Are you falling or rising when you have freedom? The questions go on, but this one is the most important one…
Tis you should tell yourself that over and over again.
Y’all tend to think y’all are better right? Because nobody has seen what you’ve done in the dark.
You should already know by now that you become what you speak, so be careful who you talk apon.

People tend to dance around their problems, dodging because they are afraid they are the problem.
People fill the void with everyone they meet. But us depressed people get told it’s all in our head, yet they still wonder why we bottle it all up.
We talk about our feelings, but now we are the ones who are oversensitive.
We often feel it’s a lonely road and they don’t care about what we know.
And sometimes we just chill with our demons and that’s it…
Like take us back to yesterday we say ever so often.
Sometimes we just need a hug from someone who is proud of us…
Sometimes the waves hit us like a wall of bricks, and SOMETIMES this is the type of stuff our friends don’t wanna be bothered with.

Depression is like the tides and currents you can’t control.
It’s like we have a purpose, but we only have so much time.
Are we being tested with freedom?

We tend to smile because it confuses people. Because it is easier than explaining what is killing us inside.
We are simply just victims whose story hasn’t been told…
We like to say “living well is the best revenge” and “having self-humanity is powerful”
It gets dark before dawn for us.
We feel we are running out of roses to give, and we wonder… where do all the lonely people go?
That’s when we realize… hearts can break themselves.

And that leads us back to the question “Are you falling or rising when you have freedom?” I think it is both because you see, when you have freedom, you have the choice to do whatever you want basically, it’s like handing the world to you early and it really just depends on who has the freedom to decipher if you will be falling or not. Because you see, you have the option to call for help if it is there, but sometimes it’s not there, and you have to guide yourself… but that’s not always the case, you can rise because you also have the option to become creative, or sometimes you can choose to do the right thing even if nobody’s watching, but then there are times where you think you are doing the right thing or you are… but you still fall… that’s where depression comes in suppressing your scream and making you bottle up emotions and some you never even knew you had, and everything above this paragraph is your thoughts...

Words like stones, thrown not in anger, but in casual disregard.
A leash disguised as love, chipping away at the edges, until you barely recognize the reflection staring back.

Guilt, a weapon wielded with practiced ease.
A love that burns not brightly, but coldly, consuming you within, like a cold flame.
The slow death of a soul, popping depression pills like TicTacs, sipping the problems away, watching as the **** smokes.

You can’t physically cry anymore, the scars are a reminder of the battle fought, but they don’t define the victory to come. Instead of a happy warming crackle of the flame; what it’s supposed to be, it is shivering subtle whispers in your head. Instead of the comforting light glow it is supposed to give, it gives off a silent, dark, blue, soul crushing glow. It is a flame fed from tears and heartbreak and can only be put out by fate or arising happiness.
Lets have it out…

A cold flame.
Lost souls arise in shame,
Tear by tear, log by log,
Fear upon fear, fog upon fog.
Don’t breath it in, you will suffocate in despair
Until you eventually run out of air,
No other death can compare,
You see your life in just a little flare,
And all other people do is stare.
Deep within the flame lies sorrow and guilt,
Not a single peep or sound of lilt.
The flame does not catch things on fire,
Instead it consumes life until it is simply dryer.
The flame only lives in your mind,
But the effects are worse than a warm flame and death combined,
But yet people still would go through it to find that bind.
It whispers promises soft and low,
But leaves a sting, a bitter blow.
The warmth it lacks, a hollow space,
Where empathy should hold its place.
The smoke it breaths, a choking haze,
Obscuring truth in a blinding maze.
Throwing alcohol or drugs on the table,
Will only leave you mentally unstable.
You wait and wait for the cold flame to go out,
But it will only sprout,
Leading you to only doubt,
Ending you until all you can do is shout.

Chains around my neck become bigger when I feel the chain wrapped around my heart grows heavier.
I’m tired of lying and saying that I’m fine…
The memories beat me black and blue.
Like if you’re gonna try me, you best pray to God you wipe me out.
I often feel I am trapped in the dark, my hand waving above the water, but you. Don’t. Listen.

STOP CALLING MY NAME! I’m already gone, away from this world and in my own world that was created just for me…
But I still hear your voice and a million others.
I fear my love is fabricated… there’s only so much time to save it.

I am often left scrambling for the key to the chain around my heart. It is never easy.
You need to have mercy on my soul when I am in this state.
I’m always stuck in yesterday.
But you called me a *****, so I became it… hope you’re happy now.

I wish I knew the secret recipe to relationships in general, like if you lay down all your walls, I swear that I’ll fix it.
You only love me when I’m already gone…
You call me evil, but how would you know unless you live it already…?

