The sharp ***** of a needle
draws my attention
but lets go fast

I welcome you
you're hardly even a memory of pain
just a blessed achievement of your absence

other pain is not so easily muffled
by the post of my my head
on a soft pillow

the dull ache that grows deep inside my flesh
deep inside my muscle, my cartilage and bone
when I do little or nothing to stop the suffering

I am thankful for every pup
that crossed the threshold of this door
and into my heart

I am thankful
for the trust
that allowed me into theirs

I am thankful
their capable teaching
has taught me to trust

I am thankful
that not one cowers, paces, barks or cries
as some did that first day

I am thankful
for foster parents
ready to share this adventure worth daring

I am thankful
though some days we may feel weary
there is no quit in us

I am thankful
for adoptive families
that take humble beginnings and forge unbreakable bonds

I am thankful
when pups bury their heads deep in caring arms
it is  borne of love and not fear

every foster parent asks themselves
"the question"

how will I  let go, how will  I sleep?
knowing what I am about to ask of myself

I understand, I really do
I wondered the same thing

no longer am I surprised
when sleep comes

sometimes I wonder
whether I really knew a good night's sleep before

the question that has pulled me in different directions
has but one conclusion

love them with every ounce of your being
every moment of every day

when the time comes to let them go
know that not a drop was wasted

trusting another with your “baby"
is a leap of faith

a life affirming  leap of faith
affording them the opportunity

for a lifetime of love
and an unbreakable bond

an opportunity they never had
until you called them yours

one, two, buckle my shoe
three, four, there's a knock at the door
five, six, pick up sticks
seven, eight, lay them straight
nine, ten, start over again

existing as furniture
is a strange experience

I recall the smell of her hair,
the intense joy, struggle, and triumph

once smitten by the beauty of promise
the promise of beauty never strayed

perhaps if I had been more awful
we would have parted

perhaps if she had been more awful
we would have parted

maybe we both
could be a little better

the waitress brushes by a little too close
I think she uses the same shampoo...

take my hand
and walk with me

through vanity jackpot beauties
through thorns

hold small, hold tight
be gleeful, be grateful, be hateful  

embolden, nourish, disappear
be blind, be forsaken

dont' worry we're almost home
I'll get you almost home

I never raise a hand against you
yet you  cower

each day I reach out with love and affection
yet you cower

each day, one day closer
to your birthday

not the day you were brought into this world
the day you no longer see it as a threat

the deepest scars
borne of trauma and neglect lie deeper still

burdens buried deep in your heart
and in your mind

deeper still there is beauty
waiting to be discovered  

I wish I could make you forget
some hands are not to be trusted

I'd like to take a moment
to thank you please
I'd like to thank you please

for all that you've done
making me the one
the chosen one

I'd like to thank you please

for making me the object
of torment you can't keep inside
your most insidious lies, resentment and disdain

I'd like to thank you please

for the all the different ways
the sneaky different ways
it all came out sideways

I'd like to thank you please

for teaching me my pain
my blessed, pious pain
helping me understand it's my fault

for showing me
how to mend my ways
and all your praise

I'd like to thank you please

for stirring it in my kool-aid
that made it go down easy
I'd like to thank you please

thank you, please
thank you, please
thank you, please

in the quiet and in the dark
everything is amplified

everything amplified
is amplified again

the depth of a breath
the beat of a heart

the shoosh-shoosh blood
rushing through veins in fits and starts

electrical pulses race back and forth
synapses fire at the slightest provocation

hurry up, wait
hurry up, wait

the endless bustle of an internal subway
delivering weary passengers to every destination

alone, in the dark
I hear their whispers

whispers drowned out
with white noise by day

slipping through the tiniest of cracks
running circles in my mind

tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc

the clock above the mantel
recites this steady prose

this house stands empty
outside its walls

the wailing wind
echoes through its halls

the crows, ravens, vultures
invited they all came

to pick and divide
the mosaic of this life

the walls stripped bare
the carpets rolled up

only the creaking floor  
protests this naked home

above the mantel the crier remains
reciting this steady prose

tic-toc
tic-toc
tic-toc