What is it that you do now
That you have never done before?
What is it that I did not do before
That I do now?

What do you think now
That you never thought before?
What did I think before
That I give no thought to now?

What do you feel now
That you had no feeling for before?
What did I feel before
That I have no feeling for now?

I love you now
I loved you before

I think of you now
I thought of you before

I feel for you now
I felt for you before

But you are not here
You are there

And I am not there
I am here

The feast was over.
I struggled to my feet,
Feeling strangely satisfied
With how little I had said at the table.
I had watched my children
Represent me, not with my knowledge
But with their own,
Gleaned from their experiences, not mine.
It was comforting to realise
How well they shall cope without me.
I sunk into the armchair,
The leather one by the fire,
I dreamed of knights in armour,
Fighting in a foreign wood.
I awoke to silence in my house;
No warriors here -
Only a mute stillness
Which demanded to be broken.
Slowly, I made my way
Into every room in my heart
And discovered each of them in turn,
Concerned in some important trivia.
They smiled as they were disturbed
And yet still no sound.
As I asked the question,
A soft call from a distant point
Grew louder, gently, gently.
I felt a hand on my shoulder;
I opened my eyes.
You.
It was you.

The feast was over,
I struggled to my feet
Feeling strangely satisfied
With how little I had said at the table.
I had watched my children
Represent me, not with my knowledge
But with their own,
Gleaned from their experiences, not mine.
It was comforting to realise
How well they shall cope without me.
I sunk into the armchair,
The leather one by the fire,
I dreamed of knights in armour
Fighting in a foreign wood.
I awoke to silence in my house;
No warriors here -
Only a mute stillness
Which demanded to be broken.
Slowly, I made my way
Into every room in my heart
And discovered each of them in turn,
Concerned in some important trivia.
They smiled as they were disturbed
And yet still no sound.
As I asked the question,
A soft call from a distant point
Grew louder, gently, gently.
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I opened my eyes.
You.
It was you.

Oh fly me to thy bed,
Princess of the light.
Do not wait upon thy conscience
But love me there as I would wont to love thee.

And how would that be?
Soft and silent as a petal to the touch?
Or hard and rough,
Like the careless storms of winter?

No, it would be as thou desireth
So long as I am in the partnership of it.
I would accept thy every whim,
So to lie with thee upon thy grace.

‘Tis God’s truth
That I love the very core of thee;
Each movement of the clock
Hath marked this state.

Does it too, set the beat of my heart
In perfect harmony with thine,
Or is it discordant calamity
That falleth upon mine ear?

No, that clamour is
Born of the dancing of angels,
In joy in laughter in celebration
Of my love
And thine.

Empty,
Full of hope,
Not yet born.
A second heart beats waiting to say hello
You dread saying goodbye.
Why did it have to happen?
She cried.
I lay down beside her on her bed
But she did not want me there.
She could not fathom
The reason for death.
There is no reason
Other than to help us love life more than we do.
What do you think?
Blue or pink?
Alive or Dead?
Living within you,
You will never lose this time
This dangerous gift of love,
This precarious gift of life,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Hope. Love.
Again,
In, out,
In out.
In.
Out.

In


Out




in




out…..

Empty,
Full of hope,
Not yet born.
A second heart beats waiting to say hello
You dread saying goodbye.
Why did it have to happen?
She cried.
I lay down beside her on her bed
But she did not want me there.
She could not fathom
The reason for death.
There is no reason
Other than to help us love life more than we do.
What do you think?
Blue or pink?
Alive or Dead?
Living within you,
You will never lose this time
This dangerous gift of love,
This precarious gift of life,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Hope. Love.
Again,
In, out,
In out.
In.
Out.

In


Out




in




out…..