10 minutes later, you are left in the middle of nowhere, stranded with questions you probably won’t get the answer to.
This is most likely a heartbreak you won’t forget.
Then your mind goes blank; everything fades black.
This is the only time your conscience is left speechless.
You can’t predict what you’ll do next.
You are left with flashbacks and questions like “What did I do wrong?”

20 minutes later, you get left with deeper questions about if you were ever even loved, and the questions only get deeper.

30 minutes later, you are scrolling through older texts, missing the feeling you felt when you first got the text.
You are looking at older videos and smiling at what it was.
And then thats when a voice enters your head, your very first voice. It’s all around you, loud, but quiet at the same time, it only says two words… “Do it.” You stumble back wondering where it came from, you try and try to listen, but… nothing.

40 minutes later, you can’t physically cry anymore… you feel numb almost, but feeling everything at the same time.
You try to find light in the void, but it’s just dark.
You pick up a pill bottle filled with pills, staring, contemplating if you should just take them all, but instead, you scramble through your coping skills and decide to go out for a drive instead of taking the pills…

50 minutes later, you are driving at night and it’s busy, but not busy.
It must’ve been no surprise that you have a really fast bike you are riding.
You turn until you enter a highway, you try to keep your mind blank, but then… the break-up crosses your mind, resulting in you increasing the throttle gradually.
You are officially going slightly faster than other cars at 80 mph. Then all the sudden, a voice says “you’ll never be good enough,” then you feel yourself drop to 4th gear and increase the throttle, now you find yourself going 95 mph. And going much faster than other cars. Then you start dodging and weaving cars like never before.
Then another voice says “She never cared,” now you feel yourself go into 5th gear and increase throttle a lot, until you are going 130 mph. And dodging and weaving becomes a harder task.
Then a picture of her enters your mind, causing you to close your eyes for a split second and scream, and for a split second you realize when the voice said “Do it,” you know there was no escape, then before you knew it, you crash into the back of a car, sending you flying through the air and then hitting the ground and sliding and rolling on the ground.
Then a few moments later, you meet your death eye to eye, face to face.

Please lie to me…
Tell me you love me… even if it’s a lie.
Tell me you miss me… even if you are glad I’m gone.
Tell me you would die for me… even if I’m already dead.
Tell me you need me… even if you wish I never existed.
Tell me you still care… even if you couldn’t care less.
Tell me you are proud of me… even if I am the biggest disappointment in your life.
Tell me you are happy with me… even if loving me is torture.
Please lie to me… I fein for happiness.
Make ME look like an idiot for still wanting you.
Lie to me.

If it isn’t you, then who is it?
You see, happiness is a fleeting visitor, while sorrow is a permanent resident.
The silence after the storm is the loudest sound; it’s the space left by the echos of what’s lost forever.

You see, the hardest thing about letting go isn’t the goodbye, it’s the constant, quiet ache of what it could have been.
So here I lie in the house of broken glass carrying the weight of unspoken words and a silent symphony of regrets.

As the world continues its vibrant dance, oblivious to the quiet death of my heart, time freezes almost literally, and every sunrise mocks the darkness that has settled within me.
The weight of the world settles on my shoulders, a burden to heavy to bear, yet you can take the world off my shoulders so it wouldn’t be hard to move, but you’d rather wait until I’m crying and calling for help…

You see, the beauty of the world is a cruel irony, a painful reminder of what I cannot feel.
Silence screams louder than any sorrow I could express.
My life is a house of broken glass; beautiful from afar, but dangerous to touch. A memory each shard a moment, sharp and fleeting, beautiful and painful.

All Clay feels at first is loved.
He thinks to himself, how could he ever find someone new?
Clay feels that this girl is the one, and nothing will change that.
But he has sadly mistaken love over patience…
Then before he knew it, it was like suffering a death from a thousand papercuts.
Things begin to shift… conversations become shorter, less meaningful, emotionally distant, and you can’t quite decipher.

It’s like a gradual cooling Clay and this girl are going through.
But it’s a hollow echo of what it once was, she assures him that she still cares, but the spark is not there anymore, the spark that ignites the flame to love…
The weight of his emotional absence settles upon him, crushing him under the burden of unanswered questions and unspoken anxieties.

The worst part? There is no clear break-up, the relationship simply… withers. It dies a slow, quiet death, leaving him stranded in the wasteland of unanswered questions, agonizing him over what he did wrong, while she moves on seemingly unaffected.
With the loss of something he never truly lost, but it vanished like mist in the morning sun.
The lingering uncertainty of whether it was ever real at all… That’s the worst heartbreak.
That truly destroys him, leaving him questioning life and wondering if he ever truly mattered to her or anyone.

