I have aggression inside me.

Have you ever wanted to watch the world burn?
I mean really burn, not some small cinders, but a real bonfire.

I'm sick of being sick, I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of being so ******* passive.

Six months into 2020 and here are some highlights

Remember when Australia was on fire?
****** hornets?
The Russian Oil Spill in the Arctic
Several cases of police brutality resulting in murders
The Hong Kong protests both volumes
Now ******* squirrels have been found in Colorado with the Bubonic Plague.
Another strain of Swine flu was found in China that was transmutable to humans and contained traces of the former swine flu
covid-19
The covid-19 protests.
Floods in February
Part of the United States is undergoing a record heat wave
Parts of India and Africa had to deal with record swarms of locusts
The second we stopped the lockdown in the states we went right back to mass shooting
Donald Trump
Do I need to go on?

I'm tired of this high road passive nonsense.    

I know violence isn't the answer but do you want makes the lions, tigers, apes, hog and antelope gather together?

Fire.

If the conservatives, liberals, Christians, Muslims, Pagans and Satanists, Vegans and Carnivores, Karens, Kens, If the right and the left can't meet in the middle, **** em.

Let it burn.

Why do you always have to stick your nose in other people's business?

The boys shouldn't be so proud and admit that they're western fascism, ANTIFA need to become organized so they can control their message.

If they can't, **** em.

Let it burn.

I want fires as high as Heaven, I want Roger Stone behind bars and serving his full sentence and I want the names that Epstein and Maxwell have, and she better not commit death by cop.

I want people to wake up and understand we're ******* ourselves up and proving why we're the worst species.

Otherwise, Let it burn.

I'll strike the match, I'll pour the gasoline, I'll start the fire because if that will bring us together, at least we'll be united on something.

Anger is an energy and right now I'm feeling like Chernobyl at 1:22 am.

I want fire, I want ash to rain from the sky and black out the blue, give me constituency or give me the torch, you want an eternal flame? I'll let it burn for the Gods.

I have this anger in my heart, I have to act like this is all ok, because if I don't, if I voice this **** I come off as the crazy one.

Fine by me, if you want me to crazy at least call me an arsonist.

Burn baby burn, Your systems are weak, your tiktoking your life away, you're reading too many faces and it's not even a good book you chose to reread, this is the worst high school reunion disaster movie you can think of.

At this point I'm walking the line of "******* all" and "I want to see you saved"

I'm feeling like G.G. Allin and Jesus Christ had a son.

When this place burns to the ground and you're left walking through the smolders and remains don't come crying to me because I''ve done all my crying and now I just want to watch your punk *** burn.

I want to explode, I want to detonate.

Blow this joint sky high and say "******* that was fun and thanks for the memories"

I'm walking the line of classically happy and cynically depressed.
You people have exhausted me, the anti- vaxers who'd rather listen to their hearts and highschool minds compared to experts in the field, You'd rather listen to "Dave, some 52 year old neighbor" as opposed to the CDC because you don't trust them, yet you have a social media page where you bleed your heart out?

Makes sense right? You're as dense as these flat earth *****, I'd love to see you be tossed on the pile.

Hurting public discourse? Take the guillotine or bonfire, it doesn't matter to me, you're hurting the majority and further hindering the minority, add some fuel to the fire and contribute you oxygen stealing gene pool mistake.

I dream of fire, I dream of smoke, I dream of ash, cinder, smolder and choke.

Let'***** the restart button, hell is freezing over anyway but hey, global warming is a myth right?

Again, I'm not so proud of you boys, let the women make their minds up about their bodies and roles in the work force and home.

Strike a match, sing a song and get low because like 1984 the firemen and we're not just burning Milo books.

So here I end my anger, because I've gassed myself out but I'm sure tomorrow the tank will be full again, after all anger is an energy and thanks to this ******* I have a seemingly unlimited supply.

Looking back at my teenage years and my twenties sitting on the edge of thirty-three today is the first day of the rest of my life.

Standards and seals approved inked in black and signed on dotted lines, banks paid on hold and payment plan approved.

This is what the barrel of a shotgun looks like, pull the trigger and commit life, walking away now isn't an option.

