Who am I doing all this for,
Now that I am reaching the end?
I just want it to be quick;
No Huckleberry Friend.

I took you in my arms,
They knew your shape so well,
But I am not the man I was,
I am an empty shell.

I want to make a move
But you pat a message on my back,
So I stand easy
And wait for the dial to turn black.

I see ahead the end of the path;
There is nowhere else to go,
No cosy spot in which to rest,
I hope that it is not too slow.

Birds wheel and clatter in the air,
Dark against the morning sky,
I want to hear the applause,
Not listen to them cry.

Now that it is almost over,
I ponder what has gone before.
No answer to the question,
Who am I doing all this for?

I stepped on the cobbles

leading to your garden gate.

you stood up

in a blue dress

I returned your wave.

home,

I felt I was coming home.

we arrived at the gate at the same time.

your open face,

full of smiles and wonder,

greeted me.

I entered your house made of wood.

I entered your soul.

the floorboards creaked

it was as if the house was sighing.

we talked in circles

you pulled the curtain aside.

your dog was asleep.

the floor was covered in grey

I took off my clothes

you photographed me.

you put on your slip,

stood behind me

and clicked

then it was over.

you invited me to walk with you and your dog.

I declined.

I left,

I did not look back

until now.

I understand

everything,

but me.

I confess that I do not know
The way to get to where I am to go
But there will be light and darkness
And warriors and dancers
Who will know the music in my heart
That says that I love you.

I confess that I do not care
Which persons will be there
To mourn my final breath.
What is life but waiting for death?
What is life but a time to dare
To love you


I confess that I did not laugh
At the strange things that littered the path
Through the time which I have been given,
A time when all the answers were hidden
The answers to the question
Why do I love you?

I confess that I shall not cry
When I know that I am to die
Because then shall I know for sure
What lives in my deepest core;
It is the only thing that matters
The love I feel for you.

Gosh! So many possibilities!


..............so what are the probabilities?
That roses bloom in Summer
And fill a secret vase
Kept out of sight?
That the tide comes in and goes out
That we shout our names across the sand
As we lie together in the grass
And kiss each other on the ****?
Oh the farce of it all.
I think I am circling you
But you stand and watch from the outer wall
As I fail and fall (with grace)
One day we shall share a glance
Just one look in the direction of France,
C’est moi, say moi, says I
As I look up to the sky
And turn to the left, no to the right,
Look ahead, eyes closed, open, shut.
It is not enough,
We swing, we sway, we sing, we play
At the possibilities
Whilst the roses fade away
Only to rise again another summer’s day
And another
And another
And another…….

You sat in the bar,
Close to me
Too close for comfort
You left with me
Wearing the green jacket
You wore that day
When you took off your clothes
And joined me in the sea
You said goodbye
I said see you soon
When you asked
Soon I said
I want to see you soon
I want to lie next to you
Too close for comfort
Naked in bed
It cannot be
It cannot be
It will have to remain
A fantasy

I want to lie on my floor
With you.
I want to talk to you
About Kings and Queens,
The castles they live in
The places they have seen.
I want suddenly to see in your eyes
The love that disappeared long ago
The love we no longer know.
I want you to want me to kiss your hips
To lick your lips
To sing you a song from a famous musical
And to confuse it all
With happiness.
Where does love go after it has been lost?
Does it squeeze between the books on a shelf
Is it lifted into the branches of a tree
Where it waits by itself
To drop on to a passer-by
Or does it disappear for ever
Like the beggar you no longer meet.
No.
It stays in your heart,
Standing in line
Waiting for the time
When we shall love again
Please spare me the pain
Let me die before you commit ******
I would have preferred a
More peaceful end
My friend
The moon, a river
A feather,
A pillow,
You,
And me.

A rich carpet of blue silk
Stretches out before me.
It licks the shore like a lazy insistent lover.
I look down at my feet;
Their shape distorted by one ripple, then another.
I run my hand over my lumpen skull
Backwards, forwards, backwards, forwards
Until the thoughts settle and lie,
Until my heartbeat slows,
Until men in black pass by.
I look up into white clouds,
Kissed by the hidden sun.
A spider's web bounces in the breeze.
What madness we bring into this world!
What misguided passion!
Who cares? I do.
I smile whilst I can.
I am thinking,
Thinking, only of you.

