Although this paper absorbs my pain, it doesn’t control my actions.
Hell, I don't think I even control them…
But I think I know what does,
My emotions.

Hence why I get traumatized by my own actions, the actions are reactions.
It’s almost like I’m in a coma, but I am active and I can see what I’m doing.
I just keep on seeing myself doing reckless stuff and wasting my breath on people who don’t even like me.

It’s just… I love how when I do something good; something out of kindness or love, nobody notices me, but if I do something bad or stupid, everyone looks my way.
I need something that will help me gain control.
My goal is to spread my pain like butter, if you are reading this, just know, the voices are getting frequent and louder…
Help me make them useful

Lei, a poem to you,
Because you didn’t think this through.
Yes, you were my first kiss,
But what did I miss?
Maybe you should feel how it felt to gulp down 72 pills,
Because your head was way over the hills.
And only one answer to ONE question will take my flashbacks away, or just might…
Was it spite or flight?
Because you made it feel like we were having a good time,
Hell I was even thinking about making you my prime.
But those lies to my friend didn’t tell themselves… you told them,
And I hope it wasn’t to condemn.
Like, to lose both a friend and the most important person in my life at the same time?
That’s not something I can happily chime.
Even when I reassured you if you were comfortable,
If you weren’t, you didn’t have to lie to my face and make ME seem questionable,
And then again lie about something I didn’t do,
And make me look like a bad person too.
Put it this way, you had MY OWN FRIEND cussing and yelling at me,
Can’t you see?
Who knows? Maybe you did this out of spite,
OR you did this at the risk of my own life just to take flight.
That alone, I have YOUR texts as consent,
And even ones I can’t present.
God dang AND you are the one who came up with the idea to do it,
But I feel for your trap anyway I can admit.
But to be the very first kiss and the very one I trusted,
I can’t help, but wonder why I was dusted.
It must’ve been really hard to find out that I overdosed on 72 pills that very night,
It was just too bad of an episode to fight.
I can still remember the songs I was skipping,
I can still remember trying,
I can still remember trying to cope,
But all in all, you made me lose hope.
I can still remember fighting to keep the door closed,
I still have the video of me when I overdosed,
I can still remember the horrible crying behind the closed door,
I can still remember curled up on the floor,
I can still hear the same **** voices in my head,
I can still remember waking up in the hospital bed,
But if it wasn’t for my friend, you might as well consider. Me. Dead.

Sometimes I have no choice, but to race the rain,
Nothing better to do than run away from my pain...
Some people think I'm insane,
But they haven't been in my lane,
They haven't seen my heart's chain,
And they only want me for their gain,
And nobody wants me as their main.
Even as I get further away,
The rain catches up and darkens my day,
And I can't seem to get out of my way,
And then there I lay,
I can't try again, and if I did anyway,
The rain still hits me until I'm not okay.
BUT, sometimes I just choose to dance in it,
And it is hard I can admit,
Even if the rain is legit,
I can't just sit,
So I just dance, and sometimes... it's pretty lit.
On top of that, I just try to find my happiness,
Even when people couldn't care any less,
I try to run for success,
Even when I can't express.
I try to have fun,
Even when I can no longer run,
I still try to look back at what I have done.
But it will always chase me every place,
And I will still see the hate in every face.

Emily, a poem to you,
Because I don’t know what else to do.
Yes, you were a 24 year old stranger,
But you couldn’t take no for an answer.
Now all I can hear is the traumatized breathing I was taking for the Uber back home
Giving me a breaking fear of continuing to roam.
Now I'm going to run it back,
there was sense I seemed to lack
When who was sitting there was going to be a life lesson,
Who also thought I was messin'
When I said no to her question,
Meaning there was no exception.
It all started with just a simple greeting
'till I look over to see a woman sitting,
She was on her break vaping,
Then we started talking.
Eventually she asked for my Instagram,
But for some reason, I did't give a ****.
Later that night,
When sleep was easier to fight,
I get a text,
And I regret what I did next.
One text did it all,
Little did I know this would be my fall.
So I said why not,
Not knowing this was going to be a lot.
I saw nothing, but an innocent request to come over,
So I made the mistake and trusted her.
I remember all too well,
I remember the 9 minute Uber ride there,
Hell even when I arrived, I still remember the smell,
There were vapes and cigarettes everywhere.
As time started to do its own thing,
She started flirting.
But as soon as I turned her away,
She went into play,
And touched me in a ****** way,
I told her to stop, but she did it anyway.
Then the words slipped out of my mouth... "can I go home now?"
And I don't know how...
But it gave her the idea to say "if we do it, I'll Uber you back"
Then for the first time, I felt like I was going to have a heart attack.
And time never went by so slow,
And I was never going to know,
How truly scared I would be,
Never knew how tore up it would leave me.
And every time I bring up this story,
It won't bring glory,
But it's better being safe than sorry.

