What do you see when you look in my eyes?
A freak? A nameless being?
Or maybe simply another face in the endless sea of people
What do I see when I look at myself in the mirror?
I see pain, laughter, tears, smiles, fatigue, and endless energy.
What do I do
When the world I live in
Doesn't know I am suffering?
I feel the scars
On my heart
My arms
My wrists
And I think back to a time when I was truly alone
Wondering the streets at night
The sky dark and stormy,
With the cold rain falling down on me
It was like the sky was crying
All the tears I was too afraid to shed myself
That was along time ago,
but still I can feel the sharpness of the blades upon my soul
My skin
My heart
Sometimes at night I sit up
Stare at my window
And cry, for all the pain I still sometimes feel.
I wonder if life is meant to be more then this,
This town
These people
These feelings
I am like a caged animal,
Trapped inside bars
Locked in, with no hope to escape
I scream
Yell
Cry
But no one hears me
I stand alone
On my own little path of life
That I have been on for as long as I can remember
With a broken heart
A broken soul
A broken mind
Still I struggle on
So that I can maybe see beyond this world
Of darkness and despair,
So I can see the world beyond,
Of love and life and happiness
So here I stand,
A smile on my face,
Even though I am being torn apart on the inside.
I will continue to smile,
And feel
And love
And I will survive; survive to tomorrow
So I can learn to trust again
And this sweet agony
That has been with me all my life
Will be dispersed
Become nonexistent
Gone
No more.
And I will finally
Be
Alive.

It is the darkest, deepest place one can travel to alone,
A solo journey filled with struggles and groans.
Every day is a new battle against the same foe,
But the enemy fights back with psychological blows.
It creeps up on you in your most vulnerable state,
Especially when there's no one around who can relate.
Thoughts in your mind begin to swirl and swell.
Which drag you into your own subconscious hell.
Figments and entities from your past
Serve as the pain which you can't outlast.
Finally sleep always comes as a welcomed friend,
But it the morning the ceaseless battle begins yet again.

Days of endless struggle
More hopeful pills today
Trying to appear 'normal'
In some sort of way.

It seems that the struggle
Is always here with me
And I wouldn't be here now
If guilt would leave me be

I know there's been many
Who've had it worse than I
But that doesn't always mean
That I wouldn't say good-bye

People say I have a lot going for me
I'm sorry, but I just can't see
I can't see because my worst enemy
Is not my life, but inside of me.

Always on a roller coaster,
Not much consistency
I'm nothing if I'm not up or down
I'm nothing if just 'me.'

Very little energy
Wanting to stay in bed
Wishing to be enthusiastic
Instead of feeling like I'm made of lead.

Wanting to be excited
Wanting to care for more
But when nothing makes sense
It's hard to focus on the poor.

Cluttered mind, cluttered thinking
It's hard to keep in touch
With what is happening around me
And not to worry too much.

I feel that everybody is better than me
And that I can't do anything right.
This is how I've felt my whole dang life
It didn't just start last night.

No confidence, no self-esteem
Everybody else is right
To speak my mind is to be a fool
So I just try to 'sit tight.'

Any one of these problems
Would be a heavy vice
But when you have them ALL
Living seems like a roll of the dice.

If I turned around and walked away, would you notice I'm gone,
Would you even care?
When you look at me, do you see the smile on my face,
Or do you see the tears I fight to hold inside?
Do you see a strong, willful woman I portray,
Or the scared little girl who never quite goes away?
If I broke down and lost all control,
Would you know how to handle me,
Would you hold me 'til I stop shaking,
Kiss away all of my tears?
Would you know how to lift me up
From a place far below recognition?
You see a ****, loving woman,
But I'm so much more.
I'm sad,
I'm lonely,
I'm unpredictable,
I'm broken,
I'm irrational,
I'm complicated.
You say you want me,
But you don't even know.
You see who I let you see,
Who I've always let you see,
But what about the real me,
The everyday me,
The girl who never seems to get anything right
The one who could break down at any given moment
And have no clue why.
I try so hard to fight away my doubts
For a while they bury themselves away,
So far away that I think they're gone forever,
But I guess nothing lasts forever,
Because the pain and tears always find their way back to me.
Can you handle me,
Can you handle ALL of me?
Am I worth the time,
Do you really love me enough
To stand by me through all my troubles,
Or am I just too broken for you?

Here on my arm lies a mark that I made.
When I was so low, I cut with a blade
To punish my body for being a mess,
Though here is my testament, I must confess...

That seeing these scars left on my arms, legs, and chest
Makes me realize I was in a place of no rest;
I feel guilty inside for leaving this token.
Now I will see and remember that I was so broken.

But seeing these scars helps me see
That I survived so much trauma and now I am free.
So I ask you now to stand with me and fight,
To show all these demons what they're doing is not right.

You won the battle of good versus bad.
You are still alive and are no longer sad.
Here on my arm lies a mark of survival.
I got through my hate and beat my self-rival.

She stood on the bridge
In silence and fear
For the demons of darkness
Had driven her here

They cut her heart
Right out of her chest
Making her believe
That the demons knew best

They were always there
Sometimes just out of sight
Waiting in the background
Till the time was right

These demons were destructive
Knocking down the life she knew
Hating everything about her
She hated herself too

These demons can't be seen
But they're far from fairy tales
They live inside your mind
Their evilness prevails

So on the bridge she stood
About to end the fight
Then she stopped and thought
I'll fight them one more night

In times of trouble and insanity
I carry masks to disguise
the pain I carry
secure behind my eyes

I can never let out again
the misery I hide
to hell with my dignity
to hell with my pride

from this day forward
and for ever more
I will mount this mask
that will be my lore

No reaching out when I am weak
no solace will I seek

when you look for answers
when you say your prayers
all you will see is masks
and no pain that I bare