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First she told me to wait,
Then she said it’s a game.
And as I heard the voices
Call out for souls, well,
Every call was my name.

So I stepped through the fog
Into that murky mire.
And the next thing I know
From my head to toe
I was covered in fire.

But she told me to wait.
And she said it’s a game,
And if you give it ten minutes more, man,
You’re gonna feel the same.

First I felt a cold chill.
I beheld a serpent’s stare.
I was losing my will,
Frightened but still
I trusted the wind like a leaf in the air

So I stood like a stone,
And I felt all alone.
And the moment that I
Felt the shadow inside
I knew I would never see home.

Cause she told me to wait.
And she said it’s a game,
And if you give it five minutes more, man,
You’re gonna feel the same.

She said she had what I need,
And knew my depths of desire.
I felt the pit of me stir
When I knew I’d prefer
To blindly believe that she wasn’t a liar.

She picked my pieces apart,
Then she poisoned my heart.
And that’s when I knew
That nothing was true
I cried out inside and I begged for the start.

I was a puddle and pile
That’s when she turned to smile.
With the sweet on her maw
She saw what I saw.
I thought she wouldn’t be back for a while.

But she told me to wait.
And she said life’s a game.
And if you give it one minute more, man,
You can get up
And follow
The tracks of my train.

You know, she told me to wait.
Then she said it’s a game.
And if you give it ten seconds more, man,
You’re gonna feel
You’re gonna feel
You’re gonna feel

The same.
Another song option. Went with this one as a break from the depressing stuff. This is less personal and more academic, perhaps? Written(/sang) end of October ‘22, while feeling the spirit of the season and reflecting on the nature of vice and addiction.
Every interaction,
Whether fleeting or with traction,
Leads to some unforeseen action
That can cause a gaping wound.

Everyone you meet,
At your desk or in the street,
Could result in some great feat
You feel is over much too soon.

And it’s easy to lay blame,
At the ones who knew your name,
But who aren’t acting quite the same
As you’ve come to expect them too.

It’s far too easy to be the one
Whom the world has made undone,
Through the thoughtless actions of someone
That you really thought you knew.

But whether weathered by wicked words,
That were thrown at you, or overheard,
It’s really very quite absurd
To expect anything different in this game.

You know, it isn’t really about you,
Those pointed things they say and do,
That can only lead you to,
Anger, hate, and shame.

So when you feel you’re shrinking small,
And that you can’t handle it at all,
Walk through that illusory wall!
Be and do what you want to!

Remember they’re out of your control.
Don’t take it seriously. It’s drîle.
For only you can make you whole,
Or hold any power over you.
And in truth we get to choose,
How to define our “win” and our “lose”.
And we can walk in any shoes.
We just have to put them on.

We could be stubborn, and salt our own earth.
Let others’ hate diminish our worth.
Or everyday can be a rebirth,
And we can move merrily right along.
I am the smog that suffocates you.
The weight around your neck that pulls you down.  
I am the words to humiliate you.
To push your face and soul into the ground.

I know that I will always love you,
Even as the knife comes down.
Never meant to put my needs above you.
The spear I ****** in won’t come out.

Please forgive me.
Please forgive me.
Please forgive me now.

I am the tool that tortures you.
That finds your soft spots and makes them bruise.
I am the score that marks against you.
That takes you down, that makes you lose.

Please forgive me.
Please forgive me
Please forgive me now.
This is sort of a song version of “torturer”. They were written more than two years apart though. The song is newer, and came into my head on the drive home from somewhere. The same sort of feeling washed over me, and this is how it manifested.
How can it be that a single caress
Is enough to flood my banks?
Before your glorious being
I get down on my knees,
Open wide,
And offer thanks.

And when you become
Overwhelmed by my gratitude,
And when a thirst begins to bother.
I’ll lead you to where
You might find a drink,
And nourish you on my water.

And from your warmth and suckle
A burning, squeezing hunger
Between my thighs.
I grip your hair,
And try to hold your stare,
And I beg for your flesh inside.

I exhale as though air
Were ripped from my lungs.
I inhale in much the same way.
I feed on your strength,
I breathe in your love.
I can face another day.

I feel your moaning purr,
And your lapping tongue,
And the way you **** and caress.
I beg again for what
I know I must have,

For what mercy I know will come next

This is the other one I had emailed about because I wasn’t sure if it was too much. I have since seen that it is not. Or at least, doesn’t seem to be.
I am weak, petty, small.
I am the torturer of all.
My tendrils close around your neck.
I kick your feet out,
And you fall.

I strike you through as you descend.
I twist your mind.
Your spirit bends.
Actions inflict pain.
Words lack respect.
I pull back to strike you through again.

I exhaust your mind, tear your soul, leaving not a nerve to rend.
Absently abusive, and stretched.
Twisted in violence, bent.

I create pain implicitly, just as I expect.
And I inflict the torture that I never, ever meant.

Let Me inflict the torture that I never, ever meant.
Take out everything.
Tear it all out of me.
Take out everything.
Rip it all out of me.

Take what you need.
Tear it all out of me.
Take what you need.
Rip it all out of me.

But you only feel it on the outside.
You wanna leave it where it stands.
You feel the squish and kick it aside.
And hope that no one understands.

You hear the yell.
You ring the bell.
You fight the battle.
But no one knows just what you want.

You scream the scream.
You rip seam.
You grip the paddle.
And no one knows what house you haunt.

But you only feel it on the outside.
It never gets under your skin.
You take your hate and put it in your pride,
‘Cause that’s the only way you’ll win.

Let out an impotent scream,
When nothing’s quite what it seemed.
You cry out, “victim of circumstance”.

You’re caught up on your hate.
Ignore mistakes that you’ve made.
All your misfortunes were merely chance.

But you only feel it on the outside.
You turn your head. You look away.
You favour peace for only one side.
I guess there’s nothing more to say

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