For anyone who truly, genuinely understands what that’s like. When the intimacy fades…
__________________­__

Healing takes time… remember that this experience, though painful, can lead to growth and deeper understanding of yourself and what you deserve in a relationship. This type of heartbreak can shake your beliefs about love and relationships. Take time to redefine what love means to you. Once the initial emotional pain subsides, take some time to reflect on the relationship. What went wrong? What were the warning signs you missed? Usually this type of heartbreak often leaves you questioning your self worth and value, so re-establish your sense of self by focusing on your own interests, and remember… you are never alone when it comes to this.

A depressed mind’s thoughts come and go. Everyone's is different.
Keep this in your mind for the rest of your days… you become what you speak.

When depressed, we tend to grow cold, dark, and numb as we slowly die. And you ever wonder why it’s mostly men who commit it? We figure why not, we’re already dead inside.
I tend to smile… because it confuses people. It’s like putting on a mask that you can’t take off, but it's easier than explaining what is killing you inside…

We often talk about our feelings, but now we are the ones who are oversensitive.
People tend to check and/or wait to see if one is failing. That’s where they wait and wait.
You see, the greatest villains are the ones who THINK they are doing the right thing.
And that's where this quote comes in… and never EVER say it thoughtlessly. “Desire becomes surrender and surrender becomes power”

Sometimes we feel we are running out of roses to give, and we tend to wonder… where do all the lonely people go?
Then that's when we realize… hearts can break themselves.

We keep playing games and we keep running from our problems, yeah we know we got them, we just don't know how to solve them.
Sometimes we feel like our shadow is the only one that walks beside us… that’s all.

Ever so I cry tears of a tiger when I feel lost in myself.
Ever so I cry tears of a tiger when I feel my heart is fragile.
I wear this chain here to distract you from the blatant sadness written on my face.
I could never get out of my way.
Sometimes I think I found a way out, yet I still get ****** in the tide.
No, I can't sit still in all this hate and abundance… I’ll get buried.
So quiet… I stay quiet, I spent half of the night trying to cope with the quiet.
The silence is almost deafening. It’s like I’m In my own coma… unresponsive I am.
They said it’s all in my head, yet they still wonder why I bottle it all up.
I can't hide myself because I’m already dead inside.
So here I sit, looking dead in the eye of the devil.
I can't move… unresponsive I am.
Sometimes I feel it’s a lonely road and they don’t care about what you know.
So I try… try to find light in this beautiful sea.
But yet I’m drowning in the same tub I learned how to swim in.
I know after all this rumble I should be bulletproof by now, but I took one for the team to the heart.
I’m a hard case they can't unlock…
It’s like people are talking to me like it doesn’t hurt them at all.
Maybe I’ve always been destined to end up in this place I lie in.
I fear time is running out, seconds waste away while I suffer your wrath on me.
I could swear I’ve given up on me… I think I’m too deep.
I’m up all night because I’m falling.
I’m a dog chasing cars. I’m a victim whose story hasn’t been told.
Behind me lies a broken heart that takes timeless years to fix.
I say “Living well is the best revenge” I SAY “Having self-humanity is powerful”.
Never shall I forget the flames that consumed my faith forever…
It looks my reflection is laughing at me.
I need mercy on my soul ‘fore I am mistaken for thinking I am doing the right thing.
And now… I am left with your echo.
Ever so often, I hear whispered in my ear “You know you’re not leaving here alive”. They won’t let me go.
So… ever so I cry tears of a tiger.
Ever so I cry.

As you feel your heart has been filled with liquid nitrogen and gets dropped.
You watch as it shatters into a million pieces and you are left picking them up one by one.
It might take months or even years to piece your heart back together.
You didn’t realize that you fell in love with what you THOUGHT y’all would be, but it all fell apart at the seems.

The love that you THOUGHT you had, fell victim to reality.
You feel you are on the edge of something breaking, and every so often, your past drops you down to your knees crying to God, asking what’s your purpose?

There are some things in life that are like a constant changing puzzle that even the smartest beings can’t figure out… love is one of them.
Do you know what love is?

As the **** smokes
Comes a couple of chokes.
Hit by hit, the memory of what has happened becomes foggy.
Blinker by blinker, you start to feel groggy.
All the hurt and abundance had built up, leaving your conscience speechless,
Everything leaving you no choice, but to be reckless.
Smoking away your problems seems like the only way to fix it,
All the cries for help couldn’t reach the summit,
You just seemed to reach the limit.
You gave everything your all,
But you simply just… fall.
You take another hit, until you feel like you can fly,
But it’s only a high,
Leaving you with a disappointed sigh.
Day by day,
The feeling seems to fade away,
Until it just stops hitting,
Leaving you sitting,
Making you contemplate quitting.