The cross written in my hand

                               F
                               O
                               R
                    P  L  E  A  S  E
                               G
                                I
                             ­  V
                               E
                               M
                               E

    For the crimes I have committed

On the  bus, on the bus, we have places to go, things to do, on the bus on the bus lets go.
We shove each other  on in to and fro impatient still without coffee.
We do many things on the bus.
We sleep; some snore, some don't.
We look at each other waiting for someone to dare try talking to them.
We say hello rarely, it sets suspicions lower.
Some read, most don't.
Some do their makeup. Really only one.
Some forget to change for work, the rest don't.
We have small talk that leads into mumbling, then falls into sleep.
45 minutes later we arrive at our location and one by one we get off the bus.
Tired, hungry, needing coffee, we do the whole thing over the next day.  
Off the bus, off the bus, we have places to go, things to do, off the bus off the bus lets go.

I sit with my family,
Except for one,
We plan the future,
Even though it's 3 am

We all can't sleep,
We all won't sleep,
So we have coffees and chat,
Avoiding the obvious question,

Why,
We talk about everything but,
The knot in my throat grows as I see the family look defeated,

The future changes here,
But we're to distracted to talk,
I open my mouth,
Air escapes,

I say nothing and we sit around,
They begin to leave in silence,
Their actions prophesies to the future,
Alone here left to support the victim,
Alone in the future left to support them all,

I am done,
I give up,
I hate your words,
I hate your looks,
Mocking me every time you smile,
I hate when you talk to me,
I'd rather hear nothing than yours,
I'll probably regret saying that soon enough,
But not now.

The end is nearing my friend,
When the end comes do not be alarmed,
I will embrace it with open arms,
If it so wishes me to do so,

I won't resist it's powers,
Nor can I resist it's powers,
When the end comes I won't tell anyone,
Because it is the end of my story,

So what is there to tell if it's the end,
Nothing,
Yet there was no reason for a beginning,
When my life had no beginning in the first place,

So brother,
So sister,
I'll leave you to tell my story when the end comes,

When the end comes for me,
Hopefully the living will forgive me.

Time has a tendency to feel like forever and pass by in a second,
13 years have passed since I left last,
Standing in the doorway one last time,
I reminisce as I sit on the floor of my empty room,
Small details I remembered just a few moments ago have begun to blur,

I smile as I look at the pencil marks on the door increasing in height as the years past,
I promised that I wouldn’t cry,
This house,
No; this home,
Helped mold me into the person I am,

The outlines of our hands and the hands of those before us line the crawl space walls,
Marking our place in the homes history,
A spot has been left for the next hands,
So that they to can add to the history,

The family portraits that line the hallways,
Now bare empty holes,
The photos packed away,
Just a memory of what once was,

The kitchen once filled with aromas,
Smells of nothing now,
Thirteen Christmas dinners prepared,
All wiped away with a new coat of paint,

This home I have loved,
And was filled with love has moved away,
So must I,
I say goodbye and thank you,

My thoughts begin to wander,
I begin to shake uncontrollably,
I'm terrified of my thoughts,
The images that I think about,

The music,
I turn it off,
It's stopped working,
The relief isn't there anymore,

Fear begins to set in,
As I grasp onto to the last hold of control,
I become the enemy as my body just wants to let go,
To float in a world of carelessness,

I sit down and just let my thoughts consume me,
My body shakes and I let it,
Μy mind shows the facts of death,
My death,

I'll think of the places where the blood will drip out if I were to hang upside down,
I'll imagine someone would see the pool of blood on the floor and I would be forgiven,

I'll imagine that I'm watching a baby no more then a few weeks old,
Being murdered in the hands of the doctor and priest baptizing the drowned child,
And I'll laugh in a courtroom,
As the jury and judge stare in disbelief and horror as the conviction is read in their eyes,

The judgement is of all society,
My mind begins to collapse under the stares and verdict,
Guilty,

I'll think about how they'll condemn me to death,
Will it be swift,
Or will I suffer to be forgiven,
I have gone to deep,
I've become interested and I begin to want to go farther in my thoughts,

As I fall through the trapdoor of thought ,
I attempt to to grab onto anything,
But the walls I fall with are bare,
This hole is endless,

But I've reached the end early.