Cold.
Wet.
We struggle a few yards.
We both want it to happen
And happen it does.
I cling to the grey rock
And arch my back
I turn around and grasp it again.
The wind blows
As you come in closer
You ask me to look around.
And then it is finished.
It is over.
But then the blue.
The simple, stately blue of my body and the rocks.
Arrives later, much later.
It has a majesty that is unsurpassed,

A painful blow to the head
Brought me to my senses
About how I should write
These words and these verses.

Her voluminous purple skirt
Brushed gently over the grass,
Still crisp and dry in the night,
Still visible under its mask.

She looked through the window
And marvelled at the laughter
Then bent her head to the sky,
To consider the hereafter.

It sent a small shiver
Through that elegant frame;
Little did she suspect
That she would walk this way again.

Resurrection in name only;
Not so very odd.
She wrote the letter in pencil
And put her trust in God.

Not that our dear father
In heaven and all hallowed
Could have created such a man
With a soul so shallow.

Her sister said he had no heart
But when he broke down and cried
He showed some emotion
That she thought within him had died.

We are all found out,
Either by ourselves or by others;
Our minor misdemeanours
Or our secret lovers.

And when that hour arrives,
Either we shall be dying in bed
Or grateful that we suffered
A painful blow to the head.

There is a part of him in you,
There is a part of him in me;
One wanted to live,
The other to be free.

Tell them all about me he asked
But I could never understand
This man who loved her,
Until I had spoken to the hand.

He told you what he was to do,
But he did not understand,
This man who loved you,
What lay in his hand.

If only they had waited
For each of us to grow;
If only they had waited
For each of us to know.

Both died by his own hand,
One held a cigarette, the other a gun,
She said lift your cap,
If you ever meet a nun.

And here we are the children,
I never smoked, you never fired a shot
Yet there is a part of him in us,
Which part? The part we knew not.

You have revisited his past;
Where he has stood, you stand.
I have written words;
Now we understand.

The tale of two fathers,
A tale of a girl and a boy,
A tale of friendship,
A tale of loss and joy.

There is a part of me in you,
There is a part of you in me.
Our fathers who art in heaven,
Hallowed be.

Swim
and
Dream,
Swim and dream….
My eyes, they are open but cannot see;
Yours are open like the petals of a rose.
You see clearly but why not I ?
You guide me,
Through the rushes which bend
Like Russian dancers,
This way, that way,
Over the rocks which seem to move
In the shifting sand;
Up to the light where naked limbs kick and struggle.
I blink in the sun;
I glance left and right,
I twist and turn,
You are gone.
I swim,
I dream,
Swim and dream….
And there you are,
Asleep on the sea bed.
Through a stream of bubbles I dive down
And you wake,
You smile,
I lean forward,
You laugh,
As the sun ***** you to the surface.
Your toes brush my fingers
As you climb past;
I follow,
We swim,
We dream,
Swim and dream….
Dream of the sound of shadows
To come .
What is that sound ?
It is nothing,
Nothing at all.

The feast was over.
I struggled to my feet,
Feeling strangely satisfied
With how little I had said at the table.
I had watched my children
Represent me, not with my knowledge
But with their own,
Gleaned from their experiences, not mine.
It was comforting to realise
How well they shall cope without me.
I sunk into the armchair,
The leather one by the fire,
I dreamed of knights in armour,
Fighting in a foreign wood.
I awoke to silence in my house;
No warriors here -
Only a mute stillness
Which demanded to be broken.
Slowly, I made my way
Into every room in my heart
And discovered each of them in turn,
Concerned in some important trivia.
They smiled as they were disturbed
And yet still no sound.
As I asked the question,
A soft call from a distant point
Grew louder, gently, gently.
I felt a hand on my shoulder;
I opened my eyes.
You.
It was you.