The very knife,
That cut scars in my life,
Every cut represents every trauma,
The deeper the cut, the deeper the drama.
Forged from memories and flashbacks.
Then when I least expect it… it thrusts and attacks,
Leaving me on the ground bleeding out,
leaving me to shout,
And hoping it doesn’t haunt me for the rest of my days,
But nobody cares anyways.

(Quote:"Depression sometimes is like being in a dark room with no light, but the only way to make it brighter is to find light in things" - The Artyom)

I'm in a dark room with no light,
Darkness hugs my body in all directions.
My life, shot down from flight,
Nowhere to be seen, lies corrections.
Thinking that my body language would say it all,
But nobody pays attention to my fall,
And nobody listens to my call.
But out of the blue, someone walks into the room,
I tell them the problem; that it is dark, and they see that it is dark too.
They see that I am falling to my doom,
So they try to find the light and do.
They turn it on,
Then I say it's still dark,
So they describe the light they look upon,
But all I see is the mark.
Darkness is my only friend,
Is this how my life will end?
Spent in sorrows,
No tomorrows.
No stars to see,
no sky, no moon.
No place to be except this gloom.
Time flies by on broken wings.
I must think of other things.
Like gratitude and great success.
I know in my heart, I make my own happiness.

If you love me,
No matter how hard it could be,
Why can’t I see?
You can yell it in my face,
You can follow me every place,
You can give me some space,
But why can’t I get to the base?
If I had a dime
For every time
That you have been bare,
I’d be a millionaire.
BUT… Your actions says it all,
Bundling my questions in a ball,
And I can’t recall
The last time we’ve gone through that very hall.
I just want to say,
That loving me is like going down a road a road with a dashed line,
You get further everyday,
But you can turn around at any time, and you’ll still be fine.
If you love me
You would go down the road no matter how rough it gets,
No matter hard it could be,
You would still get to enjoy the sunsets.

I am Invisible,
Screaming, crying, shouting to become visible.
I stand in a crowded room,
People oblivious to my gloom.
As time passes… I begin to lose hope,
Losing ways to cope,
My mind rolling down an endless *****
‘Till all I can do is mope.
I feel I am alone,
My story unknown,
Sittin’ on an empty throne.
My silent scream unheard,
My sad face blurred,
My emotions stirred,
My problem uncured.

Please lie to me…
Tell me you love me… even if it’s a lie.
Tell me you miss me… even if you are glad I’m gone.
Tell me you would die for me… even if I’m already dead.
Tell me you need me… even if you wish I never existed.
Tell me you still care… even if you couldn’t care less.
Tell me you are proud of me… even if I am the biggest disappointment in your life.
Tell me you are happy with me… even if loving me is torture.
Please lie to me… I fein for happiness.
Make ME look like an idiot for still wanting you.
Lie to me.

As you feel your heart has been filled with liquid nitrogen and gets dropped.
You watch as it shatters into a million pieces and you are left picking them up one by one.
It might take months or even years to piece your heart back together.
You didn’t realize that you fell in love with what you THOUGHT y’all would be, but it all fell apart at the seems.

The love that you THOUGHT you had, fell victim to reality.
You feel you are on the edge of something breaking, and every so often, your past drops you down to your knees crying to God, asking what’s your purpose?

There are some things in life that are like a constant changing puzzle that even the smartest beings can’t figure out… love is one of them.
Do you know what love is?