My heart yearns to be heard,
In a crowd of like minded people,
Yet I silence my feelings,
No one cares,
No one understands,

Why do I feel alone in a crowd,
I am social on the media,
I am connected to thousands of people,
But I feel close to no one,

Like this,
Share that,
I fail to understand how it is,
The more friends,
The less I have,

My followers acknowledge my existence,
They comment their thoughts,
But that is all,

I post to be noticed,
Even if it’s just a glance,
The taste of friendship is deceiving,
The first sample is always free,

Then the loneliness begins to settle in,
You cry out for a friend,
They comment their friendship,

Yet no one will come to the rescue,
To busy with their friendless followers,
But don’t worry about me,
Because loneliness is the closest friend to me.

Do you see the beauty in fire that burns the bodies of those so tragically lost.
They scream as flames lick at their faces,
The reflection of the colours dancing on their glazed lifeless eyes.
The flames change colours as it consumes them,
The smells that arise from the pile is deliciously fresh,
They roast as I await my turn and soon so shall you.
To be burned in the ever stirring light of the fire that fills our day.

The sun

Today in the game,
It shall be decided,
Society shall pick a winner,
The choice is clear,

Those who have the slightest issues,
They shall never be picked,
Those who pretend to defy the rules shall be saints,
Those who try to be perfect ,
They shall never achieve their dream,
In the game,

It is a fight to the death,
No matter who you are,
No matter who you thought you were,
You shall never win,
Nor will anyone else,
Society will always find your flaws.

You will call everyday,
You will come to the house everyday when your not working,
You will not have friends over at your apartment,
Especially on a school night,
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!

yes

You are so irresponsible,
I should have you come back to the house and live with your mommy, would you like that?

no

I would make your life hell wouldn't I?

no

As I speak to my mother on the phone my pride in being independent has been torn away from me, like a **** victims clothes,

They nurture their community,
Ensuring that they won't abandon them,
Money is what they need,
Greed they never have enough of,
We believe in structure and order,
Without order there is nothing,
So we make the commandments,
Set the people straight,
And keep their ***** minds in check,
We will never break apart,
Give us your money,
More,
There are less people, why?
Who knows, give me more to compinsate for their abandonment,
Don't follow the others you'll have no friends,
You'll go to hell,

I feel like I fail every time I trip,
I feel like I am being watched by society,
As if I were the victim of a prank show,

Every time I step out I collapse under the pressure of my anxiety,
I cut my hair so every one will judge me with a mask I can finally wear,
While the universe inside that is my identity begins to implode on itself,
As the weight of the masks are too much,

So may the realities of our failures collide as we share our faults,
Maybe they'll create a black hole and every thing we have ever feared will have vanished,

The lies that are brought to the table to nourish your family for another day,
There is pride, your wife. The one you hold dearest,
There is Ego your son,
Then there is gamble, your daughter,
And then there is the dog that hates you but loves everyone else,
Truth,

As you sit at the table Pride beams as you tell another story,
In her mind she wonders what actually happened,

You begin to slice the juicy ham of victory perfectly glazed with a hint of devilish intent,
And you pass a piece of ham around the table,
Truth begs but you kick him away,

Next the mashed potatoes fluffy with dreams ,
As the peas come around they fall and Truth gobbles them up off the floor,
A reminder of the money spent on each pea,

Finally the carrots , boiled to perfection with anger and regret,

The room goes quiet as you lead the family in saying grace,
Truth begins to bark,
You tell him to shut up but he barks louder,
You kick him, but you miss as he bites your leg,
You bleed the lies and you cry ,
For all of that effort to feed your family was for nothing,
So Pride, Ego, and Gamble turn to ashes as you pick up truth and walk away,

The line from society,
Has been blocked by a fence,
But this fence is different,
This fence is a protector,
The fence is a friend,
The fence even looks a little different,
The fence is blue, purple, red, yellow, and green,
And it's squiggly and not straight,
The fence is a blockade ,
From my house to society.

