My skin is old
My hair is grey
My speech is impaired
When I read the cricket scores in the paper
I am a boy again.
That boy
Who had no idea
What life would look like at 70
My tweed coat is motheaten
My stomach bulbous
My sister has been dead for 25 years
Is that all there is?
No, wait – there is so much
I listen to songs
We played when we were almost young
Young women look so pretty
Older women look so pretty
Old women look as old as they are
I cannot whistle
I cannot ******
I cannot stand and ***
I cannot sing
The songs of my youth
Which have become the anthems of my old age
But, I can think
I can stand on one leg,
I can eat from a spoon
I can read words
I can write them too
I am a boy of 70
That boy
Who has no idea

Hi
Hi
Hello
How did you sleep?
Ok
Badly
The only thing you done was yesterday
How did you sleep?
Alright
Not very well
I was thinking….
Mm?
Not interested
That……
Mm?!
Still not interested
Never mind
I want to say it
What?
Spit it out
Spit it out so I can wipe it up and throw it away
How much I love you
Please don’t sigh and say you love me too
Sigh - I love you
Too?
Don’t sigh again.
What?
Yes - too - sigh
You should see someone
And talk to them not me
Like that woman I saw before?
Counsellor, date, *******?
Yes maybe
Losing interest again
Give someone a ring
Who?
A friend, sister, brother
I don’t know
A friend, sister, brother
Please don’t cry
I’m not crying by the way
I’ve got something in my eye
It’s called a tear
Good.

My darling, my blood
Consider this
A man’s shadow
Falls across your path
It is unexpected
But it is not a surprise
It fits.
You bear his children
There is a pattern to life
But then one day
You are shopping, dancing
I don’t know
You look down
And you recognize the path
This time it is shadow free
So you take a step forward
It feels like flying
You glance behind
To see your hair blowing
Your dress billowing
The breeze cools your bare skin
It is wonderful
You smile
You laugh,
You cry
You shout
You sing
You dance
You look
You glance
You meet others on the way
Strangers who become friends
Friends who become strange
You are young
You make mistakes
You are old
You make more
You die
You live forever
Consider all this
Write it down
On scraps of paper
Throw them into the flames
Names, titles, curses, prayers all
Watch them curl and blacken
And come to their rest
It is alright
It is settled
Do not be afraid

My darling

My love

There are shadows in my life,
Dark places where secrets lie,
Waiting to be uncovered.
But there is no shadow
Without the spark of a match, the glow of a torch,
The blaze of a fire,
The flick of a switch
There is no secret in an open heart,
Some breathe in the fetid air of the dark,
Where there is no light, no shadow, no hope.
Others want to escape, to joy and delight.
I have no secrets from you,
No desires unexpressed, nothing hidden.
You know it all.
You know that when next we meet,
We shall feel as if we are naked
We shall lie together and talk and laugh,
You will light a candle and photograph the shadows I make on the wall
They will look like sprites
They will sound like the wings of birds.
There will be no shame, no blame, no guilt, no despair, no regret,
Only the secret of friendship.

You said yes
And now I cannot wait
Until I see your smile
Feel your hands on my skin
Your breath on my face
What have you done to me?
Everything
What do you mean to me?
Everything
What do I want?
Everything.

A violin plays
I drink some water
I sing a song in my head
As I imagine her in my arms
I stroke the sleeve of her cardigan
I have broken my promise
But she doesn’t seem to mind
She smiles
I dare myself to kiss her head
The moment passes
But like an off beat, strangely the time is right
She mms
But I let her go
She dances across the kitchen floor
To a hidden tune
I feel self conscious as I dance too
Someone calls on the phone
Neither of us answer
She begins to cry
I yearn to wrap her in my arms
I cannot
She looks at me
I look at her
Then I leave the room
I sit in the dark
With my glass in my hand
I know that she will not join me
I can still hear her dancing
On her own
As I sit on my own
And as I let sadness pour out of me
A violin plays

I look at the shapes
Of what I think I desire
They stare back
As gaping holes
I would spell it out for you
Only I cannot smell
I come away with an empty purse
Bereft even of the simplistic morality of youth
My youth, in which my past
Was short and indistinct
My future, romantic and unknown
And my present, documented but misunderstood
I walk alone amongst the crowds
A stranger to them all
It is a beautiful night
For some
For someone
But for me therein lies danger
And fear
Fear of the putridity of what lies below the surface
A foulness that even I cannot disinter
I am lost in a wilderness of goodness and honesty
For which I yearn each and every day.