As the **** smokes
Comes a couple of chokes.
Hit by hit, the memory of what has happened becomes foggy.
Blinker by blinker, you start to feel groggy.
All the hurt and abundance had built up, leaving your conscience speechless,
Everything leaving you no choice, but to be reckless.
Smoking away your problems seems like the only way to fix it,
All the cries for help couldn’t reach the summit,
You just seemed to reach the limit.
You gave everything your all,
But you simply just… fall.
You take another hit, until you feel like you can fly,
But it’s only a high,
Leaving you with a disappointed sigh.
Day by day,
The feeling seems to fade away,
Until it just stops hitting,
Leaving you sitting,
Making you contemplate quitting.

Words like stones, thrown not in anger, but in casual disregard.
A leash disguised as love, chipping away at the edges, until you barely recognize the reflection staring back.

Guilt, a weapon wielded with practiced ease.
A love that burns not brightly, but coldly, consuming you within, like a cold flame.
The slow death of a soul, popping depression pills like TicTacs, sipping the problems away, watching as the **** smokes.

You can’t physically cry anymore, the scars are a reminder of the battle fought, but they don’t define the victory to come. Instead of a happy warming crackle of the flame; what it’s supposed to be, it is shivering subtle whispers in your head. Instead of the comforting light glow it is supposed to give, it gives off a silent, dark, blue, soul crushing glow. It is a flame fed from tears and heartbreak and can only be put out by fate or arising happiness.
Lets have it out…

A cold flame.
Lost souls arise in shame,
Tear by tear, log by log,
Fear upon fear, fog upon fog.
Don’t breath it in, you will suffocate in despair
Until you eventually run out of air,
No other death can compare,
You see your life in just a little flare,
And all other people do is stare.
Deep within the flame lies sorrow and guilt,
Not a single peep or sound of lilt.
The flame does not catch things on fire,
Instead it consumes life until it is simply dryer.
The flame only lives in your mind,
But the effects are worse than a warm flame and death combined,
But yet people still would go through it to find that bind.
It whispers promises soft and low,
But leaves a sting, a bitter blow.
The warmth it lacks, a hollow space,
Where empathy should hold its place.
The smoke it breaths, a choking haze,
Obscuring truth in a blinding maze.
Throwing alcohol or drugs on the table,
Will only leave you mentally unstable.
You wait and wait for the cold flame to go out,
But it will only sprout,
Leading you to only doubt,
Ending you until all you can do is shout.

10 minutes later, you are left in the middle of nowhere, stranded with questions you probably won’t get the answer to.
This is most likely a heartbreak you won’t forget.
Then your mind goes blank; everything fades black.
This is the only time your conscience is left speechless.
You can’t predict what you’ll do next.
You are left with flashbacks and questions like “What did I do wrong?”

20 minutes later, you get left with deeper questions about if you were ever even loved, and the questions only get deeper.

30 minutes later, you are scrolling through older texts, missing the feeling you felt when you first got the text.
You are looking at older videos and smiling at what it was.
And then thats when a voice enters your head, your very first voice. It’s all around you, loud, but quiet at the same time, it only says two words… “Do it.” You stumble back wondering where it came from, you try and try to listen, but… nothing.

40 minutes later, you can’t physically cry anymore… you feel numb almost, but feeling everything at the same time.
You try to find light in the void, but it’s just dark.
You pick up a pill bottle filled with pills, staring, contemplating if you should just take them all, but instead, you scramble through your coping skills and decide to go out for a drive instead of taking the pills…

50 minutes later, you are driving at night and it’s busy, but not busy.
It must’ve been no surprise that you have a really fast bike you are riding.
You turn until you enter a highway, you try to keep your mind blank, but then… the break-up crosses your mind, resulting in you increasing the throttle gradually.
You are officially going slightly faster than other cars at 80 mph. Then all the sudden, a voice says “you’ll never be good enough,” then you feel yourself drop to 4th gear and increase the throttle, now you find yourself going 95 mph. And going much faster than other cars. Then you start dodging and weaving cars like never before.
Then another voice says “She never cared,” now you feel yourself go into 5th gear and increase throttle a lot, until you are going 130 mph. And dodging and weaving becomes a harder task.
Then a picture of her enters your mind, causing you to close your eyes for a split second and scream, and for a split second you realize when the voice said “Do it,” you know there was no escape, then before you knew it, you crash into the back of a car, sending you flying through the air and then hitting the ground and sliding and rolling on the ground.
Then a few moments later, you meet your death eye to eye, face to face.