We shall meet under a lamp post,
You and I,
As in the old movies of another time.
No-one else shall be there,
To witness our conversation,
We shall draw our overcoats around us,
Against the cold and we shall hasten to
A pub and find seats beside the open fire.
We shall drink whisky
And talk as we have never done before,
Looking deep into each other’s eyes,
Full of understanding and love,
Another whisky, a double maybe,
Followed by stories of our youth,
Tales full of laughter and joy.
One more whisky for the road
And then we shall help each other
With our coats
And with a dramatic bow
And a shout of “All for one and one for all!”
We shall stagger giggling into the night leaning against each other.
We shall stop under the light of the lamp post
Where you will take hold of my lapels,
Draw me towards you and kiss my lips.
You shall smile and I shall smile.
“Au revoir, mon ami”
You shall say as I watch as you walk away.
You don’t look back,
Why should you?
You know all the answers now.
You shall wait patiently for your family to follow
And, until those days arrive,
You will visit them in their dreams,
With words of comfort and wisdom and wit,
Causing them to wonder how they can dream of sadness
And yet awake with a smile and a light heart.
You know.
You know that your body no longer has life
But you, the essence of you, will live forever
Fuelled by something which shall never die,
Needs no explanation – love.

They smiled their warm welcome,
I was safe, secure, again.
They held my hands firmly
They called me by my name

Called me back in time
To when I did not need to think
When I stood on the edge
They called me from the brink

This is the power I have lost;
No-one needs my advice.
Aviva cares for me,
Holds me in its tender vice.

I have no need to wriggle free;
Why should I want to leave?
It is only now in the dark
That for my loss I grieve.

I smile, I am happy
But I know nothing more.
I have lost the strength of the working man
I have shut my office door.

They smile, they are happy;
They keep me safe from harm,
They hold my hands tight,
They smother me with charm.

I smile, I am happy
But not as I used to be -
Then I was strong, human,
Living my life ruthlessly

I gave no thought to weakness
Neither yours nor mine
I smiled, I was happy,
In another time.

A pipe stands
In the corner of a small courtyard
Bounded by a low wall
It overlooks a lawn
Which runs down to a pond
Filled with sticky lumps of frog spawn
Newts dart out from under leaves
And with slithery darts of their tongues
They catch and swallow their prey

The pond is cradled by a path
Which leads up to a thicket of oak trees
The fruit of which crumbles and crunches
Under our boots as we skip and jump
To the swings,
It is dusk now and with whoops of laughter
We run through the gate
Just before it is locked shut by the park keeper
Who smiles and says goodnight
Boiled eggs under felt cosys
Await with toasted, buttered soldiers
We chuckle at The Clitheroe Kid,
Oak leaves and grass stick to the bath
As the water gurgles away.
One by one each of us stands
On the wooden box next to the sink
Swaddled with warm towels
As we brush our teeth
I pull on my pyjamas
A song plays in my head
‘What do you want if you don’t want money?’
The sheets are cold but the heavy blankets bring warmth
And a sense of safety as the music in my head
Lulls me to sleep
“What do you want….
…if you don’t want dough?”

I wake in the night
My legs are stiff with age
I turn in my bed
And I remember
A tear drops on to my pillow
My body sinks as again sleep overtakes me
The dream is over now
But the song continues
“Wish you wanted my love baby…..”

In the morning,
I have forgotten that I was….
That I was……….where was it, now?
No, it’s gone.
Never mind,
One day, I may go there again

There is a lone rider in the sky
I have never seen his face
But late at night,
I hear the ring of his spurs
As he urges his steed forward, forward.
He used never to be on his own
There used to be riders by the score
But his companions have disappeared, one by one
Until only this man and his horse remain
Listen.
I hear the ring of the spurs again
This time it falls more softly upon my ear
I look up
As the evening approaches
It is becoming darker
Not so easy to see
The lone rider in the sky
Listen.
There is no sound.
Look.
Both man and animal have gone.

Put away those thoughts,
Those thoughts of what could be,
Lock them in a cupboard,
Throw away the key.

