aug 2018
He let himself in,
into his house,
his shelter
from the confusion
of everyday life.
With the door locked
and the curtains drawn,
he shrugged off the day
like he would a sodden robe,
feeling the uncomfortable weight
leave his shoulder
and drift away forgotten.
Her ghost had been there again,
he could see her silhouette
traced in the air.
Always hovering,
close by,
unrelenting as a summer storm.
Not a real apparition,
he had not take leave of his senses,
he knew fantasy from reality.
She wasn't really there,
she wasn't haunting him
from beyond the grave.
The hellish reality was
she was haunting him
from within his memory.
Time had gone by
but these feeling
had never faded
or eroded,
No passage of time
or act of penance
could assuage these memories.
Two years had passed,
seeming both like a second
and a century,
since that fateful day.
The stupid argument,
the unfounded accusations,
his anger flaring up
faster than his logic could
extinguish it.
He had only used his words,
thank God his hands
had stayed rigid by his side,
but his words were enough.
She had left,
fled
to be precise.
His words,
inspired by his rage,
had chased her from their home...
in tears.
By the time he calmed
and regained control,
by the time
he realized
that he had been
wrong and unfair,
she was gone.
Gone from their home,
their marriage,
and this life.
She should never have been driving,
in tears and upset,
she never saw the truck
that ran a red light
and took her away,
before he could make amends.
Before he could say
that he was stupid,
and wrong,
and sorry,
she was gone.
But not really gone,
not gone forever,
because not a day went by,
to be honest,
few hours went by,
when he didn't feel her there,
blaming him.
More crap from my leaky mind
Todd Aug 2018
He wakes every morning
with his arm outstretched,
his hand grasping,
clutching at air,
reaching for the ceiling.
A moment's confusion
and a sense of
dysphoria.
Then,
as the cobwebs of sleep
melt away,
his arm collapses to his side.
No reason he can fathom,
no memory of a dream,
no unfulfilled desire
that he is aware of.
Once he is out of bed
he can almost forget
the odd way his day has started,
but always,
in the back of his mind
he knows, come morning,
he will once again
be reaching
for an unknown something.
There was nothing missing
from his life,
true, he lived alone,
but he wasn't lonely.
He had friends,
a job he enjoyed,
all that he needed
and even a little extra
to occasionally
help someone less fortunate.
So what was he reaching for
in the twilight
between sleep and waking?
What deep desire
did he keep hidden
even from himself?
Or was he just striving
for something to strive for?
A way to keep moving forward
so he didn't stagnate
in complacency?
More crap from my leaky mind
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