To be is to die,
To die is to understand,
But only to the extent of what we the living understand.

I sit here wondering the meaning of life through the expression of religion,
I'm trying to define multiple things at once that are far more complex to just "define".
I like to do it,
It distracts me from reality,
As I sit here in this Eastern Catholic Church, mesmerized by the somber feel of tradition, the way the priest sways the incense to the sad slow rhythm of the singing choir. How every word is sang not said as it ruins the holy gift. Not many people come here anymore, to long for their busy lives. My favourite time to come is Good Friday, when you walk through the entrance this unexplainable amount of emotions hit you, you feel so sad you know why you feel sad, but yet you can't explain why, this "religious" feeling fills me and I am swept up by it. In this bath of emotions I wonder about other religions, what is their most somber time in their religious calendar. I want to explore them and feel the pain, humbleness, holiness, power, and agony that is so strongly expressed that even though I may not understand that religion I am captivated and stirred with emotions. That is feeling religion, but if I was to feel such emotion then I then would want to understand it. Thus further opening my eyes to the meaning of religion, or at least being able to grasp or better define the human explanation for religion.

The possibilities are endless,
Unless your me,
I lye here alone in this empty cold room of depression,
I think I have a chance in hell to make something out of myself,
Maybe a *******, no that's setting my goals to high,
Maybe if I hope...
Why?

There was a man,
No one payed heed too,
They would walk by unknowing, uncaring,
They walked by him everyday,
Until they saw him stand on a stage,
They heard him talk,
They listened to what he said and passed it on,
Soon the man was famous in the world,
Soon the man was voted,
Soon this man would become the president,
Soon the man would change the world.

The flame flickers,
I think about it harder,
O the ideas,
The flame is so bright,
It is not evil,
I just sparked an idea,
And now you can see the flame in my eyes.

If we the young are the future,
And we the young are supposed to be individuals,
With individual minds and bodies,
How can we do this,
If we the young are supposed to be spreading equality and unity,
How can I be different,
When I am told not to stand out of the crowd and told to hold my tongue,

How can  future generations learn about truth and honesty when their entire lives are being constructed upon lies, brought to in part by Society,

In our Western society you are either White or something else,
There is no middle ground,
And wether you succeed or not is determined by the colour of your skin,
How can I tell my child or their children that all people are born equally and have an equal opportunity in society just the same as everyone else,
While the Muslims are banned,
The Latino’s are kicked out,
While African Americans are stuck in a cycle of discrimination,
HOW!
HOW CAN I CONTINUE LIVING A LIE OF EQUALITY!
I will say that I stand by women that suffer who suffer with harassment or abuse,
But a part of my mind tickles and I hate it because it changes my perspective on women in the sec status,
I am white,
I have the best possibilities laid out in front of me,
On polished marble floor, in a mansion,
I call my self privileged,
I hate it but I ignore what people tell me,

All of my new personal poems were inspired by my sister,
She won't read any of them though. Anyway I still experience these things but on a molecular level compared to her and she inspires me to write about how things effect me.
So thanks sis....
(I don't know why I'm adding this because she's not going to read it anyway).