Chains around my neck become bigger when I feel the chain wrapped around my heart grows heavier.
I’m tired of lying and saying that I’m fine…
The memories beat me black and blue.
Like if you’re gonna try me, you best pray to God you wipe me out.
I often feel I am trapped in the dark, my hand waving above the water, but you. Don’t. Listen.

STOP CALLING MY NAME! I’m already gone, away from this world and in my own world that was created just for me…
But I still hear your voice and a million others.
I fear my love is fabricated… there’s only so much time to save it.

I am often left scrambling for the key to the chain around my heart. It is never easy.
You need to have mercy on my soul when I am in this state.
I’m always stuck in yesterday.
But you called me a *****, so I became it… hope you’re happy now.

I wish I knew the secret recipe to relationships in general, like if you lay down all your walls, I swear that I’ll fix it.
You only love me when I’m already gone…
You call me evil, but how would you know unless you live it already…?

Are you falling or rising when you have freedom? The questions go on, but this one is the most important one…
Tis you should tell yourself that over and over again.
Y’all tend to think y’all are better right? Because nobody has seen what you’ve done in the dark.
You should already know by now that you become what you speak, so be careful who you talk apon.

People tend to dance around their problems, dodging because they are afraid they are the problem.
People fill the void with everyone they meet. But us depressed people get told it’s all in our head, yet they still wonder why we bottle it all up.
We talk about our feelings, but now we are the ones who are oversensitive.
We often feel it’s a lonely road and they don’t care about what we know.
And sometimes we just chill with our demons and that’s it…
Like take us back to yesterday we say ever so often.
Sometimes we just need a hug from someone who is proud of us…
Sometimes the waves hit us like a wall of bricks, and SOMETIMES this is the type of stuff our friends don’t wanna be bothered with.

Depression is like the tides and currents you can’t control.
It’s like we have a purpose, but we only have so much time.
Are we being tested with freedom?

We tend to smile because it confuses people. Because it is easier than explaining what is killing us inside.
We are simply just victims whose story hasn’t been told…
We like to say “living well is the best revenge” and “having self-humanity is powerful”
It gets dark before dawn for us.
We feel we are running out of roses to give, and we wonder… where do all the lonely people go?
That’s when we realize… hearts can break themselves.

And that leads us back to the question “Are you falling or rising when you have freedom?” I think it is both because you see, when you have freedom, you have the choice to do whatever you want basically, it’s like handing the world to you early and it really just depends on who has the freedom to decipher if you will be falling or not. Because you see, you have the option to call for help if it is there, but sometimes it’s not there, and you have to guide yourself… but that’s not always the case, you can rise because you also have the option to become creative, or sometimes you can choose to do the right thing even if nobody’s watching, but then there are times where you think you are doing the right thing or you are… but you still fall… that’s where depression comes in suppressing your scream and making you bottle up emotions and some you never even knew you had, and everything above this paragraph is your thoughts...

All Clay feels at first is loved.
He thinks to himself, how could he ever find someone new?
Clay feels that this girl is the one, and nothing will change that.
But he has sadly mistaken love over patience…
Then before he knew it, it was like suffering a death from a thousand papercuts.
Things begin to shift… conversations become shorter, less meaningful, emotionally distant, and you can’t quite decipher.

It’s like a gradual cooling Clay and this girl are going through.
But it’s a hollow echo of what it once was, she assures him that she still cares, but the spark is not there anymore, the spark that ignites the flame to love…
The weight of his emotional absence settles upon him, crushing him under the burden of unanswered questions and unspoken anxieties.

The worst part? There is no clear break-up, the relationship simply… withers. It dies a slow, quiet death, leaving him stranded in the wasteland of unanswered questions, agonizing him over what he did wrong, while she moves on seemingly unaffected.
With the loss of something he never truly lost, but it vanished like mist in the morning sun.
The lingering uncertainty of whether it was ever real at all… That’s the worst heartbreak.
That truly destroys him, leaving him questioning life and wondering if he ever truly mattered to her or anyone.

