I feel like I'm a waste of perfectly good air
Everyone hates me
And I think I hear death calling my name

I want someone to slap me
And chop off my head
I hope it's painful
And that it will continue to be painful for the few minutes before I am dead

I cut my finger cooking
wiped away the blood and carried on
"Why don't you get a band-aid?"
Because, little sister
One day you will endure worse
then just a skin deep cut.
And, little sister
band-aids cover pain.
They don't fix it.

I look at my eyes
and I don't see anything in them
they're just dead
the little girl sparkle is extinguished
the flame of hope is tired
and the brightness is done caring
my eyes are dead
and they reflect my heart

opening my window
sitting on the roof
with my knees tucked to my chin
staring into the night
drops of rain falling all around me
the breeze reminding me
that I do feel
the croak of frogs down in the pond
chirp of crickets
stars hidden beneath a blanket of clouds
the pattern of the rain matches
the drops of my tears
people care
and this night is too pure
to be sad

proof that if people take the time to get to know you they will eventually begin to notice the little things like:

I tie small pieces of my hair in knots
whenever I'm thinking hard about something
because it makes my dad laugh
and tell me I'm going to make myself bald

whenever I see someone crying
whether I like them or not
I always stop and listen and try to make it better
because I would want somebody to do that for me

I have a photo album full of pictures
of my favorite people
so when I'm sad I can flip through it
and their smiling faces remind me I have people I love
and that I would do anything for them

I wear a safety pin on the hem of my shirts
as a promise
to my parents and my siblings and to me
that I will never hurt myself again

I make bracelets for all my friends
an insignificant thing
but I do it because
it brings me joy to see them wear them every day

when I was younger I would stare out my window
and watch the lightning at night
and count the seconds before the thunder boomed
until I fell asleep
and sometimes I still do

****
If when I hurt myself
I'm hurting the younger version of me too
When my father gets hurt by me
I must be hurting the little boy playing in the grass
Having hobbies that his parents said were a faze
And who never thought that the person he is now
Would be the person he was going to be

When he says I'm the reason he wants to die
Does that mean I'm killing that innocent child too?


Guilt consumes me
I hate my mind

I've recently created something of a bond with someone that seems to be almost magical
And I think it's because we're both real
And because with eachother honesty seems like the only option

Instead of
"How are you?"
"Good. How are you?"
"Good."

It's
"How was your head today?"
"Still depressed. You?"
"Still depressed"

And there's something so special about that
It's as if I encountered another alien hopelessly walking around earth
With all the humans and wondering why they have green skin
And showing them that we can be different
Together

Words we don't hear from our parents
"You're doing so good"
"You got this"
"You're safe and cared about and loved"
"I'm so so proud of you"
We give eachother

Talking about the very fact that we exist
Politics (or that it *****)
Family
Depression
Unforgettable memories
Favorite stupid shows and movies
I swear it feels like a dream

Mentally ill
Real
Empathetic
Grew up too quickly
Love and feel so deeply
...
I think I don't feel so utterly alone anymore

Proof that people have so many layers, and that we are all so beautifully complex and interesting:

Whenever I yawn as I get up from bed
I do a high pitched sequel
Because my old dog used to do that when I was younger
And I wanted to be like her

When I want someone to get something for me I always say "I can't reachhhh"
And stretch m out my arm
Even if it's on the other side of the house
Because once when I did that I made someone laugh as they were crying

Whenever I ask someone if they're okay
And they say they are
I always ask
"Do you promise?"
Because someone did that for me once and it made me feel so loved

I have a folder on Pinterest saved as
"Everything is alright sweetheart"
Full of strangers talking to the camera
Comforting the theoretical strangers watching
Because the very fact that someone would do that
Is enough to comfort me sometimes

Whenever I need help to do the simplest electronic-related task
I always ask
"Can you do magic pwease?"
Because it always makes one of my friends smile
And I would do so much for that

When I was younger I used to light a candle in my room
Close my eyes
And pray to the stars
To make things better
Because I knew that no god I wanted could put me through this pain

I reread old text messages every night
Over and over
To prove to myself that it's all in my head
And no one hates me
Because once when my friend told me she felt that way
I gave her that advice randomly
And I realized it was actually helpful