This is as much a command to me
As it is a polite request to you.
Let us rewind the tape;
Let us start anew.

I regret the words I wrote,
Seduction is a crime,
It fractures beating hearts;
It would break yours and mine.

Let us draw back,
Not to hearts of stone
But to the purity of art,
Not skin and bone.

And when we meet again,
As we shall surely do,
You will smile at me
And I shall smile at you.

“Who are you?”
asked the mighty King,
As he watched the man
Kneel before him naked and in chains.

“I am what you might have been”
said the man.
“And what is that, may I ask?”
“I am a man free of obligation,
Free to walk about the country,
Without question,
Free to dance naked in the street”

“How are you able to do these things
What of your chains?”
enquired the king.
“It is because of these chains
That I have been given the opportunity
To do what I do”
answered the man
“I used to be like you;
A powerful monarch
Reigning over all that I saw before me”

The king thought for a while
And then he smiled
“I know what to do.
I shall free you from your chains
And allow you to continue as you always done”

“And what of you?” asked the man.
“I shall continue to do what I have always done” replied the king
“And what is that?”
“My duty”

“Would you not prefer to live like me?”
The king looked down at the man
As his chains were taken from him
“Too many questions” he said
“You are free  - go!”

I WOKE TO THE SMELL OF ROSES
IT WAS SUNDAY
I WONDERED IF I WAS DEAD
AND THEN I BEGAN TO PRAY
NOT TO GOD OR ANY OTHER RELIGIOUS SYMBOL
BUT TO MYSELF    
FOR THAT IS WHERE THE TRUTH LIES
DEEP IN MY HEART
COVERED UP LIES, DECEIT AND ANGER
I PICK UP EACH ROTTING FRAGMENT
AND CAST IT TO ONE SIDE
SLOWLY AS I REVEAL MYSELF
THE VEIL LIFTS FROM MY EYES
I SEE A GLIMPSE, ONLY A GLIMPSE
OF THE TRUTH
NOW IT IS UP TO ME
TO DISCOVER
WHO I REALLY AM
ONLY THEN
WILL I DESERVE ANYONE’S LOVE
IT WOULD BE BEST IF IT WAS NEVER GIVEN OR SOUGHT
Because there are more worthwhile battles to be fought

Dressed in green and black,
The wool was soft
The colour, strong and vibrant,
Broken by a line of pearl-white buttons
From neck to waist
Fastened one by one,
Twixt finger and thumb.
The rest was black as the coal
Hewn deep under the earth,
Trousers, shoes, fingernails and hair,
And eyes, shining
Like dark hedonistic candles
From a clear, clean face.
I knew a girl who lived in Sheffield –
A city of factoring and steel.
(Do they still make knives and forks there?)
- a short distance from the Derbyshire woods,
Where once we walked
On blankets of moss and fallen leaves
One Autumn years ago,
Many years.
And now, as another Autumn approaches,
Here you are,
Dressed in green and black.

I am sorry that I surprised you
But at the time I did not know
That you were one of them;
I did not know.

It may have been in my head,
This piece of information
But not yet in the right place
For dissemination.

This seems like a lame excuse;
It is not indeed to be,
My mind is struggling too,
Struggling to be free.

I am sorry that you were hurt
But glad you walked away.
It meant that in spite of it all,
You enjoyed a better day

It meant that you were further from me
But perhaps you did not care,
Perhaps it was a part of me
You were not eager to share.

I am sorry I surprised you,
I think I did not know
That you were one of them,
I did not know.

Oh, deep, dark night,
I have welcomed you as a friend;
Now you turn against me
With all your imperious power.
What have I done to deserve this torment?
Nothing.
A seed sown at birth
Is now in full bloom.
My country,
My country.
I touched your back
And remembered how it feels to hold you,
So comfortable.
So sure.
Now I couldn’t hold a feather,
Now I dribble **** down my legs,
Now I walk like an old man,
Now I can hardly write these miserable words.
No wonder you talk of former lovers,
A group of which I am now a member.
I am going to fight it all the way.
Oh deep dark night,
Let battle commence!

