The feast was over,
I struggled to my feet
Feeling strangely satisfied
With how little I had said at the table.
I had watched my children
Represent me, not with my knowledge
But with their own,
Gleaned from their experiences, not mine.
It was comforting to realise
How well they shall cope without me.
I sunk into the armchair,
The leather one by the fire,
I dreamed of knights in armour
Fighting in a foreign wood.
I awoke to silence in my house;
No warriors here -
Only a mute stillness
Which demanded to be broken.
Slowly, I made my way
Into every room in my heart
And discovered each of them in turn,
Concerned in some important trivia.
They smiled as they were disturbed
And yet still no sound.
As I asked the question,
A soft call from a distant point
Grew louder, gently, gently.
I felt a hand on my shoulder
I opened my eyes.
You.
It was you.

I met this guy,
I had seen him before.
He was tall, quite slim,
And he smiled; he smiled at the door.

He showed me his house,
The tiles on the floor,
I wanted to ***,
And he smiled at the door.

He told me to stand
He liked what he saw
Well, he said he was pleased
As he smiled at the floor.

He photographed me
He asked me for more,
I took off my shirt
And he smiled - what for?

I said I must go,
I thought he was bored.
But he held my hand tight
And he smiled like before

By the time I got home,
It was almost past four,
As I turned the key,
I smiled; I smiled at the door.

I dreamed I lived in China
The old China as it used to be
In a village in a fertile valley
Now buried by the River Yangtze

My father was a fisherman
He would go out in his boat at night
He would throw a line into the water
And wait for the fish to bite

I grew up and worked hard at school
I wanted to become a scientist
I had no interest in girls
At sixteen I had never been kissed

However one day I met my future wife
I saw her swimming naked in the river
I watched her dry and get dressed
Before making myself known to her

She was bold and she was beautiful
And much more interesting than chemistry
Soon we were swimming naked together
In the river and in the sea

We courted through university
And then married at half past three
In a garden full of lotus blossom
Beneath a magnolia tree

A year later she became very ill
And died in my arms in our bed
With her last breath she said to me
That she wanted to be buried in red

I found a cloth of deep scarlet
And wrapped it round her gently
Then I lifted up her tiny body
And carried her into the sea

The fish welcomed us to their world
And a part of it we shall forever be
This is my dream of China
The old China as it used to be

I lie here in the dark
The cool morning air dries my skin
Moist after the sweaty night
I want a body next to me
Preferably yours
Just someone else who accepts me as I am
Crippled and trembling
With fear and with rejection
I am apart from everyone else
Sure, they are very kind to me now that I am no longer normal
They mean well
But I want them to mean more
I no longer have the confidence
To flirt, to beguile, to make people laugh
Oh I can raise the odd eyebrow
I tell a story
Probably the same one again and again
And they indulge me
Yes this is a form of self-pity
Not very attractive I know
But I have only myself to relate to now
I am the outsider
That people welcome into their lives
And say how amazing I am
And then they go home to their normal family,
So I lie here in the dark
Naked with myself
I brush my hands over my skin
And sometimes it feels good
And sometimes it doesn’t
I’m ****** basically
I am waiting for the sea to warm up
So that I can envelope myself in its silky charms
But I am afraid that even the sea will say no to me
Sorry chum but you’re just not up to it any more
You are an outsider

I want to watch you,
As if you were alone.
I want to feel your desire
As if you were with another,
Not like me
Someone strong enough
To take control.
I want to hear you
As if I was far away.
I want to see you touch
As if I had never existed.
I want you to have everything
I cannot give you.
And I want to watch, feel, hear, see and understand it all
And after, I want to run away and hide.

What is death?
A doorway to another world,
Another existence?
No.
It is a command
To love my life;
Not for what it could be
Not for what it almost was
Not for what it used to be in the good old days.
No.
It is to ensure
That I love my life as it is
And, if I do not do so,
Then I must change
And recognise that
Each second, each minute,
Each moment
Is precious
And must not be wasted
On what life could be
Or on what life almost was
Or on what life used to be
In the good old days
Because these are the good days.
Now.

Go to sleep my darling
And let me wander through the night,
Looking for the answers,
Looking for what is right.

Allow me to stumble
Upon your dreams both dark and bright,
Then leave me on my own,
To wander through the night.

I have seen what is wrong,
As it changed me in your eyes,
I have seen all too clearly,
The sweet and bitter prize.

So when you awake
From your travels both far and near,
Call me, my darling,
Overcome your fear.

The fear of failing
To understand the black and the white,
The fear of looking,
And finding what is right.

Go to sleep my darling.
Fear not, I know now what is right.
It is you, my love,
You, you are my light.