I promised everyone
I promised myself
I will never **** myself on their birthdays,
On a holiday,
Or on the first day I want to.
The first day, the first night.
I will try things, I will run through my pointless, stupid safety plan
I will call someone
And think about how they will feel
If I die anyway.
I will think about everyone who says they will care.
I will try to believe they will care.
I will try to believe my absence would harm them,
Instead of being for their own good really,
Once they get used to it.
I will not make a plan for tomorrow,
How I will do it,
When and where.
I will hurt but sit still anyway.
I will say to myself, over and over
I promised. I promised. I promised.
I will eat. I will sleep. I will cry.
I will write this poem.

I will do what I can for you.
For one day and one night.

Where I live it is winter
About half the year.
I remember when February was hard
Grey and dreary
The holiday excitement long worn off
And too early to hope for spring.
But at this point it is easy,
Because I am older.
Everything goes so quickly now,
Whipping by like scenery
On a train ride,
There is no time or need to resent anything.
It’s gone in a moment
While I am still counting my undone chores
And missed opportunities.
My tiny children fast-forward into grownups
My house breaks and is fixed
My cars change identities
My parent wither into terrifying fragility
Everything ages
In time-lapse videography.
I barely have time to endure the cold
Before it is over.
Everything is born and dying
Rushing toward the end of my life
And I stand out in the new snow at night,
Watching it glitter,
So cold that breathing hurts,
And only feeling sad
That it’s all but over
Once again.

I am about to rock the boat.
I am about to say things
That you don’t want to hear.
And I’m about to get answers
That might rip me up,
That might take the entire sun
Out of the sky
that is me.
I don’t have a choice about this.
It’s the way I am.
I can’t stay quiet.
I can’t pretend
To be okay.
It is what it is,
And I need to know what it is
As soon as possible,
Or maybe sooner.
I cannot breathe
With a question in my throat.
So I’m about to roll the dice.
I’m about to take a stand.
I’m about to find out
What we are really made of.