We meet in the night
And we talk of this and that,
Of people’s voices in the street,
Of such things we talk when we meet.

How fortunate we are to meet like this;
How blessed to have the company
Of someone whom we hold so dear,
Of someone whose loss it would be hard to bear.

Perhaps that is the deal we have to make
When we find true love;
Someone to meet, to love, to talk to, to lose
That is me and that is you.

We met once in the night
And we talked of this and that.
We were the voices in the street
How lucky we are to talk and meet.

We talked for an hour,
She had a single tear below her eye
She wasn’t sad but astute
As she asked what and why

We were the pugilists,
She the referee,
It was no tear but a blemish,
An old injury.

I listened to you both,
Expressing your views,
And, in my silence,
I examined your shoes.

Then it was my turn;
I spoke what was true.
It was the truth I spoke
To her and to you.

Then our time was over,
No more debate,
No more apologizing in advance,
No more to relate.

So we stepped into tomorrow,
Now sure of what to do
And, look, I - I have fallen in love again
Unfortunately for you.

When next I see you,
I shall say nothing
Not that I have nothing to say.

When next I see you,
I shall feel nothing
Not that I have nothing to feel.

I shall not let words or feelings
Interrupt our communion

When you were young,
I played with you,
I read to you,
I tucked you in.

When you were older
I spoke words you enjoyed
I expressed feelings you understood

But, no, I shall say nothing,
I shall feel nothing,
It may only last a moment.

It will mean everything

All along the river bank
Where the water-crowfoot grow,
There are creatures scurrying back and forth,
Excited, they seem to know

On the winding waterway
The oarsman ploughs a furrow
As his canoe pushes swiftly homeward
As if there’s no tomorrow

Busy workers in the city
Run like ants, hither thither to and fro
They bump into each other, get up, say sorry
And then have another go

The lonely farmer in his tractor
Is going as fast as he can
But there is long meandering queue behind him
A lorry, several cars and a van

The postmistress in the village
Is suddenly rushed off her feet
As all her customers descend upon her
And buy stamps by the sheet

That is the cause of this frenetic activity?
What is the reason for all this fuss?
The word is on everyone’s lips
The word is Christmas

On the morning of Christmas Day
The children wake to feel weight on their feet
A stocking full of presents
With an orange or chocolates to eat

Soon the turkey is in the oven
And crackers on the table
Uncle Tom and Auntie Flo arrive
Along with cousin Mabel

But do not forget on this special day,
The homeless out in the cold
Or the people ill in hospital
Their stories need to be told

Pause for a moment to remember
To venture outside your door
And share with your fellow beings
Some time, food and drink and more

Shall we leave them to it now
And watch from some faraway star?
All the gaiety fun and laughter
On the best day of the year  - by far!

Where do I go from here?
Floating down and standing tall.
Sinking without fear,
Pushing away from the wall.

Where do we go from here?
Circling each other on the border,
Never standing too near,
Never crossing the water.

Where do I go from here?
Deeper, longer, stronger than before
Holding on to a breath of air,
Longing for my feet to touch the floor.

Where do we go from here?
Down below or up above?
Maybe I should stay down there,
Waiting for you.

Before midnight, I slept quite well.
This filthy disease kept away
It suited me to shake hands and smile
And occasionally roll in the hay.

Then the daylight disappeared
And slowly darkness fell
I grew tired but I was spared
The ****** descent into Hell.

I pulled the curtains across
I locked the doors
I lived life at a loss
What was it all for?

Because soon enough it was night
Deep dark black skies
I no longer slept
Could not close my eyes

Now they are open
And I can see
What it is like to be broken
What it is like to be me

What is it like to be free?
Trapped in a world of my own?
What is it like to be me
Broken and alone?

****
****
****
****

Follow me across fields
Whistle through flat leaves
While I spread blankets and honey

Follow me into blindness
As we stumble in our search
For elastic money

Follow the scratch of my pen
As it records stories of battles fought and forgiven

Follow me to the top of the tower
Leap into the empty air
Of heaven

Follow me in your blue dress and leave it next to mine  
Folded in sin

Follow me into the smoke of cigarettes
And watch as coins bounce and spin

Follow me and dance with one hand on your side
As fingers click.