It was only a moment
No more
I mean, how long does a moment last?
She was standing in the kitchen
Near the sink
Next to me
Facing away
I took a step back
She turned on her heel
I happened to be holding my left hand about level with her waist
It was almost a dance step
We did not touch
And then it was over
I carried on past her
I don’t think she noticed
She had her back to me
It was only a moment

We shall meet under a lamp post,
You and I,
As in the old movies of another time.
No-one else shall be there,
To witness our conversation,
We shall draw our overcoats around us,
Against the cold and we shall hasten to
A pub and find seats beside the open fire.
We shall drink whisky
And talk as we have never done before,
Looking deep into each other’s eyes,
Full of understanding and love,
Another whisky, a double maybe,
Followed by stories of our youth,
Tales full of laughter and joy.
One more whisky for the road
And then we shall help each other
With our coats
And with a dramatic bow
And a shout of “All for one and one for all!”
We shall stagger giggling into the night leaning against each other.
We shall stop under the light of the lamp post
Where you will take hold of my lapels,
Draw me towards you and kiss my lips.
You shall smile and I shall smile.
“Au revoir, mon ami”
You shall say as I watch as you walk away.
You don’t look back,
Why should you?
You know all the answers now.
You shall wait patiently for your family to follow
And, until those days arrive,
You will visit them in their dreams,
With words of comfort and wisdom and wit,
Causing them to wonder how they can dream of sadness
And yet awake with a smile and a light heart.
You know.
You know that your body no longer has life
But you, the essence of you, will live forever
Fuelled by something which shall never die,
Needs no explanation – love.

Just a whisper of remembrance,
A brief touch on my shoulder,
And there you are!
Smiling, enquiring
Listening, reacting,
I shall let you go now
To be with them,
Your family,
Who love you so.
Your blood is their communion
What joy, what warmth,
You gave them and give them still.
How fortunate are they and we
To hear your whisper,
To feel your touch,
To love and be loved.

Whisper it in the breeze,
As it rushes through time;
Say it in the way you smile,
As you swallow your wine.

This gamut of emotions
Which teaches us each day,
Each hour, each minute to learn
How to kneel and to pray.

I found tonight true friendship,
So simple, so pure;
I discovered its hidden secret,
Its mysterious allure.

So come, follow me,
Come join the wars of the past.
Fill up those heaving body bags
Until it is over at last.

I am too tired to elucidate.
How much time is left to me?
All I can do is write these words
And count from one to three.

Whisper it in the breeze
As those who came before have done.
Say it in the way you smile,
As you swallow the crumb.

Take off my shoes, my socks,
My crumpled suit and tie.
Begin to play as we used
When we had no need to die.

The wheels are turning.
Beads of sweat are dripping down my back.
The question is hurting
Why is there a monkey in the sack?

Deconstructed by disease,
I leave you lying there on your back
Must I do as I ****** well please
Why is there a monkey in the sack?

Why is a monkey there at all?
What are you trying to say?
I lean back and scratch the wall
Perhaps I should take the blame

The wind is letting loose
There is electricity in the sky
Nowhere is there shelter
Why I cannot even fly

Deconstructed by medication
I find you there lying on your back
I ask simply but with trepidation
Why is there a monkey in the sack?

Why is a monkey there at all?
Is it deliberate elaboration?
I read the word beneath the frame
The answer is Mitigation

There are shadows in my life,
Dark places where secrets lie,
Waiting to be uncovered.
But there is no shadow
Without the spark of a match, the glow of a torch,
The blaze of a fire,
The flick of a switch
There is no secret in an open heart,
Some breathe in the fetid air of the dark,
Where there is no light, no shadow, no hope.
Others want to escape, to joy and delight.
I have no secrets from you,
No desires unexpressed, nothing hidden.
You know it all.
You know that when next we meet,
We shall feel as if we are naked
We shall lie together and talk and laugh,
You will light a candle and photograph the shadows I make on the wall
They will look like sprites
They will sound like the wings of birds.
There will be no shame, no blame, no guilt, no despair, no regret,
Only the secret of friendship.

Come to my room tonight,
Whisper my name at the door,
I shall answer,
As I did before.

