I.
because I've never loved myself but I'm starting to, with you

II.
because I've never known who I really am and I hated that, hated myself,
there was always a pause, always something held back or misspoken, insufficiently explained
because I was never safe and I was never fully understood, and there was always something lost in translation

III.
but I've always hated that person, who hid his stutter, who spoke slowly so as not to let slip mistakes from his words and thoughts, never mention the things he really cares about because then,

IV.
well he would probably talk to fast and he would probably stutter he'd probably speak so fast and with so much excitement that he'd forget to apologize until he'd remembered no one cared, no one wanted to hear, and he'd slow down and regret so much, hate himself so much for bringing this upon himself

V.
except with you,
I talk about everything, and everything I care about,
and I'm not afraid of talking fast,
or tripping over words,
because I know you won't leave me if I fall, because you've done it so many times
because you just laugh and pick me up again and again and hold my hand and
you laugh like its funny
like its not ridiculous
like you can't even imagine wanting me to stop every time I trip
like you just want me to keep going and you'll help and
I love the person I am when I'm holding your hand

I.
like,
a thrill, unfamiliar
like I've wanted and never had, never could bear

II.
as if,
made to fit, surprisingly easy
as if it's what I needed,
and never expected

blue dress- it is soft, it shapes around your chest like it's supposed to be there, and you begin shaking with no end in sight

white feather earrings- your face is softened and you remember you don't want to be soft

blue beaded earrings- they match your dress and your dress makes you want to die

bird earrings- they are small and bright and you curl up on the floor and wonder which parts of you are real

moon and star earrings- they are small and pale and no one but you can ever see

sun earrings- you shiver and don't think anything

blue crystal earrings- they are the strongest form of feminine you have ever had, and you remember buying these from a street vendor, holding them like some strong piece of the world belonged to you

peace symbol earrings- they are small but familiar enough to be recognized and you feel sick in your throat, your face, every part of you that accepted peace is aching, you want to tear it out

blue stones and dangling silver hoops- these make you look like a woman, which is a familiar future you have been told of, and you realize just because you understand it doesn't mean you want it

dangling iridescent gems- these make you look like a girl, she would love them on you, and you decide to give them to her before you remember she's changed, now you don't know what to do with them

warm colored striped dress- it shows all your bones and still makes you look so soft, you are so, so cold

black feather earrings- these feel like how you used to try to be strong femininely, both of those at the same time, and you tore yourself apart for years not understanding why it was so hard, blaming yourself

black beaded earrings- these make you look like femininity comes easily to you, as you wish it didn't, these seem to belong, as you wish they wouldn't, and these are so heavy, just like everything about this, you are still shaking

silver rose studs- these are small, indistinct, you remember being familiar with this small amount of femininity you thought was necessary, and you twitch violently, something itches, you are hunched

black pants, shirt, jacket- you have a body, in the most abstract sense, and now no reasonable person could call it what they wanted

spider stud- it's small, looks metallic, and delicate yet menacing, like you never could be

I.
try on the boy who thinks his name is girl. is sister. is daughter. he thinks his name is the one that means everything he's never been and never wants to be

II.
try on the boy who watches things burn and tells no one his name. because they would take it. because it belongs to him and he needs time to fill himself up with it before he can trust himself to share it without losing it

III.
try on the boy who demands people use his name. because it belongs to him. he demands people recognize it. this boy is not afraid to tell people unapologetically what they will call him.

I.
try on the boy who thinks of his body as a burial ground. who knows it is a minefield. who can feel it becoming a forgotten land, that no one who has loved him has touched. this boy thinks they wouldn't want to.

II.
try on the boy who digs graves in himself. who sets off the mines. who tries to forget the body that's been so hurt by obliterating it. this boy wishes no one would notice the marks he leaves, because they never noticed the marks anyone else left.

III.
try on the boy who feels guilty. because he put more value in what the people who hated him thought of his body than the ones who love him. because he flinched from the ones who loved him even though he wanted their touch, wanted to know if he really was a body and not a wasteland.

I.
try on the boy who writes, in his head, on his wall, on the bathroom counter, on himself, rarely in his books

II.
try on the boy who draws, the things he loves and the things he hates and the things he wishes he still cared about and the things he wishes he could hate

III.
try on the boy who carves, in wooden chairs, in tree flesh, in his own

XXXVI.
because you really don't want to hurt them you just still cant believe that anyone cares enough to be hurt when you hurt yourself

XXXVII.
because every new year you say you'll get better and you don't you still don't know if you should be independent of arbitrary dates that you trust so much even if they've never helped you

XXXIII.
because it hurts so much either way

XXXIV.
you'll just have to decide which you prefer

XXXV.
because you really gotta put more faith in rough drafts

XXXVI.
because you always want everything to be perfect but you know by now it won't be

XXXVII.
because these thoughts don't even really scare you anymore or maybe you're used to being afraid, but you know you'll stay, even if this place is unchanging

XXXVIII.
because that's only half the battle sometimes,
this times its not even that

XXXIX.
because you've never been this close to both life and death at the same time

XL.
because you're not afraid anymore to make rash decision you think you should fear what might happen because of that

XLI.
because, for now, the solution- the next step, is changing everything

XLII.
because until now changing has only meant covering up better

XLIII.
because maybe you can get better on your own, and maybe you can't

XLIV.
but the point is if you reach out you will never know if you could have done this independently, but if you cant do it on your own and you still try,

XLV.
because I know,
it's okay to reach out for help but,
is it okay to hold on?

I.
try on the boy who hated his body. he feels comforted rather than uncomfortable when the people who love him say he doesn't have to. that it isn't the wrong body, or one beyond repair. that it simply is. this boy is okay.

II.
try on the boy who hated his lips. he feels safe rather than threatened when the boy he trusts says he wants to kiss him. he has trouble believing it but gets closer everyday. this boy is okay.

III.
try on the boy who hated his name. he has people who know him, and love him, and take the name he's made for himself and love it.  he melts when these people attach his name to him, and to affection, and to recognition, and to appreciated. this boy is okay.