Follow me and all this you shall see and hear
As the seconds tick

Follow me

Whisper it in the breeze,
As it rushes through time;
Say it in the way you smile,
As you swallow your wine.

This gamut of emotions
Which teaches us each day,
Each hour, each minute to learn
How to kneel and to pray.

I found tonight true friendship,
So simple, so pure;
I discovered its hidden secret,
Its mysterious allure.

So come, follow me,
Come join the wars of the past.
Fill up those heaving body bags
Until it is over at last.

I am too tired to elucidate.
How much time is left to me?
All I can do is write these words
And count from one to three.

Whisper it in the breeze
As those who came before have done.
Say it in the way you smile,
As you swallow the crumb.

Take off my shoes, my socks,
My crumpled suit and tie.
Begin to play as we used
When we had no need to die.

The feast was over,
I struggled to my feet
Feeling strangely satisfied
With how little I had said at the table.
I had watched my children
Represent me, not with my knowledge
But with their own,
Gleaned from their experiences, not mine.
It was comforting to realise
How well they shall cope without me.
I sunk into the armchair,
The leather one by the fire,
I dreamed of knights in armour
Fighting in a foreign wood.
I awoke to silence in my house;
No warriors here -
Only a mute stillness
Which demanded to be broken.
Slowly, I made my way
Into every room in my heart
And discovered each of them in turn,
Concerned in some important trivia.
They smiled as they were disturbed
And yet still no sound.
As I asked the question,
A soft call from a distant point
Grew louder, gently, gently.
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I opened my eyes.
You.
It was you.

I met this guy,
I had seen him before.
He was tall, quite slim,
And he smiled; he smiled at the door.

He showed me his house,
The tiles on the floor,
I wanted to ***,
And he smiled at the door.

He told me to stand
He liked what he saw
Well, he said he was pleased
As he smiled at the floor.

He photographed me
He asked me for more,
I took off my shirt
And he smiled - what for?

I said I must go,
I thought he was bored.
But he held my hand tight
And he smiled like before

By the time I got home,
It was almost past four,
As I turned the key,
I smiled; I smiled at the door.

I dreamed I lived in China
The old China as it used to be
In a village in a fertile valley
Now buried by the River Yangtze

My father was a fisherman
He would go out in his boat at night
He would throw a line into the water
And wait for the fish to bite

I grew up and worked hard at school
I wanted to become a scientist
I had no interest in girls
At sixteen I had never been kissed

However one day I met my future wife
I saw her swimming naked in the river
I watched her dry and get dressed
Before making myself known to her

She was bold and she was beautiful
And much more interesting than chemistry
Soon we were swimming naked together
In the river and in the sea

We courted through university
And then married at half past three
In a garden full of lotus blossom
Beneath a magnolia tree

A year later she became very ill
And died in my arms in our bed
With her last breath she said to me
That she wanted to be buried in red

I found a cloth of deep scarlet
And wrapped it round her gently
Then I lifted up her tiny body
And carried her into the sea

The fish welcomed us to their world
And a part of it we shall forever be
This is my dream of China
The old China as it used to be

I lie here in the dark
The cool morning air dries my skin
Moist after the sweaty night
I want a body next to me
Preferably yours
Just someone else who accepts me as I am
Crippled and trembling
With fear and with rejection
I am apart from everyone else
Sure, they are very kind to me now that I am no longer normal
They mean well
But I want them to mean more
I no longer have the confidence
To flirt, to beguile, to make people laugh
Oh I can raise the odd eyebrow
I tell a story
Probably the same one again and again
And they indulge me
Yes this is a form of self-pity
Not very attractive I know
But I have only myself to relate to now
I am the outsider
That people welcome into their lives
And say how amazing I am
And then they go home to their normal family,
So I lie here in the dark
Naked with myself
I brush my hands over my skin
And sometimes it feels good
And sometimes it doesn’t
I’m ****** basically
I am waiting for the sea to warm up
So that I can envelope myself in its silky charms
But I am afraid that even the sea will say no to me
Sorry chum but you’re just not up to it any more
You are an outsider

I want to watch you,
As if you were alone.
I want to feel your desire
As if you were with another,
Not like me
Someone strong enough
To take control.
I want to hear you
As if I was far away.
I want to see you touch
As if I had never existed.
I want you to have everything
I cannot give you.
And I want to watch, feel, hear, see and understand it all
And after, I want to run away and hide.

