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He wasn’t warm to the world,
but he was never cold to me.
In a room full of silence,
his gaze always seemed to land softly,
right where I happened to be.

He spoke to the class in formulas,
but echoed my words like music,
mirroring moments I barely remembered,
like my voice had folded into his.

There was something in the stillness—
a quiet force,
like gravity that pulls without asking.
He’d hold the room with sharp precision,
yet soften when I spoke,
like I’d tilted some balance in him
he wasn’t expecting.

When I laughed,
he’d almost smile.
When I fidgeted,
he’d shift too—
like we were in sync,
measurable in motion,
but unspoken in meaning.

I became the example in class.
He used my name like punctuation,
not too often,
but just enough
to feel like an equation
only we understood.

And maybe that’s enough.
Not everything real has to stay.
Not every mirror has to speak.

Sometimes, being noticed
by someone who never notices
anyone else—
is the kindest kind of ache.
Why do I always get hit
with a massive wave of I miss my ex
after a good day?

I always ask.
And then I wonder:

Do I miss you now
because I finally feel safe enough
to feel everything?

Or is it my subconscious
looking for someone
I once handed this joy to
like a secret?

Maybe it’s because I’m evolving
and some small, stubborn part of me
wishes you were evolving with me.
Wishes I was doing this
with you.

Or maybe it’s just that
our story never ended,
it just stopped.

And that ache I feel now
is the unfinished sentence
I keep trying to finish
without your voice.

But how do I reach you
without shattering what’s left of my pride?

And more than that
how do I stop this wave
from crashing over me
every time life finally feels bright again?

How do I stop missing you
not when I’m broken,
but when I’m whole?

Because it’s then
when I’m laughing,
thriving,
almost healed
that I miss you most.

And I hate that joy
still makes room for your ghost.
Not just someone to hold my hand,
but to walk with me through marbled halls—
past paintings that whisper centuries,
beneath chandeliers humming old opera songs.

To sit beside me in velvet-red seats,
when the curtains rise on tragedy and jazz.
Who claps when the classical music swells to its peak
even if he doesn’t understand the raga,
just because I’m moved.

To take Polaroids of me mid-laugh,
to frame the soft, un-posed pieces
I often forget I have.
To bring me lilies and baby’s breath,
not because it’s Valentine’s,
but because he listened when I said,
“These are my favourites.”

To come to church,
not for the sermon,
but for me.
To sit in the quiet stained-glass stillness,
not believing the same things,
but believing in us.

To be patient when I unspool,
when my feelings tangle like old film reels.
To hike with me, sleep under stars,
smell like firewood and freedom.

To cook, even messily—
pasta overdone, toast a little burnt,
but with a smile made of effort.

To plant something and keep it alive.
To find joy in roots and green things.

To let vinyls fill our evenings,
crackling jazz and soft acoustics,
swaying barefoot in the kitchen.

To read my poems—really read them—
not just skim the metaphors,
but feel the ache beneath each line.
To hum the songs I play on my guitar,
even off-key,
just to harmonise with my heart.

To let me talk about emperors and wars,
ancient cities and revolutions,
and not just nod—
but ask,
“But why did that matter?”
So I can light up with the answer.

This is the kind of love I want.
Not flashy, not loud.
But curious.
Present.
Rooted like a garden,
melodic like jazz,
and sacred like Sunday.
he was like a candle.
not a bonfire,
not something wild and uncontrollable—
just…
this small, steady glow
that made everything feel warmer
for a little while.

he showed up
with a smile that felt like summer
and hands that didn’t know how to stay.
but god, when he was here
he lit me up.

i didn’t even know how dark it was
until he walked in
and made it feel like morning.

He burnt fast.
hot.
quick.
blinding.
and before I could even cup my hands
to protect him from the wind,
He was gone.

no smoke.
no goodbye.
just the cold.

what do you do
with melted wax
and a memory?

i still replay the way he held me
like it was temporary.
like he already knew
He’d have to leave.

and maybe i always knew it too.
maybe some part of me
was already preparing
for the goodbye
the second he said hello.

He was a candle.
and i
i was the room
that stayed warm
long after he was gone.
some days i still miss him.
not even the way he touched me
or the way we laughed
or the way we argued
like we were the only two people
who’d ever been 16 and heartbroken.
but i miss the us that lived between homework and hallway glances,
the version of me who thought love was
"he blocks you but still cares."

he made me feel like a girl worth breaking.
and i kept writing poems
like maybe if i got the words right,
he’d come back.

but now there’s you.
also an N.
also a mystery.
but your silence feels softer.
like a sentence left unfinished
instead of a door slammed shut.

you’re a nerd too.
quiet but not invisible.
your ambition lives in your eyes
and the way you talk about football
like it’s something holy.
i want to sit next to you on the pitch,
ask questions i already know the answers to,
just to hear you explain them.

i don’t know what i feel.
i just know i still think of him
when feathers fall from nowhere.
and i think of you
when i pick up my pen
and start over.
They called me rude,
disrespectful,
bold.
But all I did was hold up
a mirror in a classroom
that only ever showed
the filtered angles
of history.

Yes, I’m the girl
who called Gandhi a ‘pick me’.
Because someone had to say it.

Three satyagrahas,
and only one worked.
Salt was his only seasoning of success.
But he still acted like he invented
morality.

A fast unto death—
how is that not dramatic?
But if I raise my voice in a debate,
I'm the hysterical one?
Please.

You want to talk self-control,
but ignore how he slept beside
young girls
as some twisted, spiritual experiment—
trying to test his strength
or his shame?
That’s not peace.
That’s a power trip
dressed in a dhoti.

And still—
I’m the one scolded
for “slandering”
a figure we never even saw
in full light.
Your history books
hid the shadows.

But me and my friend—
we studied the margins,
read between the lines,
asked why truth is only allowed
in black and white.

So yes.
Write it in the yearbook,
pin it to the wall:
I’m the girl who called Gandhi a pick me.
Not because I hate history—
but because I actually read it.
Uncensored.
Unapologetic.
Unfolded.
Gandhi is always portrayed like a saint in history books, but there’s a side of him that’s rarely talked about. He used to sleep next to young girls, including his teenage niece, to “test” his celibacy, which is honestly disturbing. He also did things like fasting unto death to emotionally pressure people, yet women get called dramatic for way less. So when I called him a “pick me,” it was my way of pointing out those double standards and questioning why certain actions are glorified just because it’s a famous man doing them. It’s not about disrespect—it’s about looking at history critically and not ignoring the uncomfortable parts.
I sat where the sea forgets the shore,
on a borrowed chair with bones to spare.
Time peeled the flesh I wore before—
but I still wait, with salt in the air.

I waited for love to come like rain,
for a voice to break the endless tide.
But silence came dressed up as pain,
and every wave just said: he lied.

Storms passed. Stars changed.
My shadow left before I knew.
The ocean rose, the moon looked strange—
but I stayed, as I always do.

Hope rots slow, like wood and skin.
But bones remember every ache.
The sea forgets, the world moves in,
yet I remain. For memory’s sake.
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