People always talk about finding "the one," the one who completes them and makes them feel like a unified being. I hate to break it to you, babe, but you're not "the one" for me. You're much more than "the one". You're more like the "the seventeen" and maybe even one day you'll be more like "the sixty three". Now you're probably reading this and thinking "what the **** are you even saying?" Which is a valid question because I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time either, but you already knew that. What I mean by this is you're not just one big lump of you. There's so many different you's that's put into one body. There's a you that makes me laugh uncontrollably and a you that makes me want to tear my hair out. There's also a you that knows how to calm me down and a you that protects me when I can't protect myself. There's a you that walks me to my car even when it's just a minute away. One day, there might be a you that argues with me about what color we should paint the walls of our living room and who knows, there might even be a you who loves your kids more than anything, but a you who puts your foot down when you think they're getting out of line. So, no. You aren't "the one." You're the endless amounts of you and I want them all in every possible way.



                                    B.S.

You asked me what my biggest fear is and I'm sure you were expecting something ordinary like heights or snakes or swimming at night which yes, I admit I am afraid of, but that's not my biggest fear. My biggest fear is you realizing how big of a mess I am. I get drunk too much and don't sleep enough. I spend more time running away rather than trying to keep the people I care about more than anything close. I need constant reassurance and I don't know how to make decisions. My biggest fear is that you're going to realize that you didn't really know me at all. You know the little things about me but you've never seen me at 2 am when I'm shaking so hard it hurts and I can't breathe for who knows what reason. My biggest fear is that you're going to watch the stars fade from my eyes and you're not going to see anything left in me.





                                     B.S.

You told me that loving me hurt. It hurt to love me and I never understood why until I tried to love myself. You're right, it did hurt. I understand now that it hurts to love someone that could never love you back the way you love them. It hurts loving someone who loves the duller things in life but also loves every ******* thing this world has to offer and there's no way to keep up with them. It hurts because you don't want to hold them back from what makes them happy. It hurts loving someone who's so distant but also needs to keep you as close as possible and you have no idea how to keep them from slipping away. It hurts loving someone who never knows what they want and can never make a decision so you're constantly frustrated. It hurts loving someone who doesn't trust you or anyone that you're around. They don't trust anyone for that matter. It hurts loving someone that flinches every time you try to touch them and you have no idea why. But you know, love is supposed to hurt sometimes. Love isn't supposed to make you feel like you're constantly walking on clouds. Love makes you feel like you have an anchor chained to your ankle and it's dragging you to the bottom of the ocean. Love makes you feel a heavy weight on your chest sometimes and that's ******* okay. I get it, though. Loving me hurt. But loving me doesn't hurt anymore ever since I stopped loving you. So I guess it wasn't me, it was you. Loving me hurt because of you.




                                        B.S.

I remember when I was a kid I used to go into my parents room and pull off their covers so just the sheet was left. I would lift it up above my head and crawl underneath before it laid itself back down. I remember how comforting the smell of fabric softener was and to see the sun peeking through the white sheet. (Love is comfort, you are comfort) I remember loving everything and everyone without a doubt in my mind that they loved me too. (I loved you, and I know you loved me too; although you had a funny way of showing it) I remember rolling around in the grass and searching for lady bugs so I could hold them for just a second before they flew away. They interested me more than anything and I could stare at them for hours. (You caught my attention, but just like the lady bugs, you left too)  I remember  gathering flowers in a bucket so I could pluck all of the petals off and throw them around the yard so that there could be vibrant colors scattered everywhere. (Kind of reminds me of what you did to my heart) I remember the first time it snowed here I made a snowball and placed it in the freezer in hopes that it would last forever.  My mother got rid of it one day and I didn't even notice. (I tried to keep you forever too, but you slipped away without any warning) I remember finding injured birds and keeping them in a box until they were strong enough to fly away. I always loved keeping baby birds and seeing them fly off for the first time in their entire life. (I helped mend your broken heart and once you felt okay again, you moved on to bigger and better things) I remember getting into fights with my sister and one of us would end up hitting the other out of anger, but we'd be laughing ten minutes later about God knows what, forgetting why we were angry in the first place. (We constantly fought but neither of us could stay mad at the other. Maybe that was our problem.) This is what love is.



                                B.S.

It doesn't hurt. It's more of an emptiness in your chest and you don't remember why it's there. It's easy to forget why you feel like there's a part of you missing because things have slowly been fading away for awhile now.  You just drifted apart for no particular reason. The worst part is remembering how happy you were (SweetPlacidity_)               with them and realizing that things are no longer the same and they're not going to come back. Other times, it's as if they don't exist. It's unnerving how people can be so easily forgotten, how I can be forgotten. But you know,  it was a quiet ending and that's all I could have ever asked for. Thank you for leaving quietly.


                                B.S.

I know that one day I'm going to see you at the grocery store or the movie theater or somewhere out shopping with someone who has taken my place next to you. When I see her, all I'm gonna think is, "that used to be me." I used to hold those hands and kiss that stupid face of yours. I used to be the one who could make you smile just by looking at you.  I don't know where things went wrong, or if they ever really did. Maybe things just stopped. My world just (SweetPlacidity_).   stopped.  I wish it could still be me with you, but there's nothing I can do. I just hope she makes you feel weightless. I hope she makes you feel warm. I hope she makes you smile. I hope she does everything I couldn't. I hope she doesn't make you sad. I hope she holds your hand so tight that nothing can get between you. I hope she kisses you softly. I hope her heart aches when you're not around. I hope her lungs collapse when you leave. I hope her bones shatter when you scream. I hope when you see me, your world stops too.  





                              B.S.

Have I always loved you or was I in love with the idea of being in love with you? Loving you wasn't all that I made it out to be. I imagined loving you would feel like the crash of the waves of the ocean hitting my waist while hearing the laughs of kids who are just meeting the beach for the first time in their lives. I imagine loving you would feel like rainy days in the summer that last for three days straight and make the grass and plants look greener than ever. I imagined loving you would feel like the first warm day of spring after enduring the bitter winter for three months. I imagined loving you would feel like discovering the most beautiful place I  just recently had the privilege of exploring.  But what was loving you really like? Loving you felt like getting the air knocked out of my lungs after falling while ice skating when I was a kid. Loving you felt like my first skinned knee after falling off my bike while learning to ride it without training wheels. Loving you felt like the first time I got too drunk and the room started spinning and nothing could stop it. Loving you wasn't all I made it out to be. Maybe I didn't love you, maybe I did. All I know is, that's not what love is supposed to feel like on my side. Maybe you loved me, maybe you didn't. I know the words you spoke, but I don't know what went through your head. I just hope the next girl who loves you feels something different than what I felt.