She showers me in gifts and stories,
My dad sits alone,
My dad told me that it's good to cry sometimes,
My mom tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself,

I'll cry,
Not for myself but for the war that has begun,
My mothers army includes the guns of exaggeration and gifts,

My dad brings forth solitude and destiny,
She'll fire her guns as my dad does nothing,
I sit in no mans land and ponder the future,
I silence the noises outside to concentrate on my... the thoughts in my head,

The propaganda that is set in front of my mother are tempting,
Along the signs lay threats of abandonment for treason,

But my father silently proclaims the relief of the words that my mother uses,
He preaches the schools and education,
My mother commercializes the  freedom of substantial proportions,

So as my mom fires her pamphlets of chocolate,
My dad telepathically opens university brochures in my head, in the middle of no mans land

They told me that it would be okay,
They told me that there was nothing to worry about,
They told me that I could be what I wanted to be,
They told me that I was loved,
They told me that I could be part of the family,
They told me that they would believe in me,
They told me that they would try ,
They told me that I Should try,
They told me that they never lie,
As a sit on my bed I wonder how many times they have lied.

I'm sitting here taking a ****,
Looky right at a roll of ****,
Well at least that's what it wipes off,
I am bored as a car on Sunday that got hit in slow motion,
By a mo-ped,
Good god I am bored as ****,
THIS ISN'T EVEN A ******* POEM!

Torture me with your relentless words,
Even after you've finished they still stick around to try to finish me off,
They almost do,
But I won't let them today,
Probably not tomorrow either,
But maybe next week,
Or maybe two days,
I hope you understand,
It's you not me,
Your words stab at me as I try to run away from them,
Who am I kidding,
I can't run away from words that float around my head just taking casual turns on who to strike me next,
So I listen and **** in my emotions,
Because if I show them it will only get worse as it always does,

First I will say,
To whom have you been beaten by,
To whom have have you seen them lie,
To how much have you seen them buy,
To whom do you see them tie,
To whom do you see them fly,
To whom have you seen high,
To whom have you seen dry,
For if you see them,
Tell them that they are forgiven

To whom I call my brother,
To whom I call my sister,
To whom I call my mother,
To whom I call my father,

To whom I call my family,
To whom I call myself,
To whom shall I call when there is no one left?

Shall I call the earth and plea for assistance,
Shall I call to the universe when the earth replies no more,
Or shall I call to a god to help me.

When a man was asked to **** another man who had committed treason,
They said there was nothing wrong with killing him because he was doing a service for his country.
The man obliged and shot the man in the temple.
Two days later he was killed by the government of his country for committing ******.

I sit here lost in my own thoughts about the future in the most depressing way,
She asks me if I'm okay,
"I don't know"
I continue spiralling into my depressed dream,
I lye on the bed lost,
She lyes beside me,
I turn my head to look at her my eyes glazed in thought,
Thinking about her dying in my own hands,
She blows air on my face and I snap out of my thoughts,
She begins to laugh and I laugh with her admiring her powers.

Why do you title me,
Why do I have to wear a label on my forehead,
Why does it describe my issues,
Why do people always look at it,
I don't have a picture on this website because you would see my label,
They treat me different because they see my label,
I am ashamed for carrying my label,
So I wear a mask so they can't see my label,
So you can't see my title,
My judgment,
My depression,
My pain,
My sorrow,
My self pity,
My death

I have vanity,
It's the only thing that masks me,
It's the only thing that protects me,
It's the only thing that disguises me from societies judgement,
It's the only thing that my mom can't take away,
It's the only thing that I can accumulate,
It's the only thing that I can create and call it my own,
I have vanity,
It's the only thing that you can't take,

Who dares wake me from my pitiful dreamless sleep,
You wake me just to ask me if I'm "okay",
You skip in my room gallivanting while I toss and turn pondering the meaning of my life,
"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" I yell, realizing there's no one else but me,
So I continue to toss and turn and you start to laugh,

I start talking aloud to myself asking you why your doing this to me,
I begin to mumble to myself about possible answers,

My so called loving "son" took me to a specialized doctor to check my mental state,
I know that even if my son told me in a very childish tone,

The doctor was just here to ask me some special question and if I answered all of them we would go out for lunch,

I gave him the finger and still answered all the questions "truthfully",
I didn't want the doctor to get off that easily,
We didn't go out for lunch later,

Your just tormenting me you realize every time I think you exist the closer I get to becoming insane,

So you laugh on,
Prance on around my room,
Beconing me to drive myself to look at nothing.

