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Ryan Faubert Mar 2018
There once was I time when I fell in love with this girl.  It was life once again had new meaning and purpose.  I had someone in my life that was worth getting out of bed for.  I spent so many hours travelling to go see her.  Many a long days and even longer nights to travel back and forth just to see her and hold her.  Long nights in the hospital when she was I pain, watching her just struggle with pain just broke me each time.  I wished I could help more than I was, but I was with her and that's all that mattered.  I surprised her many a time, the one time after court was the one I'll never forget.  Just watching her eyes light up when she walked in the door was a moment I'll never forget for the rest of my life.  It was the most amazing time of my life that happened by accident.  It was the surprise of my life that I never expected and one that would change me forever.

  For a time it was the most amazing experience.  We learned each other and listened and talked for hours on end just to hear the others voice.  She talked I listened and just absorbed all that she had to say.  I learned her habits, Her likes, Her dislikes, what made her tick, what made her angry, And a lot of what made her cry.  I learned her witching hour, I learned her cycle, I learned her body better than anyone else had.  I loved her on a level she had never experienced, I loved her kids like they were my own.  It was a journey that for an entire 6 months I was living with my head in the clouds.  Then it all ended.  You see it hit me like a ton of bricks.  I crumpled like I got hit by a semi truck.  I cried for days and nights, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I merely just existed for weeks.  Until it clicked one day that, I'll be ok and I can move on.

  There twice was a time I fell in love with this girl.  It's like a bad dream that you can never properly remember you just know you have it.  Weeks of loneliness and pain just washed away by moving on and forgetting the past.  Suddenly just became a memory.  She said, "hello " And I just became a storm of emotions, I wanted to shut her out and ignore her knowing it was best for me.  Although, there is just something inside of me that I cannot ignore because this kindness of who I am just can't let me go that easy.  So the storm calmed and we conversed.  It was almost like nothing changed after a short time.  We laughed, We cried, we joked, and we lied to ourselves and each other that there was this void between us that longed for each other.  

  I spent a week in hell with her.  I watched her suffer and it killed me inside.  To watch be in constant pain and torment, while ones that were supposed to care for her just hung her out to dry.  I fought her, against her, for her, And played the devil's advocate for the sake of argument.  But at the end of it all I loved her more.  And she couldn't stay away anymore because she knew she loved me too.  It was only a few short weeks and we were once again in each other arms, as friends, lovers, and partners.  I showed her my past life.  All the memories of my childhood lay before her and I told her while I showed her about how I came to be.  Why I am who I am and the story unfolded right before her eyes.  There was such love in those eyes and I didn't want that day to end.

  I was once again rolling in the clouds of happiness.  I love her more than before, but I also loved her less.  I was a damaged man before we met and I put faith in her hoping that she could put me back together again and for a time she did.  But once again I was rendered a broken man with a shattered heart that I left open only to her.  I loved her more because I had her again,  I knew her better and knew how to take care of her,  But I loved her because she broke me once before.  I protected my wounds and treaded carefully as to avoid the pain from happening again.  I continued to make sacrificing of my time and money and sleep to come visit and spend time with her from such a distance.  I cared for her and talked her through some of her darkest nights, her suicidal thoughts, and fought her demons of all shapes and sizes.  I fought the physical, the emotional, the mental, and all them at once.  I poured into her my love and affection and let her find her peace in my embrace.  But I loved her less because as much as I cared for her, I still could not escape the terror of those nights that I was left alone to deal with my demons when she left me first.  I remembered the nightmares that haunted my dreams, taunting me it would happen again.  So I loved her less.

  For another 6 months, life was once again such a joy.  I fell in love with my best friend during that time.  Not a day went by I didn't talk to her, not think about her, or miss her.  We planned, talked, and discussed what the future might hold for us.  But we did not expect what we would happen to us first.  We once again grew distant, then bam.....it happened.  I was left alone, as if shot it the dark and left to rot until someone found me.  It didn't hurt as much as it did before.  I had been expecting it for a few days.  Like a bad vision of the future, I could sense it in the air like an approaching storm.  Once again I was  broken man with a shatter heart but this time it hurt less and I moved on.

  There thrice was a time I fell in love with this girl.  Good god was there ****** tension and desire between us that day we went for breakfast.  It was so strong you could cut it with a butter knife.  We both knew we were I trouble but neither of us wanted to admit it.  The next day we were consumed by such strong desire we knew it would ruin us to stay together any longer.  We broke apart and tried to fight it, but in the end we both lost.  We found each other and we were both so happy once again.  I loved her more than before, but  I loved her less.  I was broken by her twice and put back together each time after.  Surely third time is a charm and we had learned from our mistakes and would make this time.  We had never been so wrong.

  Days turned into weeks and weeks into months.  It was like there was never any gaps in our friendship, love, or relationship for a time.  Our lives became so intertwined that we included each other in everything we did.  The future seemed so certain, our lives seemed to be connected to tight that it appeared impossible for them to become separated.  We had never been more wrong.  Just as like the past times before after 6 months, It all fell apart.  

  This time I spent nights just holding her as she cried, begging the universe why she had to struggle so much.  Why this cruel world hated her so and never let her have a moments peace.  My heart broke for her as she just became a crumpled mess in my arms.  I loved her more as she trusted me and let me care for her and I willingly and happily just cared for her without a second thought, but I loved her less after all this.  You see that even though I had never stopped loving her at any point in time, I was constantly tormented by this horrid feeling of loneliness that one day she'll just leave again.  Just like how it had happened in the past.  I couldn't and wouldn't let this stop me from pouring out what I could give her when she needed me.  I ran to her side when she did, told her it would be alright, And held her until she fell asleep in my arms.  She found comfort in my embrace, while I stayed awake to watch over her.  In those moment I was left alone with my thoughts.  I'd look at her and hear things I shall never repeat for they cause too much pain to say aloud.  I didn't hate her for this, I didn't want to cause her harm, I never wanted to be the cause of any of her pain.  But I couldn't give my all to her until I had proof something was different.  Until that one day where we said "I do" and there was no backing out of it.