We gotta grow up at sometime, so choose life and dive deep because so far what you think is living is really wasting time on a clock, the clock you've always lived by.

Ticking down as life passes by, making excuses for why you have't left a mark, mocking the would-be-elsers, realizing you may be stuck as a loser, standard approved.

Stamped, sealed, sold, delivered and paid in full.

Do what you need, do what you want, do what you feel but do something because the time spent of inaction is just wasting whatever you have, or have left.

So walking into my thirties I kick open the double wide doors to life and take a seat at the table, choosing life isn't so bad once you have lived in inaction, once you've done your tight five, you've had your fifteen minutes, once you've burned bright, it's time to focus that light and find your spot to shine somewhere.

Stop wasting away.

Ice said it best, before he had freedom of speech had a track that said it all.

Cop Killer, better than you than me.
Cop Killer **** police brutality.
Cop Killer I hear your mama screamin, **** her
Cop Killer cuz tonight we get even...

It carries on from there.

Good.

How many times are we going to have to sit through another racist cop? How many walk away with paid leave or on suspension, when was the last time any of these cops, sorry racists got locked away for 15+ years, 7 years? hell even 1?

No one is a saint, but ya know what it's getting old living in a country where we're supposed to be this mixing ***, this blending of people and races and creeds and ideas and yet still somehow the white nationalists leak their way into our law enforcement and our government.

What's worse is the common average people who support them.

Remember when we had a black guy as president?
Black man in the white house, making it shades of grey?

To this day republicans still hate it, they can't stand it.

So now we have the truly stupid sitting in his chair, fake spray tan, spreading lies, living in a cult of personality with an army of drones hanging onto every tweet.

Currently we have a leadership who deny science, who deny fact, who create their own view of what's "Real" we have a pandemic that people think is fake and some people think it's a bio-weapon, some people think bill gates is creating a vaccine to inject microchips into us, 5-G causes cancer...

we even now have rat swarms forming..

THIS IS THE DARK AGES.

America, we are not a first world country, not at all. We're Disneyland at best, we're the Hollywood Big Titted blonde *****, we're fake, plastic and cheap acting like we're high society.

We need to bring back some science, some rationality, some middle ground conversations, we need to let women choose what do to with their bodies, we need to let people marry or identify how or who they want. (providing it's not breaking any laws)

We need to get some civil discourse, some simple understanding.

Because right now George Floyd was ******* right...I can't breathe.

Dark skies and broken hearts fill my journal pages as I sit down and write a lasting letter to whoever finds it.

I'm tried. I've been fighting for so long now....fighting for food, for sanity, for money, for validation and for love.

Once more into the breach for the love of love. Battle chinked armor, bloodied hands, scared face, full blooded urban soldier.

My piano is this pen, my songbook is the journal with "Kilroy was here"

I bend down and pray to myself which is how I know God watches my back.

This is another battle, another fight, another trudge through the minefield of emotion, of work, of heart, of soul.

I'm tired of being tried, I'm tried of fighting, but we don't retire into the quiet.

Johnny get yer gun, grab the sword, find your marks.

Muscle up soldier, we have one more fight.

One more battle.

I've said before in a poem that I had one last fight in me and one more after that, and several more. As long as I can stand it seems I'm in some form of combat.

I sacrifice my body for this because it's a personal victory, or loss...at this point I can't tell the ups from the downs anymore and it's simply because I don't care to look.

It's nothing I haven't done before, nothing I haven't seen, nothing I haven't done, it's old hat to me but that doesn't make it easier, it doesn't make it something that gets easier to cope with over time.

I grab my bottle, I climb to the top of my ivory tower of self isolation and I take my throne.

It has been said that when one does something right, you won't know they've done anything at all, this is our gift and curse, this is the chain we've wrapped around our necks and hung ourselves by.

So yes, one more battle- and a million more. Alone because no one else can, or will and someone has to hold back the high hell waters.

One must sit at the gate and make sure it operates correctly, one must fight until they die from it. Until they exhaust from it. Until they burn out from it.

From the top of this tower, from the bottom of my heart, I give all I have in every fight because that's whats required, I rebuild myself because I'm just that strong, because someone has to be, because when everyone falls to pieces, some must pick themselves up and dust themselves off, wipe the blood from the mouth, pick the shrapnel out, look in the mirror and do it again.