What is death?
A doorway to another world,
Another existence?
No.
It is a command
To love my life;
Not for what it could be
Not for what it almost was
Not for what it used to be in the good old days.
No.
It is to ensure
That I love my life as it is
And, if I do not do so,
Then I must change
And recognise that
Each second, each minute,
Each moment
Is precious
And must not be wasted
On what life could be
Or on what life almost was
Or on what life used to be
In the good old days
Because these are the good days.
Now.

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.

A dance of delight
Into the darkness of yesterday
A quick step off the edge of the world
All in the name of the games we play.

But I caught the bottle as it fell
And I shall catch this one too.
I am ready for the fight
As I look into the powder blue, the powder blue.

I shall guide you along the path,
Away from the murk and shadow into the light.
There is hope and joy and laughter
In the dance of delight

If I die today,
Where shall I be?
On a train or a bus?
Will it happen quickly?

Who will be with me?
Or shall I die alone?
What will they tell you?
When they call on the telephone?

It will be someone’s job
To take my body away
Someone kind I hope
If I die today.

I feel nervous now
I can hear them say the words
Both sad and happy
Like the songs of birds.

It is seventeen years now,
Since she died
Where did she go
Who was her guide?

It feels close now,
No pain I pray
For me or for you
If I die today

I cannot explain to myself
What you have done to me
But I feel -I feel the connection,
Across the land, across the sea.

I wonder, as I wander,
Do you feel the same as me?
Can you feel it too
Across the land and the sea?

No, you are “almost young”
And I am old,
It is the child inside
That has taken hold.

That child longs for affection,
All he wants is to lie next to you,
Watch you smile;
That is all he wants to do.

What have you done,
To induce me to write such things?
What have you done?
Nothing. Everything.

We speak the same language,
You and I,
When we are sad, we smile,
When we are happy, we cry.

I leaned against a wall,
Concrete, smooth, grey,
You pressed the shutter,
The first of the day.

We walked across stones
To my beautiful sea,
Full of strength and purpose,
Just like you and me.

I found a stone at my feet,
Coloured with veins of blue,
It was the perfect gift,
A gift from me to you

Then you said farewell,
With a tear upon your cheek,
A sign of the fulfillment,
That constantly we seek.

We speak the same language,
There is no denial,
When we are sad, we cry,
When we are happy, we smile.

The wheels are turning.
Beads of sweat are dripping down my back.
The question is hurting
Why is there a monkey in the sack?

Deconstructed by disease,
I leave you lying there on your back
Must I do as I ****** well please
Why is there a monkey in the sack?

Why is a monkey there at all?
What are you trying to say?
I lean back and scratch the wall
Perhaps I should take the blame

The wind is letting loose
There is electricity in the sky
Nowhere is there shelter
Why I cannot even fly

Deconstructed by medication
I find you there lying on your back
I ask simply but with trepidation
Why is there a monkey in the sack?

Why is a monkey there at all?
Is it deliberate elaboration?
I read the word beneath the frame
The answer is Mitigation

10.30pm.
I am alone in my room,
All is quiet ,
All is calm
All I want to do is write,
Write words,
Write words to you
To continue our conversation,
To continue our connection,
To continue our understanding.
But words are not enough;
I want to see you
So, I close my eyes on the day
And there you are.
I am no longer alone.

3am.
Where are you?
Oh, there you are.
Slowly you emerge from the dark,
Your smile is like a torch
The flames of which lick and fizz.
You speak to me;
Your voice is like a violin,
Plaintive, yearning, lost.
We dance in the torch light
Until slowly we fall into slumber,
You, where you are
And I where I am.