  A fight unlike any that had taken place before.  Both sides made mistakes, Both sides said things they regret, both sides lost in the end.  And now they are left with broken pieces of themselves to try and clean up.  Shattered lives that were once so confident in one another that marriage seemed the obvious next choice and growing old together was the greatest first each other had to offer.  In the end, we agreed that this was the end and that the damage was far too great to repair.  Moving on is and was the only solution for both of us.

  Who knows what the future holds for either of us.  Perhaps one day, the universe will once again play some horrid trick on us once again and lead us back into each other's arms.  I will not lie and say I don't love her, I have just learned to realize that perhaps being just need to stay in our heart and not our lives for the future.  I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me to attempt to live life without her once again, but I have to try or else I'll never get anywhere.

  There thrice was a time I fell in love with this girl, and I loved her more each time.  But much to my regret, I also loved her less.
I wrote this one night about two weeks after my 3 year relationship came to a sudden end.  The night I came to terms with the reality of how it ended the way it did and how I could see it coming but refused to acknowledge it.
Ryan Faubert Mar 2018
It was for her I wrote the music.
I created a masterpiece to which only she could hear.
I built her a world in which only she knew how to dance.

I looked her in the eyes and I saw her soul.
It raged like a fire in the dead of night.
I tried to back away but it pulled me in deeper and deeper.
The only sound was the music that I created for her.
There was a build and a swell and in a single moment all stood still.

It only took a single space in time and the world was peace.
She calmed my storms and set at peace the voices in my head.
I stare at her and she became my all in a single breath.

It was for her that I made the music.
And it was for her that I will never stop.
An orchestra of the highest regard.
Just to see her smile at me is why I make the music only for her.
Ryan Faubert Mar 2018
The days of us have come and gone, all times that I just showed up at your door.  The looks, the smiles, the laughs, and those special once in a lifetime moments are all times we reflect upon.  All the times we just turned off the phone to just be alone together, are now times we stare at our phones to remember the times we now dream of.  When all we wanted to do was make each other smile, now it seems all we want to do is just avoid a fight.  We wanted what we had for so long that once we had it we just let it slip through our hands.  We now spend our nights alone, we now crying when we are triggered with a memory, And we stare at photos of how we used to be just to catch a glimpse of what we used to be.  Not a day goes by when we aren't reminded of each other, It's not the big things that make us weak.  It's all the small thing you forgot about when they happened.  A good morning text, a silly face out of the blue, remembering how you like your coffee, and just looking into the others face and knowing what was going on.  Moving on was more than we both anticipated, We clung to each other like a last rays of sun on a winter's night.  We know that it couldn't continue but we didn't want to go it alone.  So many nights spend in an embrace when all we needed was each other to make it through.  And now we don't even have each other to call to  start the next step to continue.  I hope you can still show the smile that made me weak, I hope you can still laugh that made me laugh along with you, and I pray that someday when we meet I'll see that same person I once loved happier than I ever made you.  You deserve the best that life has to offer for how you treated me.  We gave each other our worst and in the end we took out the best for the next person who will take the reigns from where we left off and start the next step in life.  In the end it's not the pain, the memories, the love, and it's not about the time we shared together. It's about remembering how far we went with each other to make sure we will never forget one another in the end I'll always have a piece of you and you'll always have a piece of me to hold onto forever.  And like a fingerprint that is unique and only meant for one person to have, so shall a piece of my heart be, because you made such a mark that to take it down would make me lose a piece of myself that I cherish.  Because all in the end all we have is the memories of the time we spent, the people we loved, the hearts we broke, the scars of our own broken hearts, and the ones who picked up the pieces and put us back together.
Ryan Faubert Mar 2018
I'm tired, I'm beat down, and I'm used up.
Left out to gather dust like an old favorite coffee cup.

I could handle bearing my burdens and carrying your world on my back.
But now it seems I'm left to carry the weight of a world that just let out a thunderous crack.

I'm caught in the middle of holding the bag of you.
And passing it off to the one who is going to be your brand new.

I look you in the eye trying to tell you its going to be ok.
But behind the scenes you want to withdraw from me like a 401k.

I don't want to cause any problems and I want to walk out the door.
Even though I'm leaving it seems I keep on getting called back in for more.

I've stretched myself thin when I didn't have to.
I just wanted you to be happy without me and you said you wanted that too.

Just when I think you are moving on to the next phase.
You hit up my phone in some kind of haze.

Asking me to listen to you when I'm not even supposed to hear you.
I'm not longer the one who is supposed to help get you through.

You say you're sorry but it happens over and over.
There are times I believe you and you say you'll give and answer but that's as rare as a 4 leaf clover.

I don't want to have to shut you out.
I hate having to watch you scream and shout.

Cause I know it has to do with your deepest fear.
That one day I'll just up and disappear.

It may have to come to that if you can't let me go willingly.
But watching you make yourself suffer is also just killing me.

So here is to the hope of getting down to settle the score.
And deal with the issues that lay at the very core.

I'm here ready to negotiate at the table to lay it all out.
I'm desperate to know what this mess it all about.

It's like looking for what I need all around.
But I'm not going to find feelings in a lost and found.

I'm tired, beat down and stretched thin.
I'm asking one more time to just let me in.

Before I finally walk out that door.
And all you're left with is to cry alone on the floor.

— The End —