When you've got nothing to do and you can't do anything, you do what you can because it's what's required of you. Most of the time no one asks, no one steps up because it's not needed but the void must be filled and so we fill it.

a million dead hearts left behind, so we pick up what we can and move onward. Onward into the fight.

I watch her wither away.
I watch her cough blood and wheeze for air.

I am powerless.

She goes to where olive trees grow and die, she rests where the skies are blue and flowers will spring out from her grave.

I am powerless.

I held her hand every step of the way. I made her smile and I hid the tears for when she went to sleep.

They tell me it's ok. They say sorry. They say everything you'd expect and just like you'd expect it doesn't make me miss her any less.

I saw her in the best of times, I saw her in the worst of times, I wasn't ready to say goodbye.

Now I notice the lack of songbirds, I notice the lack of her. I notice my heavy heart and close my eyes wishing she'd come back. Wishing that something would fix this. Wishing I had her, wishing for things that were and can't be anymore.

I live on powerless. Powerless without her, knowing how'd she want me to be. Knowing I'm not the man she loved, too bitter, too cold and ill humored. She made me the man I was because she deserved better. The best. Now without her I want to slip away into the sleep coma and forgot everything.

Some of you survived this.

Some of you made it to the other side.

You saw your friends, your family, your loved ones and total strangers die along the way, you fought over blood, bodies and political ******* to get where we are now...for you this is a huge victory. For you this is a huge defining moment, for me...this is Tuesday.

Look I'm not demeaning or belittling whatever happened here, whatever victory no matter how big or small, you won. The scars that you can't see...those will wake you up at night, could be every night, it could be in fifty years, you'll be asleep and for no reason you'll wake up in a cold dead sweat with your heart pounding out of chest and you'll think back to this moment...that's about as poetic as this gets.

It's hard to think of this as a victory now considering what has happened and for better or worse, what's going to happen, but hey...take the W because it's not everyday you win like this.

As for me...I'm going to light this cigarette, turn up this song, close my eyes for a moment and by the time the song ends and I discard the remains of this trash smoke..I'll move on to some other group, to some other person, to some other town, city or problem...

Now I know what you think...I'm not some avenging angel, I'm not some white knight hero who comes in to save the day. In truth I'm angry, anger is an energy and rather than turn it inwards I turn it into something useful to help other people. I do this because the only other option is self destruction, now you call that unhappy, I call it motivation.

So go celebrate, go make merry because as soon as the sun comes up, the real work starts. The coming dawn brings new laws, it brings new hope, new life, it brings new chances and new freedom.

Enjoy this moment because history has seen a million moments exactly like this. So when you wake up in the pool of sweat and think back to this moment, and you think of me, you can rest easy knowing that you weren't the first and nowhere near the last of people who were willing to stand up to the fascists, it's not easy, it's not pretty and it ***** sometimes, but no one ever said victory was easy.

It's not that hard to stay in place
It's not that hard to be in one in one space.

Find your books, find your movies, find your games, at home work out routines, find your hobby, learn a skill, start to cook, start to learn a second language. find time for yourself now.

We must work to eat and eat to live, and all this is being taken care of by men and women who make a thousand more choices and who have far more pressure on them, than most of us will ever know.

Allow time to take it's time and in time it'll all work out. We live in a third world country posing as first world winners. We won't starve and if we do then it's clear we had problems from the start.

We won't go homeless, and if we do it's clear we had problems from the start.

If you have a fear of losing it all, it means that you didn't care what happens in the rest of the world, if you have a sudden fear about a virus and staying home you've never thought about Africa, You've never seen poverty and true starvation.

If living in America suddenly has you worried it's simply because you've never had faith in what you preach and now you see America isn't that great.

To all the homeless people you've suggested "just get a job" or all the times you've said "being homeless is a choice" for every time you've looked down on someone for being hungry or said that illness wasn't that bad, you now find yourself in panic.

I've no sympathy for you. As you have written off so many for where they live, as you have written off so many for the uncontrollable factors in the masses lives, I hope this virus drives you insane and maybe lessons learned will turn your conservative hate into progressive help.