For anyone who truly, genuinely understands what that’s like. When the intimacy fades…
__________________­__

Healing takes time… remember that this experience, though painful, can lead to growth and deeper understanding of yourself and what you deserve in a relationship. This type of heartbreak can shake your beliefs about love and relationships. Take time to redefine what love means to you. Once the initial emotional pain subsides, take some time to reflect on the relationship. What went wrong? What were the warning signs you missed? Usually this type of heartbreak often leaves you questioning your self worth and value, so re-establish your sense of self by focusing on your own interests, and remember… you are never alone when it comes to this.

If it isn’t you, then who is it?
You see, happiness is a fleeting visitor, while sorrow is a permanent resident.
The silence after the storm is the loudest sound; it’s the space left by the echos of what’s lost forever.

You see, the hardest thing about letting go isn’t the goodbye, it’s the constant, quiet ache of what it could have been.
So here I lie in the house of broken glass carrying the weight of unspoken words and a silent symphony of regrets.

As the world continues its vibrant dance, oblivious to the quiet death of my heart, time freezes almost literally, and every sunrise mocks the darkness that has settled within me.
The weight of the world settles on my shoulders, a burden to heavy to bear, yet you can take the world off my shoulders so it wouldn’t be hard to move, but you’d rather wait until I’m crying and calling for help…

You see, the beauty of the world is a cruel irony, a painful reminder of what I cannot feel.
Silence screams louder than any sorrow I could express.
My life is a house of broken glass; beautiful from afar, but dangerous to touch. A memory each shard a moment, sharp and fleeting, beautiful and painful.

A depressed mind’s thoughts come and go. Everyone's is different.
Keep this in your mind for the rest of your days… you become what you speak.

When depressed, we tend to grow cold, dark, and numb as we slowly die. And you ever wonder why it’s mostly men who commit it? We figure why not, we’re already dead inside.
I tend to smile… because it confuses people. It’s like putting on a mask that you can’t take off, but it's easier than explaining what is killing you inside…

We often talk about our feelings, but now we are the ones who are oversensitive.
People tend to check and/or wait to see if one is failing. That’s where they wait and wait.
You see, the greatest villains are the ones who THINK they are doing the right thing.
And that's where this quote comes in… and never EVER say it thoughtlessly. “Desire becomes surrender and surrender becomes power”

Sometimes we feel we are running out of roses to give, and we tend to wonder… where do all the lonely people go?
Then that's when we realize… hearts can break themselves.

We keep playing games and we keep running from our problems, yeah we know we got them, we just don't know how to solve them.
Sometimes we feel like our shadow is the only one that walks beside us… that’s all.

Ever so I cry tears of a tiger when I feel lost in myself.
Ever so I cry tears of a tiger when I feel my heart is fragile.
I wear this chain here to distract you from the blatant sadness written on my face.
I could never get out of my way.
Sometimes I think I found a way out, yet I still get ****** in the tide.
No, I can't sit still in all this hate and abundance… I’ll get buried.
So quiet… I stay quiet, I spent half of the night trying to cope with the quiet.
The silence is almost deafening. It’s like I’m In my own coma… unresponsive I am.
They said it’s all in my head, yet they still wonder why I bottle it all up.
I can't hide myself because I’m already dead inside.
So here I sit, looking dead in the eye of the devil.
I can't move… unresponsive I am.
Sometimes I feel it’s a lonely road and they don’t care about what you know.
So I try… try to find light in this beautiful sea.
But yet I’m drowning in the same tub I learned how to swim in.
I know after all this rumble I should be bulletproof by now, but I took one for the team to the heart.
I’m a hard case they can't unlock…
It’s like people are talking to me like it doesn’t hurt them at all.
Maybe I’ve always been destined to end up in this place I lie in.
I fear time is running out, seconds waste away while I suffer your wrath on me.
I could swear I’ve given up on me… I think I’m too deep.
I’m up all night because I’m falling.
I’m a dog chasing cars. I’m a victim whose story hasn’t been told.
Behind me lies a broken heart that takes timeless years to fix.
I say “Living well is the best revenge” I SAY “Having self-humanity is powerful”.
Never shall I forget the flames that consumed my faith forever…
It looks my reflection is laughing at me.
I need mercy on my soul ‘fore I am mistaken for thinking I am doing the right thing.
And now… I am left with your echo.
Ever so often, I hear whispered in my ear “You know you’re not leaving here alive”. They won’t let me go.
So… ever so I cry tears of a tiger.
Ever so I cry.