Seeing is believing,
Seek and you shall receive,
Be kind to one another,
Don't give up,
Be friendly and you will have friends,
Want and you shall have, is what they tell me,


What about if I don't want to see,
What about if I don't want to seek,
What about if I don't want to be kind,
What about if I want to give up,
What about if I don't want to have friends,
What about if I don't want something,
What about if I just want to be alone.

Today I went wedding dress shopping,
I know bad luck,
But I don't care,
It was really fun,

My bride tried on dresses,
The most expensive,
$100,000
I secretly tried one on,

I couldn't do up the back zipper,
It got stuck,
Then I ******* get out of the dress,

So my bride being as snart as she said she loved the dress,
And we walked out of the store with the dress still on me,
I eventually got out ,
And she's still going to wear it.

What are we doing America,
Why do we try to hate others,
We destroy everything leaving nothing left,
We throw guns and people around like it's a game,
Seeing who can get more of its people killed in a day,
Yet when it comes time to convict someone for their actions we draw a blank,
We move on unable to even accept  that people in our own borders  could assist in such atrocities,
But as we point an angry finger across the world,
We don't consider what we have done inside our own country,
Maybe we need to understand that things aren't so perfect here after all,
Maybe we should consider fixing problems at home before we go masecuring another country.

I hope people will like this poem,
I laugh at myself when I think of hope,
Every time I have hope I think nothing in the world could stop me,
I face my inevitable fact and face it with triumph,
I get destroyed by fact,
I just laugh at myself for thinking that I could deny fact and have hope,
I just let go of it,
Next week maybe I'll get it,
Probably won't and then I'll be filled with a little more hope that the inevitable fact is not inevitable.

What you did for me was awesome,
You adopted me,
Took me into your home
Not even for a little while,
But for 16 years,
What you do for me now,
I still can't fathom,
I **** at appreciating your efforts,
What you do to me,
I can't forget,
I am hurt,
I am depressed,
But am too ashamed to say anything because it doesn't really matter because it's better than being on a street alone in Ukraine.

Cold,
Hungry, Afraid of the other children stealing my lone possession,
My blanket,
My only protection from the bitter nights,

Another sleepless night,
Another oat in my empty stomach,
A man and woman walk in with a plate of food,
They search for a child to love,

I run with my weak legs towards them,
I face the children yelling,
“NO, NO” Scared of the children changing the adult’s minds,

I stop the other children from stealing my only hope, belief, future.
They laugh, thinking I’m cute,
The nuns take me out of the room away from the other children,

I sit with the adults in a white strange room,
All of my efforts of defense pay off as I am given the plate of food,
I have never tasted anything so warm, filling, replenishing,

They watch me shovel the food,
Thinking, pondering, whispering to one another,
They nod, smile at me
I never went back to that filthy room with the children,

Guns scatter in my head,
They leave acknowledging that there is nothing left,
No ability to move on,
No reason to keep going,
They'll tell me that the guns will **** me,
I love the guns in my head,
They poison my mind with lead and destroy my thoughts,
But they keep on leaving,
Why do my saviours leave when I need them the most,
I'm going to bed,
The guns, pencils, razors, lighters, paper, glass, metal and knives have been locked away,
Out of reach of my infected mind,
I know how to get them,
I locked them up myself,
I beg for the guns to come back and fill my head with their bullets,
As I scream from the thought of unlocking the things,
Where are the guns,
No where,
No one can save me now,
I get out of my bed,
Unlock all my drawers and make a stage worthy event,
I prop a camera and start recording how I'm going to **** my infection inside my head.