“Yes?” I shall say,
With a beating heart,
And the door will close
As I lie in the dark.

I shall hear the shuffle
Of your feet on the floor,
The rustle of sheets,
As I did before.

Without a word,
You will lie down by my side
I shall not move,
But I shall not hide.

And, in the morning,
As I awake,
Alone in my bed,
My heart shall ache.

Was it real or a dream?
I cannot be sure,
All I know is that I love you,
As I did before.

I met this guy,
I had seen him before.
He was tall, quite slim,
And he smiled; he smiled at the door.

He showed me his house,
The tiles on the floor,
I wanted to ***,
And he smiled at the door.

He told me to stand
He liked what he saw
Well, he said he was pleased
As he smiled at the floor.

He photographed me
He asked me for more,
I took off my shirt
And he smiled - what for?

I said I must go,
I thought he was bored.
But he held my hand tight
And he smiled like before

By the time I got home,
It was almost past four,
As I turned the key,
I smiled; I smiled at the door.

I dreamed I lived in China
The old China as it used to be
In a village in a fertile valley
Now buried by the River Yangtze

My father was a fisherman
He would go out in his boat at night
He would throw a line into the water
And wait for the fish to bite

I grew up and worked hard at school
I wanted to become a scientist
I had no interest in girls
At sixteen I had never been kissed

However one day I met my future wife
I saw her swimming naked in the river
I watched her dry and get dressed
Before making myself known to her

She was bold and she was beautiful
And much more interesting than chemistry
Soon we were swimming naked together
In the river and in the sea

We courted through university
And then married at half past three
In a garden full of lotus blossom
Beneath a magnolia tree

A year later she became very ill
And died in my arms in our bed
With her last breath she said to me
That she wanted to be buried in red

I found a cloth of deep scarlet
And wrapped it round her gently
Then I lifted up her tiny body
And carried her into the sea

The fish welcomed us to their world
And a part of it we shall forever be
This is my dream of China
The old China as it used to be

A violin plays
I drink some water
I sing a song in my head
As I imagine her in my arms
I stroke the sleeve of her cardigan
I have broken my promise
But she doesn’t seem to mind
She smiles
I dare myself to kiss her head
The moment passes
But like an off beat, strangely the time is right
She mms
But I let her go
She dances across the kitchen floor
To a hidden tune
I feel self conscious as I dance too
Someone calls on the phone
Neither of us answer
She begins to cry
I yearn to wrap her in my arms
I cannot
She looks at me
I look at her
Then I leave the room
I sit in the dark
With my glass in my hand
I know that she will not join me
I can still hear her dancing
On her own
As I sit on my own
And as I let sadness pour out of me
A violin plays

Away from you
I feel the past closing in,
Each path leads to memory,
Each road holds all the emotion and energy of my love
For those who have passed
But who gather on the wayside to watch me pass by.
They turn their heads to follow my progress along the route
To the place where we shall all be together again.
For their sake, I hope they do not wait for me
For I am not yet ready
They grow old and cold in the waiting
Whilst I smoulder and grow bolder
In my pursuit of happiness.
I could exist without it
But the fire would not light.
All I need is a spark.
The spark is you.

Before midnight, I slept quite well.
This filthy disease kept away
It suited me to shake hands and smile
And occasionally roll in the hay.

Then the daylight disappeared
And slowly darkness fell
I grew tired but I was spared
The ****** descent into Hell.

I pulled the curtains across
I locked the doors
I lived life at a loss
What was it all for?

Because soon enough it was night
Deep dark black skies
I no longer slept
Could not close my eyes

Now they are open
And I can see
What it is like to be broken
What it is like to be me

What is it like to be free?
Trapped in a world of my own?
What is it like to be me
Broken and alone?