Empty,
Full of hope,
Not yet born.
A second heart beats waiting to say hello
You dread saying goodbye.
Why did it have to happen?
She cried.
I lay down beside her on her bed
But she did not want me there.
She could not fathom
The reason for death.
There is no reason
Other than to help us love life more than we do.
What do you think?
Blue or pink?
Alive or Dead?
Living within you,
You will never lose this time
This dangerous gift of love,
This precarious gift of life,
Breathe in,
Breathe out,
Hope. Love.
Again,
In, out,
In out.
In.
Out.

In


Out




in




out…..

Follow me

Follow me across fields
Whistle through flat leaves
While I spread blankets and honey

Follow me into blindness
As we stumble in our search
For **** and *****

Follow the scratch of my pen
As it records stories of battles fought and forgiven

Follow me to the top of the tower
Laugh into the empty air
Of heaven

Follow me in your blue dress and leave it next to mine  
Folded in sin

Follow me into the smoke of cigarettes
And watch as coins bounce and spin

Follow me and dance with one hand on your side
As fingers click.

Follow me and all this you shall see and hear
As the seconds tick

Follow me

I see you in my dreams,
A white body in the water,
Your legs close to mine
Almost (but not quite) touching my knee.

I think back to the day
You came to your door,
Still wearing the warmth and stickiness of sleep
Which almost (but not quite) melts into me.

I wish I did not feel this way
But I do not seem able to stop.
Maybe winter will cool my ardour,
A question of almost (but not quite) wait and see.

I kissed your lips last night,
Almost drowned in cushions of flesh.
Should I avoid these somehow?
I wish almost (but not quite) that I could let it be.

I realise it cannot happen
The way I want it to be.
For all my so called liberation,
I am almost (but not quite) free.

My head and heart are in the ascendancy
But my body is in thrall to the drugs.
My diseased brain is at fault;
I am almost (but not quite) the real me.

When next I see you,
I shall say nothing
Not that I have nothing to say.

When next I see you,
I shall feel nothing
Not that I have nothing to feel.

I shall not let words or feelings
Interrupt our communion

When you were young,
I played with you,
I read to you,
I tucked you in.

When you were older
I spoke words you enjoyed
I expressed feelings you understood

But, no, I shall say nothing,
I shall feel nothing,
It may only last a moment.

It will mean everything

Hi there,
l went swimming today,
ln the sea,
It was a day you would have liked,
A strong current,
A single wave rushing forward, crashing down ,
And the sun, the sun was just saying hello
From behind the high sleepy buildings on the shore,
The sky was the prettiest blue,
Daubed with white cloud edged with grey.
l did not tarry long in the water,
Long enough to taste the salt,
Long enough.
l dried myself with a yellow towel
And climbed up the beach,
As l stepped onto the pavement,
l looked up the street
And there you were,
A small shadowy figure on your bicycle,
Freewheeling down the hill
With a dog at your side.
I laughed out loud,
I blinked as I wiped my eyes,
l looked again
But there was no figure, no bicycle, no dog.
They had gone.
You had gone.
l walked home alone
And pictured you across the sea
Pulling open the curtains
To reveal the same sun,
Hearing young chatter from one bed and older yawns from another,
A wagging tail and stretch from a basket,
The smell of coffee from its bubbling metal jug.
Hi there.

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.

"When shall we stop looking at women?"
Asked my friend.
As another came into view,
I hoped
That we had not stared
Too much, too long, too anything.
Educated, sincere, honest,
No-one should vilify his roving eye.
Later, as we sat eating,
The beauty parade continued;
We were polite, gracious, complimentary.
I walked through the tables,
The thin waitress caught my eye - the other one -
I returned her smile.
We left for home, my friend and I
To take to our beds,
Each of us alone,
Without enjoying the touch of another's flesh
Words of innocence,
A song of joy.
We had come into the world with nothing,
Only to lose everything.
"The day we die" I replied.