You see me,
You hear me,
You feel me,
Yet you do not understand me,

I am not perfect,
My flaws are scars upon my face,
I have tried to face my demons,
But they drown me in my fears,

I am fighting against the tide with pills and distractions,
Yet the waves rise ten feet high,
I have lost my own battles before,

But not like this,
There is nothing to silence the voices,
That only I hear,
The doubts and fears have drained me of my life,

FEARS is who I am now,
He is me,
And I am him,
FAERS

I cry,
Cry for relief,
Yet it never comes,
Anxiety plays me like a puppet,

It’s strings are the fears that I fear,
The man controlling me is no one,
I am cutting the strings slowly,
But I fear many things.

Why do I try to make people happy?
Why do I try to get my mother to appreciate my efforts?
Why do I try to care for what other people feel?
Why do I try to tell myself that I'm happy?
Why do I try to act like I am a proud person?
Why do I try anything?
Why do I try to live another day?
Why do I try to survive for the benefit of others?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Because I care...

What is wisdom,
Is it something that is achieved,
Is it something that is handed down from generation to generation,
Is is something that grows over time,
Is it something we buy,
If wisdom is achieved what things must be done to achieve it,
If wisdom is something handed down from generation to generation,
What wise words of wisdom must be spoken of the generations before us,
If wisdom is something that grows over time,
If so then are the older wiser,
What happens if the older generation loses all wisdom from deterioration,
Does that make the younger wiser,
If wisdom is something to purchase is it like currency,
With every perfect choice as income and every wise thing spoken as the bill,
Could it be possible to become rich in wisdom.

"**** yourself!"
"**** yourself!" the words say to me taunting me as they float above my head, I try to build a wall but they fly through it,
"Your useless!"
"Your useless!" they say as I am pecked,
"It's ******* basic!"
"It's ******* basic!"
The words they flap around me blurring my vision,
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
I start to cry, I falter but am not ready to fall yet,
"Your so ******* selfish, 'it's all about me!"
"Your so ******* selfish 'it's all about me!"
I fall to the ground and try to cover my ears, but they peck at my hands so that I hear them,
"I don't want to see you!"
"I don't want to see you!"
I start screaming, my ears are bleeding now,
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this ******* selfish!"
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this ******* selfish!"
I try to get up but they dive at me striking my efforts,
"What kind of son does this!"
"What kind of ******* son does this to their mother!"
I just lye there hopeless and I whisper a word, just one tiny word,

"me..."
I close my eyes and the words fly away.

"**** yourself!"
"**** yourself!" the words say to me taunting me as they float above my head, I try to build a wall but they walk through it,
"Your useless!"
"Your useless!" they say as I am pecked,
"It's fu.....g basic!"
"It's fu.....g basic!"
The words they flap around me blurring my vision,
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
"It's something that a 9 year old would get!"
I start to cry, I falter but am not ready to fall yet,
"Your so fu.....g selfish, 'it's all about me!"
"Your so fu.....g selfish 'it's all about me!"
I fall to the ground and try to cover my ears, but they peck at my hands so that I hear them,
"I don't want to see you!"
"I don't want to see you!"
I start screaming, my ears are bleeding now,
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this fu.....g selfish!"
"Don't expect to get my approval when your this fu.....g selfish!"
I try to get up but they dive at me striking my efforts,
"What kind of son does this!"
"What kind of fu.....g son does this to their mother!"
I just lye there hopeless and I whisper a word, just one tiny word,

"me..."
I close my eyes and the words fly away.

I don't ride a bike,
I don't drive,
It's better for me and everyone else around me,
At least that's what people tell me,
I believe them,
"You can't adapt quickly enough to situations,"
I wear glasses because I crash into stuff without them,
I break everything that I own by accident,
I really don't mean to,
I don't drive,
I won't ever drive.

You there,
look over there,
What is that coming,
Wait it's a person,
Who is it,
Why he's glowing,
It's a man,
He's wearing a mask,
A gas mask,
It's black and red,
I can't see his eyes,
He's coming closer,
Who are you,
"I am what I am,
I am who I am,
I am for what I am,
This is who I am."

-this is a character that I have created in a story.