****
****
****
****

Before the sun had risen
This morning
I turned in my bed
And hooked my little finger
Through the wires attached to my ipod shuffle
Plugged in the ear phones
And pressed play
But there was no sound
The battery had lost its charge
I didn’t get up
I wanted music
So I lay back and closed my eyes
And thought of you
The music you make
The clash of cymbals when you are angry
The sweet sound of the flute when
You have no cares,
The deep sonorous bellow of the trombone when you are serious
The plucking of strings when you are contrary
The lush harmony of the string section when you declare you allegiance
The stark blast of the trumpet when you force me to think
The doleful melancholy of the cello
The sad wail of an electric guitar
And l thought
Yeah
You are an orchestral score of the movie of your life
I thought of all this
Before the sun had risen

l thought of you just now
my mind wandered in and out of the long grass
through bushes
along a path
through a gate and on to an empty beach
and there you were
sitting cross legged
before the sunset
there was a space
on the towel next to you
l sat  there
and together we watched the sun go down
once it had disappeared
l turned to speak to you
but you had gone
like a sunset

Where do I go from here?
Floating down and standing tall.
Sinking without fear,
Pushing away from the wall.

Where do we go from here?
Circling each other on the border,
Never standing too near,
Never crossing the water.

Where do I go from here?
Deeper, longer, stronger than before
Holding on to a breath of air,
Longing for my feet to touch the floor.

Where do we go from here?
Down below or up above?
Maybe I should stay down there,
Waiting for you.

Cold.
Wet.
We struggle a few yards.
We both want it to happen
And happen it does.
I cling to the grey rock
And arch my back
I turn around and grasp it again.
The wind blows
As you come in closer
You ask me to look around.
And then it is finished.
It is over.
But then the blue.
The simple, stately blue of my body and the rocks.
Arrives later, much later.
It has a majesty that is unsurpassed,

My skin is old
My hair is grey
My speech is impaired
When I read the cricket scores in the paper
I am a boy again.
That boy
Who had no idea
What life would look like at 70
My tweed coat is motheaten
My stomach bulbous
My sister has been dead for 25 years
Is that all there is?
No, wait – there is so much
I listen to songs
We played when we were almost young
Young women look so pretty
Older women look so pretty
Old women look as old as they are
I cannot whistle
I cannot ******
I cannot stand and ***
I cannot sing
The songs of my youth
Which have become the anthems of my old age
But, I can think
I can stand on one leg,
I can eat from a spoon
I can read words
I can write them too
I am a boy of 70
That boy
Who has no idea

The sun paints shapes of silver
On the water,
As it rushes over the pebbles,
Singing a melody,
Never heard before or since.
It is the end of life,
in its present form.
He goes now to a place
With neither past nor future,
He will feel exultant,
Vital and valiant.
You shall know this,
Because whenever you think of him,
He will be that way.
There will come a day
When you too will join him,
In that timeless state,
Where no wars are fought,
Where sunrise marks not a beginning,
Nor sunset an end.
Upon the sound of the gentle bell,
You shall go quietly,
To leave us to wonder,
Until we take our turn,
To roll out the blanket
To sit with you among “sweet forget-me-nots
That grow for happy lovers”,
While listening to the words,
Full of meaning,
That no-one understands,
No-one hears,
Until the bell chimes.

There is a part of him in you,
There is a part of him in me;
One wanted to live,
The other to be free.

Tell them all about me he asked
But I could never understand
This man who loved her,
Until I had spoken to the hand.

He told you what he was to do,
But he did not understand,
This man who loved you,
What lay in his hand.

If only they had waited
For each of us to grow;
If only they had waited
For each of us to know.

Both died by his own hand,
One held a cigarette, the other a gun,
She said lift your cap,
If you ever meet a nun.

And here we are the children,
I never smoked, you never fired a shot
Yet there is a part of him in us,
Which part? The part we knew not.

You have revisited his past;
Where he has stood, you stand.
I have written words;
Now we understand.

The tale of two fathers,
A tale of a girl and a boy,
A tale of friendship,
A tale of loss and joy.

