When you said you wanted to face your fears
I felt empathy and support for you
and a tinge of agony
because I knew of your fears all too well
and you told me your biggest fear
was losing me
and you faced your fears
and left

I couldn't cry
when I saw you
next to her
although she was also long gone
just as I was
I felt the bitterness
as if I were still with you
but I also felt
the sweet longing
and hope
that maybe you still thought of me
that maybe you remembered that I was the only one
in love with you
that maybe
you felt the soft twinge
when my named passed your ears
or touched your lips
that just maybe
you even remembered
who I was

I keep wondering
pondering
assuming
why I only feel
bittersweet when I hear of you
did I not love you enough
to feel a pang in my heart
or was it that you were
too immersed in your own world
and I some how knew
your heart wouldn't stop
skip a beat
throb
when you heard of me
or saw my name
with each drawn out letter
sound

your heart
never truly learned my name

I was looking at your name on my screen
I've seen it a million times
for some reason I was nervous to click [message]
scared of the perpetual feeling
that our friendship was over
when we ended talking
when we didn't give reason to our being
and why we stayed quiet but still knew
we shared the same longing emotion
and fear
to talk again
because things would be different
less comfortable
more lost
when we had laughed like young children
just months before....
And I found my answer
when you didn't respond to my message
and I didn't respond to yours

A bird in an iron, unlatched cage can rattle around
flying to each corner, nook, and cranny and fall to the platform.
It lacks the ability to understand, that the door can be opened
and that there is indeed a life outwards that it has yet to know
It is taunted relentlessly until it has used up every pent of energy it ever knew it had because ****, it gave up after so many attempts to diverge those iron bars that were just too small for its own good like tectonic plates that had yet to move..
It only knew of what it was told and what it was taught and that the way it is living is the normal way
...But it isn't...
Because what does a helpless bird know
when it does not even know life outside the iron cage,
with an unlatched door...

I knew I dreamt for him
woke for him
lived for him
because for once
when he was by my side
all my ticks stopped
my mind went quiet
and for a fleeting moment
I was at peace
serenity
I was loved.

OCD And I
We go to couples counseling every week
you know, the usual "Has there been any progress?"
You see, OCD ... he is a bit obsessive.. and doesn't understand why we need counseling
His nails grind into the office chair and slams the door on the way out
He loves and cradles me with commands like flowers that bouquet against my mind
And the next morning as if the bouquets were to fall over from their steady placed vase, he apologizes.
There are mornings where I cannot leave the sheets because his arms are wrapped around my waist and do not want to let go because if he did I might as well be **** independent
If he loves me so much, why is it that I must wash my hands after tracing over everything he has touched.
OCD says he wants to protect me from all the dangers of the world...
and he reminds me by constantly ticking in my head
asking me if I locked the door...Yes
did I turn off the lights... Yes
did you turn off the stove...Yes
We went to counseling again this week
She says I'm closer to being independent
That little by little
I will be able to strive without OCD
by my side
There are mornings now
where I can leave the bed without his arms
sinking into my waist
and his demanding words
whispering in my ear constantly
"Just stay a little longer... The world is dangerous"
Now... when OCD leaves...
I tell him to make sure he closes the door on the way out.