I.
You'd imagine me as
jealous of the boy.

II.
But he's too sweet to ever
dislike
for anything.

III.
"I'm here, you know?"
"It's okay if you aren't alright."
"You good?"

IV.
It takes a tenth of the energy
to love someone
that it does
to hate them.

V.
Feels better, too.

I.
To be honest it's
a struggle to make connections sometimes.
People are
far away and
I'm a scared of
hurting.

I.
It's one day into the semester
and they have already
assigned something
I cannot do.

II.
I'm sorry I need clear instructions,
like which format to use.
I'm sorry I need clear directions,
like how many sources are required.
Not "A Fair Amount"

III.
Maybe I'm just too stupid to
be here in school.
Maybe that's it.

I.
You know,
it shouldn't make me cry with joy
simply to see someone
like me
on the television.

I.
Don't listen to sad music
when you already feel like crying.

I.
I began my year
telling people
I was a boy.
It was a good
beginning.

II.
Got so sick
I left school
could barely talk
without panicking
or doubling over
in pain.

III.
Spent so much time
at the hospital -
my mother's been
diagnosed with
cancer.

IV.
He's here now.
I'm happy with him
even if he makes
things harder
on me.

V.
Beginning
another three hundred and some days
with people
I would go into
gunfire for
unasked.

VI.
This year will be better.

VII.
It can't possibly
by worse.

I.
I am a firm believer
in punching humans
who threaten you.

I.
Feeling safe with a person is
something I haven't done in a very long time
maybe not ever.

II.
And suddenly it feels like
everything,
and nothing's ever been better.

I.
He comes home
in just nine days

II.
I'm ridiculously happy.

III.
Missing people
feels like choking
after a few months.

I.
Honestly,
you're the greatest thing
to come into
my life.

II.
It's funny because
she teases me
nearly ever day,
that we ought to be
together.

III.
People can have soulmates
without kissing them.

I.
You can't lie to someone
who loves you
and it's getting harder
to lie.

II.
Maybe people
love me now.

III.
Imagine that -
at least,
I used to have to.

I.
Shut you're
beautiful
grinning mouth.

II.
Stop being so
hilarious
and stop taking such
good care of me.

III.
You're like
the prize
and I'm the
loser.

I.
My story is about a boy
and a girl.

II.
Not what you're thinking,
though.

III.
She was unhappy and now he is confident.

IV.
She is gone
and now he's glad to have the bed to himself.

V.
She is
his former self.

I.
Hush
twelve times
and begin again
my dear.

II.
You are worth
only more
and more.

I.
I dreamed someone
hurt you
and I was too far
to stand in the way
or take the blow instead.

I.
America
the home of the free
and the land of the brave.

II.
That may well be.

III.
But the free
and the brave
are not the same people.

I.
I called her every time the thunder
was too loud to bear
and now
there's no one left
to call.

I.
The dark scared me
so much last night

II.
That I didn't sleep
until I could hear
birds

I.
******* hell,
you can't expect.
You can't expect that.

II.
You can't imagine
that I'm going to
do the things you're asking of me.

I.
We are
built on laughter
how can I
mention
tears

II.
Even knowing
you're terrified
you need a hand
a hug
to hold

III.
I'm terrified
because
we are built on laughter

I.
What a ******* disaster
If only I could scream in this house

II.
I want to cry
and thrash
and I want someone to hold me back
****

III.
I made a mess of your shirt
I'm sorry.
Thank you for the clothing
it makes me easier
in my skin
that is all wrong.

I.
I miss you
but I'm too afraid to
even make a contact point.

II.
Maybe
next weekend
and then
next weekend passes
and I'm still alone.

I.
And it feels like
the world is crashing in
a few pieces at a time.

II.
It gets harder and harder to breathe
when I have no one
to share the air with.

I.
I lost
the painting
in the paint.

II.
All over
my canvas
were supposed to be
splatters that made
a
scene.

III.
Look now what I have.
Neither a scene,
not anything else.

IV.
Merely
a set
of splatters.

I.
You make blood look delicious.

II.
That's wrong,
and I wish I could say it with conviction.

I.
To look at me
you'd think
I was a model.

II.
How many times
has a girl
said "I'm
jealous of your perfect waist
your hips
the way your ribs all show."

III.
Don't be jealous,
be thankful
it's not you.

IV.
I am
beautiful
in the right
that I am sick.

V.
I have no
weight on my bones
because my stomach
cannot make it stick.

VI.
Don't wish you
were like me.
As much as you want my shape
you do not want
my body.

I.
Everyone would like to be
beautiful
now wouldn't they?

II.
Don't get that
word near me.

I.
There has come a point
in which
it is not who I would die for

II.
It is
who I would keep living for.

I.
Speak
a word
of love,
and you fall on
dead ears.

II.
Speak a word of
hate,
and you're written down,
as sin in a walking form.

I.
You know
you go somewhere for inspiration
and all you find is

II.
"Remembrance"
"To those who died"
"Rest in peace"

III.
And the occasional
"I'll stand with you
in this *******
battle"

IV.
I want to poem
that is not about a battle
I want a poem
that says

V.
Good,
you've ******* made it.
Good on you.

I.
And the panic attacks
they're getting worse
spiraling down

II.
It is okay to cry
but crying by myself
is terrifying
and I can't do it

III.
It's like
breaking a plate
when you know you are out of glue

I.
And they told me
"All sin is equal in the eyes of god-
and so, you're loving a woman
is just as bad
as if you'd killed one."

II.
I do not
understand god.

I.
It isn't a long time,
really.
But when it becomes a
distance,
it hurts.

I.
He is
one of my absolute
favorite humans.

II.
He is
so strong and
funny and
wonderful.

III.
He says he wants to
hurt himself
again.

IV.
What can one even argue,
besides
"Don't hurt someone
I love
so much."

I.
Don't ******* cut yourself to bits
they'd be disappointed
and they might laugh.

II.
It's funny how the last reason I can think of
is they might care.

I.
I don't think I
ever
spoke to you
at all.

II.
Gone and
killed yourself at
college.

III.
Funny the first words I'd ever say to you
would be a goodbye
you'd never
hear.

I.
Don't bother pretending
to revel in my company.

II.
I'll love you
anyway.

I.
He turns up the music
and pretends
he can't see himself.

II.
It helps
a bit.

I.
You are as though
the night had seeped into a bag
and someone had sealed it off.

II.
You are a trap -
you are trapped.
Your mother closed up the doors to
opportunity
and shut you down
and you told me
"It was better
when she
drank."

III.
You do not want
to be anything anymore
except for
to be
away from
home.

IV.
Drive them away with a sword
built of words.

V.
If only they listened
you would.

I.
If only
she could love the body she's in
as much as
I do.

I.
I would like to say
one thing I have learned.

II.
Never leave someone else
to water your plants.

III.
They die.

I.
His middle name
shall be his own.

II.
He shall
cast off the legality of
what he was given
on a certificate.

III.
His middle name will be
Confidence.

I.
"Ready soon?"

II.
"Ready now."

III.
"Come on, young lady."

IV.
And it's don't call me that,
and
I'm too afraid to say it
but what a dagger
in my side.

V.
I'm not young lady
anymore,
but I just can't seem to
tell.

I.
The three of them
they were all laughter

II.
There were two
one was me
another was her
and the third
the third was him

III.
As if no one loved her
as if no one was crazy about her
as if no one thought she was beautiful

IV.
As if he wasn't important
as if his life had no meaning
as if his life didn't have any reasoning

V.
As if
as if I'd keep them forever
couldn't have both
didn't seem allowed, did it.