There is a part of me in you,
There is a part of you in me.
Our fathers who art in heaven,
Hallowed be.

All along the river bank
Where the water-crowfoot grow,
There are creatures scurrying back and forth,
Excited, they seem to know

On the winding waterway
The oarsman ploughs a furrow
As his canoe pushes swiftly homeward
As if there’s no tomorrow

Busy workers in the city
Run like ants, hither thither to and fro
They bump into each other, get up, say sorry
And then have another go

The lonely farmer in his tractor
Is going as fast as he can
But there is long meandering queue behind him
A lorry, several cars and a van

The postmistress in the village
Is suddenly rushed off her feet
As all her customers descend upon her
And buy stamps by the sheet

That is the cause of this frenetic activity?
What is the reason for all this fuss?
The word is on everyone’s lips
The word is Christmas

On the morning of Christmas Day
The children wake to feel weight on their feet
A stocking full of presents
With an orange or chocolates to eat

Soon the turkey is in the oven
And crackers on the table
Uncle Tom and Auntie Flo arrive
Along with cousin Mabel

But do not forget on this special day,
The homeless out in the cold
Or the people ill in hospital
Their stories need to be told

Pause for a moment to remember
To venture outside your door
And share with your fellow beings
Some time, food and drink and more

Shall we leave them to it now
And watch from some faraway star?
All the gaiety fun and laughter
On the best day of the year  - by far!

If I die today,
Where shall I be?
On a train or a bus?
Will it happen quickly?

Who will be with me?
Or shall I die alone?
What will they tell you?
When they call on the telephone?

It will be someone’s job
To take my body away
Someone kind I hope
If I die today.

I feel nervous now
I can hear them say the words
Both sad and happy
Like the songs of birds.

It is seventeen years now,
Since she died
Where did she go
Who was her guide?

It feels close now,
No pain I pray
For me or for you
If I die today

A dance of delight
Into the darkness of yesterday
A quick step off the edge of the world
All in the name of the games we play.

But I caught the bottle as it fell
And I shall catch this one too.
I am ready for the fight
As I look into the powder blue, the powder blue.

I shall guide you along the path,
Away from the murk and shadow into the light.
There is hope and joy and laughter
In the dance of delight

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.

What is death?
A doorway to another world,
Another existence?
No.
It is a command
To love my life;
Not for what it could be
Not for what it almost was
Not for what it used to be in the good old days.
No.
It is to ensure
That I love my life as it is
And, if I do not do so,
Then I must change
And recognise that
Each second, each minute,
Each moment
Is precious
And must not be wasted
On what life could be
Or on what life almost was
Or on what life used to be
In the good old days
Because these are the good days.
Now.

“Who are you?”
asked the mighty King,
As he watched the man
Kneel before him naked and in chains.

“I am what you might have been”
said the man.
“And what is that, may I ask?”
“I am a man free of obligation,
Free to walk about the country,
Without question,
Free to dance naked in the street”

“How are you able to do these things
What of your chains?”
enquired the king.
“It is because of these chains
That I have been given the opportunity
To do what I do”
answered the man
“I used to be like you;
A powerful monarch
Reigning over all that I saw before me”

The king thought for a while
And then he smiled
“I know what to do.
I shall free you from your chains
And allow you to continue as you always done”

“And what of you?” asked the man.
“I shall continue to do what I have always done” replied the king
“And what is that?”
“My duty”

“Would you not prefer to live like me?”
The king looked down at the man
As his chains were taken from him
“Too many questions” he said
“You are free  - go!”

I want to watch you,
As if you were alone.
I want to feel your desire
As if you were with another,
Not like me
Someone strong enough
To take control.
I want to hear you
As if I was far away.
I want to see you touch
As if I had never existed.
I want you to have everything
I cannot give you.
And I want to watch, feel, hear, see and understand it all
And after, I want to run away and hide.

A painful blow to the head
Brought me to my senses
About how I should write
These words and these verses.

Her voluminous purple skirt
Brushed gently over the grass,
Still crisp and dry in the night,
Still visible under its mask.

She looked through the window
And marvelled at the laughter
Then bent her head to the sky,
To consider the hereafter.

It sent a small shiver
Through that elegant frame;
Little did she suspect
That she would walk this way again.

Resurrection in name only;
Not so very odd.
She wrote the letter in pencil
And put her trust in God.

Not that our dear father
In heaven and all hallowed
Could have created such a man
With a soul so shallow.

Her sister said he had no heart
But when he broke down and cried
He showed some emotion
That she thought within him had died.

We are all found out,
Either by ourselves or by others;
Our minor misdemeanours
Or our secret lovers.

And when that hour arrives,
Either we shall be dying in bed
Or grateful that we suffered
A painful blow to the head.

I am an old man
Who lost his way
Lost the capacity to understand
Built on the foundations of shifting sand

I thought I had won
The battle and the war
But it seemed I had lost
All that I lived for?

So why , why do I whisper
These words in your ear?
What do I expect to achieve
What do I know, what do I believe?

I believe that I know you
I know that I believe
That you will listen to your friend
That this not how it will end.

I thought I had lost
The battle and the war
But I had won
A friend.
And what are friends for?

We talked for an hour,
She had a single tear below her eye
She wasn’t sad but astute
As she asked what and why

We were the pugilists,
She the referee,
It was no tear but a blemish,
An old injury.

I listened to you both,
Expressing your views,
And, in my silence,
I examined your shoes.

Then it was my turn;
I spoke what was true.
It was the truth I spoke
To her and to you.

Then our time was over,
No more debate,
No more apologizing in advance,
No more to relate.

So we stepped into tomorrow,
Now sure of what to do
And, look, I - I have fallen in love again
Unfortunately for you.

Oh, I want to **** her
Yes, I do,
I really do
Oh, I want to **** her
But I want to ******* too.

Oh, I want to kiss her,
Yes I do,
I really do
Oh, I want to kiss her
But I want to kiss you too.

Oh, I want to hold her hand
Yes, I do,
I really do.
Oh, I want to hold her hand
But I want to hold your hand too.

Oh, I want to speak to her,
Yes I do,
I really do
Oh, I want to speak to her
But I want to speak to you too.


Oh, I want to watch her walk by
Yes I do
I really do
Oh, I want to watch her walk by
But I want to watch you walk by too.

Oh.

She looked at me
I looked at her
Uncomprehending
We stared
Two creatures with no knowledge of each other’s way of life
She continued to peck and tear at the back of her prey
A polite pigeon
Who had the temerity, and strength, to carry its killer on its back
Looking in vain to escape.
The pigeon blinked, resigned to its fate as her talons gripped tighter
The beak dug deeper.
Death came and the eyes closed
Peacefully, quietly.
The snapping of the beak on bone the only sound.
She paused to **** on the pigeon’s wing
Then continued her meal stabbing into the back
And the neck
Her mouth thick with blood
She had killed for food
A cruelty unknown to we who shop for ours, leaving the killing to others
The image of death remained with me
The ripping, tearing of feathers, skin and bone
The stare of her yellow eyes empty of compassion, regret or guilt but full of ferocity of savagery
All taking places on a soft bed of fluff white and grey feathers
As other pigeons sat and watched and cooed
I scooped up the remains later
It was a headless carcass.
Without a soul
Without religion
Without those beautiful innocent blinking eyes

You said yes
And now I cannot wait
Until I see your smile
Feel your hands on my skin
Your breath on my face
What have you done to me?
Everything
What do you mean to me?
Everything
What do I want?
Everything.

You sat in the bar,
Close to me
Too close for comfort
You left with me
Wearing the green jacket
You wore that day
When you took off your clothes
And joined me in the sea
You said goodbye
I said see you soon
When you asked
Soon I said
I want to see you soon
I want to lie next to you
Too close for comfort
Naked in bed
It cannot be
It cannot be
It will have to remain
A fantasy

Follow me across fields
Whistle through flat leaves
While I spread blankets and honey

Follow me into blindness
As we stumble in our search
For elastic money

Follow the scratch of my pen
As it records stories of battles fought and forgiven

Follow me to the top of the tower
Leap into the empty air
Of heaven

Follow me in your blue dress and leave it next to mine  
Folded in sin

Follow me into the smoke of cigarettes
And watch as coins bounce and spin

Follow me and dance with one hand on your side
As fingers click.


Follow me and all this you shall see and hear
As the seconds tick

Follow me

Follow me

Follow me across fields
Whistle through flat leaves
While I spread blankets and honey

Follow me into blindness
As we stumble in our search
For **** and *****

Follow the scratch of my pen
As it records stories of battles fought and forgiven

Follow me to the top of the tower
Laugh into the empty air
Of heaven

Follow me in your blue dress and leave it next to mine  
Folded in sin

Follow me into the smoke of cigarettes
And watch as coins bounce and spin

Follow me and dance with one hand on your side
As fingers click.

Follow me and all this you shall see and hear
As the seconds tick

Follow me

I want to go back
I want to hold you in my arms
I want to hug you into my body
I want to kiss you on the hips
I want to whisper in your ear
I want to feel the curve of your back
I want to touch your eyelids
I wan to kiss your neck
I want to hold your breast in my hand
I want to stroke the inside of your elbow
I want to tickle the inside of your knee
I want to love you like I used to
I’m fed up with now
I want then
Not now and then
But always

Dressed in green and black,
The wool was soft
The colour, strong and vibrant,
Broken by a line of pearl-white buttons
From neck to waist
Fastened one by one,
Twixt finger and thumb.
The rest was black as the coal
Hewn deep under the earth,
Trousers, shoes, fingernails and hair,
And eyes, shining
Like dark hedonistic candles
From a clear, clean face.
I knew a girl who lived in Sheffield –
A city of factoring and steel.
(Do they still make knives and forks there?)
- a short distance from the Derbyshire woods,
Where once we walked
On blankets of moss and fallen leaves
One Autumn years ago,
Many years.
And now, as another Autumn approaches,
Here you are,
Dressed in green and black.

I want to lie on my floor
With you.
I want to talk to you
About Kings and Queens,
The castles they live in
The places they have seen.
I want suddenly to see in your eyes
The love that disappeared long ago
The love we no longer know.
I want you to want me to kiss your hips
To lick your lips
To sing you a song from a famous musical
And to confuse it all
With happiness.
Where does love go after it has been lost?
Does it squeeze between the books on a shelf
Is it lifted into the branches of a tree
Where it waits by itself
To drop on to a passer-by
Or does it disappear for ever
Like the beggar you no longer meet.
No.
It stays in your heart,
Standing in line
Waiting for the time
When we shall love again
Please spare me the pain
Let me die before you commit ******
I would have preferred a
More peaceful end
My friend
The moon, a river
A feather,
A pillow,
You,
And me.

They smiled their warm welcome,
I was safe, secure, again.
They held my hands firmly
They called me by my name

Called me back in time
To when I did not need to think
When I stood on the edge
They called me from the brink

This is the power I have lost;
No-one needs my advice.
Aviva cares for me,
Holds me in its tender vice.

I have no need to wriggle free;
Why should I want to leave?
It is only now in the dark
That for my loss I grieve.

I smile, I am happy
But I know nothing more.
I have lost the strength of the working man
I have shut my office door.

They smile, they are happy;
They keep me safe from harm,
They hold my hands tight,
They smother me with charm.

I smile, I am happy
But not as I used to be -
Then I was strong, human,
Living my life ruthlessly

I gave no thought to weakness
Neither yours nor mine
I smiled, I was happy,
In another time.

I WOKE TO THE SMELL OF ROSES
IT WAS SUNDAY
I WONDERED IF I WAS DEAD
AND THEN I BEGAN TO PRAY
NOT TO GOD OR ANY OTHER RELIGIOUS SYMBOL
BUT TO MYSELF    
FOR THAT IS WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
DEEP IN MY HEART
COVERED UP LIES, DECEIT AND ANGER
I PICK UP EACH ROTTING FRAGMENT
AND CAST IT TO ONE SIDE
SLOWLY AS I REVEAL MYSELF
THE VEIL LIFTS FROM MY EYES
I SEE A GLIMPSE, ONLY A GLIMPSE
OF THE TRUTH
NOW IT IS UP TO ME
TO DISCOVER
WHO I REALLY AM
ONLY THEN
WILL I DESERVE ANYONE’S LOVE
IT WOULD BE BEST IF IT WAS NEVER GIVEN OR SOUGHT
Because there are more worthwhile battles to be fought

Hi there,
l went swimming today,
ln the sea,
It was a day you would have liked,
A strong current,
A single wave rushing forward, crashing down ,
And the sun, the sun was just saying hello
From behind the high sleepy buildings on the shore,
The sky was the prettiest blue,
Daubed with white cloud edged with grey.
l did not tarry long in the water,
Long enough to taste the salt,
Long enough.
l dried myself with a yellow towel
And climbed up the beach,
As l stepped onto the pavement,
l looked up the street
And there you were,
A small shadowy figure on your bicycle,
Freewheeling down the hill
With a dog at your side.
I laughed out loud,
I blinked as I wiped my eyes,
l looked again
But there was no figure, no bicycle, no dog.
They had gone.
You had gone.
l walked home alone
And pictured you across the sea
Pulling open the curtains
To reveal the same sun,
Hearing young chatter from one bed and older yawns from another,
A wagging tail and stretch from a basket,
The smell of coffee from its bubbling metal jug.
Hi there.

I stepped on the cobbles

leading to your garden gate.

you stood up

in a blue dress

I returned your wave.

home,

I felt I was coming home.

we arrived at the gate at the same time.

your open face,

full of smiles and wonder,

greeted me.

I entered your house made of wood.

I entered your soul.

the floorboards creaked

it was as if the house was sighing.

we talked in circles

you pulled the curtain aside.

your dog was asleep.

the floor was covered in grey

I took off my clothes

you photographed me.

you put on your slip,

stood behind me

and clicked

then it was over.

you invited me to walk with you and your dog.

I declined.

I left,

I did not look back

until now.

I understand

everything,

but me.

A pipe stands
In the corner of a small courtyard
Bounded by a low wall
It overlooks a lawn
Which runs down to a pond
Filled with sticky lumps of frog spawn
Newts dart out from under leaves
And with slithery darts of their tongues
They catch and swallow their prey

The pond is cradled by a path
Which leads up to a thicket of oak trees
The fruit of which crumbles and crunches
Under our boots as we skip and jump
To the swings,
It is dusk now and with whoops of laughter
We run through the gate
Just before it is locked shut by the park keeper
Who smiles and says goodnight
Boiled eggs under felt cosys
Await with toasted, buttered soldiers
We chuckle at The Clitheroe Kid,
Oak leaves and grass stick to the bath
As the water gurgles away.
One by one each of us stands
On the wooden box next to the sink
Swaddled with warm towels
As we brush our teeth
I pull on my pyjamas
A song plays in my head
‘What do you want if you don’t want money?’
The sheets are cold but the heavy blankets bring warmth
And a sense of safety as the music in my head
Lulls me to sleep
“What do you want….
…if you don’t want dough?”

I wake in the night
My legs are stiff with age
I turn in my bed
And I remember
A tear drops on to my pillow
My body sinks as again sleep overtakes me
The dream is over now
But the song continues
“Wish you wanted my love baby…..”

In the morning,
I have forgotten that I was….
That I was……….where was it, now?
No, it’s gone.
Never mind,
One day, I may go there again